Surprisingly Penetrable

174. I Can’t Believe it! The Celebrity Ninja Way: Kinton no Jutsu

2010-12-19T19:38:00.000Z

Worth watching as a manga-standard episode? Ha. Ha ha. Ha ha ha ha.
Worth watching for the lulz? Kishimoto himself has nightmares about this ep.

Filler writer 2: Number 3? Number 3, where are you?

[Number 3 is in his room, which is also a cave, reading. He covers an ear with a free hand. Number 2 bursts in.]

Filler writer 3: How many times do I have to remind you that if you shout, it echoes for like half an hour. What do you want?

Filler writer 2: Something's wrong with Dave.

Filler writer 3: Is he trying to write an episode where Lee is a time-travelling trapeze artist? I'd say that was pretty normal.

Filler writer 2: I'm serious! I'm really worried about him!

Filler writer 3: What's he done now?

Filler writer 2: It's like Anko's backstory was too brilliant-

Filler writer 3: We had a blob that was the king of the sea or something – let's not go overboard here.

Filler writer 2: I think he's had some kind of breakdown. He keeps muttering to himself about his latest creation, he won't let any of us work on the next episode, saying it's... it's...

Filler writer 3: Are you going to spit it out or can I go back to my book?

Filler writer 2: ...evil.

Filler writer 3: And? We're filler writers, everything we write is evil.

Filler writer 2: This time I think he's gone too far.

Filler writer 3: It can't be that bad.

Filler writer 2: Kane. Bunshin. No jutsu.

Filler writer 3: [The book falls out of his hand, forgotten. The horror sinks in and grips his heart in its icy grasp] ...my god.

This episode is so awful even Naruto can't believe it. I'm not just cashing in on a bad joke either – it's in the title. Any of the following would have been less annoying instead of the brat:

I hate this kid. I hate him with every fibre of my being. His seiyuu is a retarded woman who wandered into the studio seconds before shooting and was given the job because she threatened to keep talking if they didn’t let her 'have a go' at voice acting. Basically, this episode is what would happen if the animators let the show's stupidest, most irritating fanbrat have a cameo.

Kill it with fire.

Little Fucker walks into Konoha – IZUMO AND KOTETSU FAILURE AT PROTECTING THE VILLAGE ALERT, this is their biggest crime of the fillers – and points at every bloody thing, asking if it is real. What the hell? Then he shouts "Ninja!!!" ten times in thirty seconds and already I want to die. Naruto's 'mission' is to babysit for the day and show him the life of a ninja. If he was really going to do that, he'd let him get assassinated by enemy nin or suffer some painful injury during training. That is an episode I would watch.

Little Fucker is flanked by the Blues Brothers because the family is wealthy and his father is happily paying people to keep his son away from him. Naruto goes to clean a swamp as part of his daily duties as a ninja and there's a beautiful moment where it seems as if Little Fucker might drown. But then he snots all over my dreams by using the titular 'kinton no jutsu', where he throws money in the air and a swarm of bodyguards descend to help him. Some other things happen but I was too distracted chewing on shards of glass, which was preferable to watching this episode.

Who can blame them for gouging out their eyes?

Some butt-ugly baddies decide to rob the rick kid. At this point, I would pay them more than LF ever could to stab him in the head and end this episode right now. We get the joyous pun of 'kane bunshin no jutsu' (money clones) which creates this monstrosity:

Gawd, there's a moral and it's painful. Naruto thinks LF doesn't have friends because he thinks money can be used for everything. Wrong! He doesn't have friends because no one can stand more than five minutes in his company without spontaneously combusting in despair. LF runs off but unfortunately the camera follows him and we see him get caught by the old 'fish on a stick' trap. Naruto stops bad things from happening and there is a 'heart-warming' moment where LF finds it is more fun to try and jab innocent fish through the heart with a kunai than it is to go to a shop and buy one. LF runs out of money and the Blues Brothers turn against him as the baddies can pay them. Naruto says he can’t be bought, but if he makes the minimal jump to money = ramen, this kid is screwed.

As the Neanderthal Baddies make chase to capture him for ransom, Naruto ties a rope round LF's middle and makes him swing across a ravine to escape. Snot flies everywhere like the disgusting little freak he is, and he slams into the cliff face. No one can tell if permanent brain damage has been caused because he acts as if he's been slammed into a few cliffs already, if you catch my drift. Back on the other side, the edge where Naruto and the Blues Brothers were fighting breaks up and down they go. LF has some flashbacks within the same episode to drill the moral into us some more and bungee jumps down to save our orange protagonist. LF's irritation defies the laws of physics as he falls faster than Naruto to save him.

WHY IS THERE SO MUCH GODDAMN SNOT?!

Back at his home, in the front garden there is what looks suspiciously like a gravestone. That's his mother after realising she gave birth to that. We end with "If it's pretty, it doesn't really matter whether it has a value or not." I'm not quite sure if this lesson works out. What if Little Fucker grows up and applies this to women? Should the show ever skip ten years ahead, you can bet it will come back to him, with his three dead wives in the basement, on the hunt for more to add to his collection. And now we can rejoice, because the horror has ended.

Team members: Naruto
Number of kage bunshin no jutsus: 2
Number of rasengans: 0!
Next week: Wow, a mission with Naruto, Kiba and Hinata as the team. Haven't had one of those before.

173. Sea Battle! A Power that’s Released over Time

2010-12-10T17:05:00.000Z

Worth watching as a manga-standard episode? Skip the tear-inducing battle scenes and finish off Anko's shards of memories in her tissue of brain.
Worth watching for the lulz? We'll make our own gonging lulz.

It's battle of the furries as Kabuto-Wannabe has dragged himself up from the Black Lagoon and Naruto's getting in touch with his invisible feline friend:

He slaps the baddie about a bit, de-Kyuubis and sinks due to exhaustion. Bandages goes to save him because it has been one whole minute and no one has saved anyone from anything yet. Just what kind of shonen anime is this?! Past Ninja Dude runs at Ino, her and Shino's prior struggles not being important enough to be shown or explained, and she cowers and asks him not to come near her. If Ino does anything awesome ever, it will always be tainted by this. Shino's swarm defeats Past Ninja Dude and tells him he forgot the most important rule of combat, but we know he's giving Ino a sidelong glance and being grateful that while Hinata may be useless... actually I forgot where I was going with that.

And that's it. Anko ties up Kabuto-Wannabe and everyone goes home. Except not. I didn't mention last time in my rage against the fillers that there was a sea boss, but there was a sea boss (summoned by the leader) and he'd presumably been beaten last time, except he rises out of the sea back for more. I cannot give you more description than a translucent blob, which isn't worth describing, but I wouldn't want you confusing it with something interesting.

Naruto summons Gamabunta, the biggest toad on the block, to do his dirty work, except frogs do not like salt-water as we learned in a previous ep I cannot be bothered looking up. A genuinely weird battle ensues between a giant toad and a giant blob. Surely Kishimoto was not working towards this for his grand finale. I don't know about you, but I get my knowledge from vampiric teen dramas like Angel, which taught me that if a water-based enemy is giving you trouble, go for the vodka and not just to drown your sorrows: it's dehydrating don't you know. Instead, Naruto and Gamabunta go for making it feel hot, hot, hot and that works too I guess. With everyone actually defeated this time, Kabuto-Wannabe admits he doesn't know a way to turn Bandages back to human and Naruto goes to smack him one, only to be stopped by Anko. Thankfully, she redeems herself a minute later when she punches him herself.

Before they leave, Anko remembers this is supposed to be her backstory plot and for the last ep or so it's been ridiculous punch-em-ups. She goes to find some answers and gets poetic en route:

And will they cut through the skull of my head to slice open the base of the boat, letting in a geyser of the ocean to the safety of my being?

The hut where she was given the curse seal and writhed about in is still a hut, so she gets closure. In a shard of memory, Kabuto-Wannabe comes in and is somehow the same age, despite Oro and Anko looking younger.

Out of ten given the curse seal, Anko was the only one to survive. Oro gets bored and wants to go get a milkshake, but Anko clings to his bony ankle and asks why he's abandoning her. He replies thusly: "You lack hatred." Yes, he actually says this. Hatred and 'everything else' in fact, so Anko should be more emo than Sasuke – fact. Instead she channels this into a disturbingly high love of fishnets and gets on with her life. And that's the backstory of Anko.

But don't think that's the end. We then get a glimpse of the best character in the arc – I put it to you that this guy is good enough to challenge The Rower! It is my pleasure to present The Gonger:

Shino: Sensei, I appreciate Konoha is in an economic crisis with an obsessive-compulsive gambler for a Hokage, but why have we boarded a ship where the sole member of the crew exists only to bang a gong to tell people when the ship is about to leave the port? Due to the fact he has stayed still for the last sixteen minutes and the ship is veering into a large group of jagged rocks ahead, I have surmised that banging a gong is his one skill and function.

The Gonger: You are correct, boy with coat.

Naruto: Eh, no one's driving the boat? Ino! Quick, go- oh wait you're a girl, I mean, I'll save us!

Ino: Why, you!

[Ino does nothing. Naruto's point is proved.]

Ino: Your head bow is pretty.

The Gonger: You are correct, girl with purple.

Anko: Do you work only on this boat? Or do you work several boats or something?

The Gonger: You are correct, woman with nakedness.

Anko: But I asked-

Bandages: Oh it's so exciting riding along with the real characters! I can't believe I got to come with you, instead of being left on a rock somewhere.

Naruto: Don't worry, Bandages, you'll have a great time in Konoha with us.

Evil Kakashi: Not so fast!

[The ninjas go into defence poses as the realise an enemy has infiltrated their ship.]

Naruto: Sensei?!

Evil Kakashi: Wrong. I'm here for the final stage of my evil plan!

Ino: Wasn't Sasuke with you in the previous script?

Evil Kakashi: Sasuke has been captured by fangirls who are forcing him to have sex with a clone of himself. I lent them the camera to record it, hilarious, anyway all of you shall cower before me!

Ino: And wasn't your evil plan to commit internet terrorism? What does that have to do with a boat?

Evil Kakashi: [Falters and kicks the side] Damnit, Sasuke's the one who does my bidding, I'm the ideas man! I should have kept him around, not handed him over to horny adolescents!

[At that moment, several Konoha jounin appear for no reason, including Kakashi and Tonbo.]

Kakashi: [On seeing his evil self] Huh. [To everyone else] Tonbo has a random confession.

[Tonbo, in his slightly misguided passion, stabs a finger out at a potted plant behind Bandages' head. (Yes there's a potted plant on this ship. It has The Gonger, why would a potted plant cause any surprise whatsoever.)]

Tonbo: I. Am. Your. FATHER!

Everyone: Gasp!

[Tonbo runs to the plant to hug the child he hasn't seen since all those years ago and Bandages watches in confusion.]

Tonbo: Now for us to go sit on a rock!

Bandages: No, but- wait!

[Tonbo walks overboard, knocking Bandages with him, and she climbs up onto a rock, watching the ship sail away in despair. Everyone cheers and walks away.]

Evil Kakashi: Nothing surprises me about this village anymore.

Kakashi: If anyone was going to be the father of a potted plan, I would have put money on Tenzou.

Evil Kakashi: Like that guy's ever been near bush. Hahaha!

Kakashi: Hahaha!

Evil Kakashi: Have you got a light?

Kakashi: No, but I do have some porn.

Evil Kakashi: That'll do!

[And so all order was restored in Konoha because Evil Kakashi was distracted by porn and no one really cared what happened to Bandages. After Tonbo's exciting announcement, he managed to flounder about in the water unable to find his precious rock and potted daughter, and was nearly eaten by a distant cousin of Kisame, sustaining severe injuries. Wrapped in bandages from head to toe, his comrades lost him for several months, but he made a good wage working in a small scale training-video series, entitled Don't Be the Office Idiot! and Don't Be the Office Idiot 2! showcasing the dangers of trying to staple your hand to a desk or telling people you run a beet farm.]

Team members: Naruto, Shino, Ino and Anko
Number of kage bunshin no jutsus: 0!
Number of rasengans: 0!
Next week: Next week does not lack hatred. Opinions on the new blog design?

172. Despair! The Broken Heart

2010-12-05T17:33:00.001Z

Worth watching as a manga-standard episode? No.
Worth watching for the lulz? See below.

Despair! This arc is has left me in despair!

I don't know what schedule the subbers were originally looking at, but unless they were planning to fit 48 episodes into 7 weeks, I can't see this one happening. Everyone must have had a lovely shock when they found out how many were left. (I haven't been into Naruto long enough to have watched the eps when they originally aired. I know, I'm a poser.)

The gang are trapped in a cave that's collapsing. Maybe if I updated more often, I wouldn't have to remind you of that. Ino uses the skills she didn't learn at the Academy:

and Anko summons a big-ass snake for them to ride out in, unharmed. A convenient boat allows them to hurry after the convoy they've been hired to protect. Despite, to my knowledge, Konoha being nowhere near the sea, Shino proves his hidden depths are indeed deep but not hidden today with his expert sailing skills. Elsewhere, the convoy gets a message that the kaima has been defeated and so they set off with their non-descript bounty. Bandages attacks the ships, breaking the rudders so they hit each other. One of the guards onboard reveals he is really the...leader guy...of the bad guys in this arc. Gah, what have I been calling him, you know, the guy with the grey hair... Kabuto-Wannabe, that's the one! Bandages flops onto the desk to make some scary faces:

Oh the pain! The pain of it all!
and they fear death is approaching:

Past Ninja Dude summons an illusionary fireball from the sky, which is pretty damn badass, making the crew jump into the sea, where he then creates a whirlpool to drown them. Points for effort, none of that sneaking up on people and stabbing them in the throat malarkey. But then the good guys turn up, Shino facing off with Past Ninja Dude and Ino staying in the boat like a good little kunoichi, trying to scoop up the half-drowned convoy crew. Anko appears on deck and gets in a zinger:

Naruto's not far behind, spouting about if you act like a monster that's what really makes you a monster etc and so Bandages does us all a favour and shoves them both into the sea.

I'm gonna go with pupils.
As Naruto and Bandages battle it out underwater, Naruto sends in the clones but after she punches a few of them and hits the real one, he takes it pretty hard and has to lie down on a rock for a while. I mean, this one punch, from a girl, albeit a fish monster, but. You know. It didn't even look that hard. He's had a giant shuriken in his back, nearly tearing him in two. And he shrugged that one off. But this punch. Reeeeeally takes it out of him. He still gabs while he's working that one off and Bandages says she doesn't care who gets hurt so long as she returns to human. Naruto then bitch-slaps her.

*Awesome alert*

Incidentally a Google for 'awesome alert' brings us this:

So let us not disagree that the occasion has been properly recognised.

Naruto bitch-slapped her so hard he has scales embedded in his hand. There are no words. He thinks back on how she saved him, so she can't be bad deep down. Maybe she got so fed up being a fish person she was taking whatever entertainment was going. "Hmm, I could sit around feeling depressed and moist. Or I could save that orange ninja over there."

Kabuto-Wannabe defeats Anko and asks why Bandages hasn't sorted Naruto. Then

Well, why the fuck not.

That's the climax of the ep, folks, and it happens in the middle. Nothing worth noting happens after this point. Not even going to try.

Right, finale next week and then onto something different, thank Jebus.

Team members: Naruto, Shino, Ino and Anko
Number of kage bunshin no jutsus: 2
Number of rasengans: 0!
Next week: BETTER WORDS THAN THIS WEEK. Oh no wait that'll be the week after won't it. NEVER MIND THEN.

November = not a good month for blogs

2010-10-29T17:36:00.002+01:00

This is one of those pathetic posts. Haven't updated for a good while (this arc is eye-scratchingly non-hilarious) and I know I won't be posting for November because I shall be NaNoing on something I've been plotting away at for months.

Thanks for checking back guys, and maybe there will be a Halloween update for Christmas Blink-182 stylee.

171. Intrusion! The Prepared Trap

2010-09-26T11:46:00.005+01:00

Worth watching as a manga-standard episode? How do you fill 23 minutes with nothing? Let's find out!
Worth watching for the lulz? So, say I put my brain in a robot body and there's a war. Robots versus humans. What side am I on?

If you're looking for me

you better check under the sea

cos that is where you'll find me, underneath the SEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAALAAAAAAAAAAABBBBB

underneath the water

seeeeeeaaaaalaaaaaab oh god is this arc still going. I mean. Oh hey yeah woooooot! I sure hope everyone is as fired up as I am to find out what's going on with this Kaima! Cos not only do we have this mega-cool, crazy plot, but we're in the MIDDLE of it and everyone knows the middle episodes are the bestest! Wooo! Now if you'll excuse me, I'll be vomiting in this corner.

So what's going on in this exciting ninja show about ninjas? They're sitting. NINJA STYLE. Which is the same way as everyone else does. No, wait, Anko is lying down. Well then. During Anko's one horizontal shuffle Naruto can air at this time of day, we travel back in time:

Iruka and Anko's love child: born scarred and fishnetted, what future awaits this young dolphinette?

Teen!Anko explains it all as she flashes back to drop a pestle. Or a mortar. Hang on a cotton picking minute, isn't it physically impossible for shinobi to drop something? Oh Teen!Anko, getting lost in daydreams about horrific human experiments and growing up to become a witch with two crazy aunts, and dropping pestles! Or mortars.

Bandages changes back to human-mode in a quite frankly disgusting transformation and seems to be suffering from a very mild scratch. Anko tells the team Orochimaru is responsible for the villagers disappearing, as he was nicking people for experiments. How did she 'work it out'? Because he was the jounin she trained under. Awwkwwaaarrrd. Anko ruins the ambience for the rest of the boat ride to the island and, once there, they sneak into the seeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaalaaaaaaaaab. Bandages is sent to stop them, with the promise that she'll be turned back to normal if she does as the researcher guy says. "I'll keep the promise. As long as I don't change my mind" is his exact wording, which isn't really a promise is it. Bandages is one step ahead of them and the genin fall through a conveniently placed trapdoor, while Anko has to face some genetically modified tigers.

Argh no, the memories!

They fall down, but they get up again, you're never going to keep them down and as they're dusting themselves off, one of the bad guys appears. Now, here's where things get interesting (no really, I'm not being sarcastic!) as it's only that dude from that time!

No, I don't remember him either, but the screenshot can't lie. As you've probably gathered, I love stuff like this in the fillers. There's so much to go on already, so rather than creating cardboard cut-out baddies, let's see what happened to some of the ones defeated earlier in the series. They remember he was one of Kabuto's cronies and that he fights by sucking chakra. Shino decides he'll fight him while the others go on, purely because he's encroaching on his thang, despite John Lennon having them both beat:

Anko had no problem with the cats, but her curse seal is giving her grief. That's how it is with tattoos you got in your teens: tribal is so 90s now. She comes across the researcher and Bandages, who are chilling on Oro's throne, but for the later skit, let's pretend they're not because I want to end this entry with some amdram. I like the display that Orochimaru is so powerful, even his lingering presence is enough to set off Anko's curse seal. He's long gone of course and Naruto and Ino catch up. Kabuto-Wannabe explains he's trying to build an underwater ninja army. Because that's where all the major battles take place: underwater. Naruto goes to punch him in the face, but Bandages blocks the way, knowing his one weakness is vagina. She laments that no one comes near her because of her bandages, but if she'd only move to Konoha, she'd be, like, queen of the cheerleaders or something, since bandages = cred. The other lackey blows up a wall and Kabuto-Wannabe and Bandages make their getaway. What's this new player's ninja technique?

Come on now, that's not even trying. Ino does her thing and Mr. Fantastic's body is hers. The wall he knocked down turns out to be the supporting wall for the entire secret hideout and it starts to collapse. What could have been an exciting battle with the hired muscle is over without even a resolution on Shino's part. Kabuto-Wannabe and Bandages are on a boat motherfucker on a motherfucking boat, and are joined by ...Past Ninja Dude, I don't know, coming up with nicknames for filler characters is tough ok, and as the lab caves in, the Konoha Krew make their escape.

By the way, this ending seems to have taken a 40 Days and 40 Nights turn:

[Orochimaru has a secret.]

Orochimaru: Sasuke, has my bidding been done?

Sasuke: Yes.

Orochimaru: Then send for more of my bidding to also be done.

Sasuke: I can't. We both are rooted to the spot for some reason, since whenever we get a scene you are always sat in that throne and I'm stood here.

Orochimaru: Then never mind.

[Silence.]

Sasuke: ...you're acting differently.

Orochimaru: Hmmm?

Sasuke: You're not as camp as a row of tents for one thing. And you haven't sent your snakes on another 'magical journey' that ended up with me taking you to court.

Orochimaru: There are more important things to focus on.

Sasuke: ...you're Evil Kakashi aren't you.

Evil Kakashi: Mwahahaha! Sasuke, you are perceptive. What gave me away? Was it my deliciously evil throne-sitting?

Sasuke: Pretty much that you look like Kakashi except evil. And the fact you asked for a throne made of wood and not the hands of little boys.

Evil Kakashi: You're hitting the paedophilia jokes hard there.

Sasuke: I can change to the Michael Jackson ones if you prefer?

Evil Kakashi: [Thinks] No. Continue.

Sasuke: So how do your evil plans differ from Orochimaru's?

Evil Kakashi: It's quite simple. I've created a program that reads the script of fanfiction.net and detects any unsuitable content. It's very clever; it can read context. It's barely as quick as a hyperactive Chinese boy-

Sasuke: Sorry, wait, a what?

Evil Kakashi: If your story is breaking the terms of service, it is automatically reported and your story will be deleted before the day is through. It has passed testing and will be released shortly. There is nowhere to hide and nothing can be done to stop it – unless you edit out all those sex scenes and swear words and incorrectly rated fics and those godawful lines where tHeY aRe TyPeD lIkE tHiS argh it just makes me so angry! But that's all about to change! Mwahahahahaha!

Sasuke: :O

Team members: Naruto, Shino, Ino and Anko
Number of kage bunshin no jutsus: 0!
Number of rasengans: 0!
Next week: I love how my comments are steadily dissolving into madness. Keep it up guys :D Actually, has anyone seen Jerome?

170. Crash! The Closed Door

2010-09-19T18:06:00.004+01:00

Worth watching as a manga-standard episode? Meh, it's probably better to fast-forward to the Anko flashbacks.
Worth watching for the lulz? There are no lulz to be had. Gonna level with you – this review is tiny short because...I didn't have much to say. But quantity over quality always! (That's how that goes, right?)

Anko gives up on looking for Naruto, because her net stocking is disintegrating in the salt water and if she left it any longer, 4Kids would have to cut her out of her own backstory plot. In the bat cave, Oro meets with a guy he left in charge of research before he went a-hunting for some juicy necks to nibble and found an Uchiha. That's dedication right there, I mean that was seasons ago – a promotion for you, good evil villain sir! All the young children to cut into and stitch on gills and horns and whatnot that you could possibly dream of! And a Christmas goose, but of course! We get a glimpse of Sasuke to fool people into keeping watching. He's already wearing the Pedo Shirt and what appears to be some kind of man-skirt that matches Oro's. Oh Saucegay, how the mighty have fallen.

In a hurry to molest? Try Pedo Shirt – instant accessibility for today's pedo on the go!

Despite sending out the bug brigade and Ino emoing (imoing?) it up in a boat, no one can find Naruto. The escort mission has been moved forward and now they only have a day to find him. Elsewhere, Naruto wakes up and he's been turned into a mermaid! Ok no he hasn't. Bandages saved him and Naruto's fine and as orange as ever. They chat and Bandages gets pissy when he says he's going to bag him some Kaima. Hmmm I wonder why – one might say there's something a little fishy about this girl. Ohohohohohochortlechoke. Outside, we see Bandages' house has been vandalised and some village kids are lurking with rocks. This isn't her day. One sneaks up on Naruto, surpassing his ninja skills, to boot him on the shin. Bandages tells him to leave it be and starts pushing all his empathy buttons by explaining that since she was spirited away, it's no surprise people think she's a monster. She's a monster. No surprise. These are all words from the previous sentence that foreshadow nothing.

Shino and Ino are still looking for Naruto while Anko tries and fails to find a less flasher-like trench coat. They hear the tale of the island where anyone who approaches mysteriously disappears. Hmmm, all except our Miss Bump. There's a flashback of Anko being found and interrogated. Tsunade muses that Anko blocked most of her time with Oro, and that this return to where she was abandoned might bring back her memory. From the number of episodes left in this arc, I'm gonna guess yes. Someone gives Naruto a link to y!Gallery:

And this happens:

Bandages fishes up. SHE IS REALLY THE KAIMA OH MY GOD WHAT CONFLICT AND DRAMA SHALL BE BROUGHT FORTH FROM THIS TWIST. Shino and Ino (I enjoy saying their names together. What do people who ship Shino and Ino do when going for the fashionable combining of the names anyway? I genuinely need to know like burning - answers on a postcard, dear readers) are hot on her scaly tail, while Anko's curse seal starts a-throbbing as there's something familiar about that girl/fish. Why, she's only an experiment she saw as a child under Orochimaru's greasy grasp (who hasn't aged?). Naruto catches up as Bandages has been caught for the dish of the day, but she escapes and makes for the ocean, free at last:

Except a dude catches her. Time for a Naruto reaction shot:

Oh come on, we had this only one ep ago.

Team members: Naruto, Shino, Ino and Anko
Number of kage bunshin no jutsus: 0!
Number of rasengans: 0!
Next week:

169. Memory, the Lost Page

2010-09-05T15:19:00.011+01:00

Worth watching as a manga-standard episode? I think Anko's backstory is worth it.
Worth watching for the lulz? No, lacking in the lulz department.

We start off with Anko sweating it out over her curse seal. Turns out every jounin must have a photo in their room of their team and a potted plant, on pain of death by order of the Hokage. I can see this as being the kind of thing Yondaime put into force for the lulz and some extremists (like, I dunno, Ebisu) went crazy over it and started making people who disobeyed disappear. Yep, that's right, I just named Ebisu as the next Hitler.

This was actually a great idea for a filler saga: backstory of a minor character. Though this one does go kinda...weird. And by weird I mean fruity. And by fruity I mean 'huh, what else is on?'

Oro is watching YOU! ~~A Michael Jackson joke, by golly that's original.~~

In a less snake-filled scene, Naruto has an inappropriately shaped balcony. I don't really have much to say on this, I just think it's odd. A twelve year old with the power of a demon fox I got no problems with; an ill-suited attachment to a house that has no apparent purpose? Suspicious. Ino gabs with Sakura, telling her she was excused from missions because she had a cold. Even by filler standards, this is just lame. *Chants* Secretly pregnant by Gai! Secretly pregnant by Gai! Come on, kids, if we're going to deviate from plot, let's at least go for it.

Voiceover: Oh That Lotus! is filmed in front of a live studio audience.

Gai: Honey, I'm home!

Ino: Hello sweetheart. I've just finished cooking this delicious pot roast.

Gai: Not one of your relatives I hope! [Audience pisses itself with laughter.] Mmm, mmm, mmm, that does smell delicious. My beautiful flower is the best housewife in all of Konoha! [Pats her pregnant belly.] And I bet our budding seedling will inherit your talent.

Ino: Oh you! We're so ridiculously happy, aren't we? Please could you set the table?

Gai: Sure can! By the way, my blossom, my boss is coming over in ten minutes for dinner along with the board of directors. If you don't impress him with your delicious cooking, I'll be fired for sure!

Ino: [Gasps] But I'll never be able to satisfy all those men!

[Enter Kakashi.]

Kakashi: Did somebody say 'innuendo'?

[Audience hollers and wolf-whistles. Some middle-aged women have to be restrained by security.]

Gai: Oh no, it's my crude yet hip best friend, Kakashi! If my boss talks to you, I'll be fired for sure!

Kakashi: Your boss can talk to the hand, cos the face ain't listening.

[Gasps at his audacity and murmurs of 'He's so crude yet hip' can be heard. Kakashi seats himself at the table. The doorbell rings.]

Ino: Oh no, it's the board of directors! Quick, stall them while I run to the store to buy a bigger pot roast!

[Ino leaves out the back door while Gai welcomes the suits in.]

Gai's Boss Who Is Probably Sandaime Or Someone: After all your boasting, Lotus, I am looking forward to an excellent pot roast that had better not disappoint. Your job is riding on this!

Gai: You just wait, sir, tonight's the night. I've been trying to get my wife to go the whole hog for years!

Kakashi: [Looking straight at the audience knowingly.] Oh that Lotus!

[He receives a standing ovation. Meanwhile, outside.]

Ino: Ok, keys, purse, I sure hope I can get to the store in ti- oh my stars, it's Lee, Gai's former assistant who was put on a bus and never came back... until now!

Lee: Thought you could get rid of me that easy, huh? Thought I’d gone away forever and taken all your problems with you? Think again, you fucking whore!

Ino: W-What are you holding?

[In the living room.]

Gai: [Sweating profusely] I'm sure you'll be delighted by my wife's pot roast, sir!

Kakashi: I'm sure not delighted with your face!

Boss: LOOOOTUSSSS!

Gai: Wait, what's that noise ?

[They pause. A strange thudding noise can be heard.]

Gai: Kakashi, would you see to that while I entertain the board of directors?

Kakashi: Sure, all those pinstripes were making me cross-eyed anyway.

[Gai begins to say something as inane and repetitive as before, but is interrupted by a loud cry of horror from outside.]

Boss: Lotus, go and see what that ruckus is immediately!

Gai: Sir, yes sir!

[Outside, Gai is met with the less than pleasant sight of his wife ripped to shreds and his best friend's head rolls across the tarmac to his feet. Lee is dripping with blood and licks his hand as a manic grin spread across his face. Gai falls to his knees and begins to weep.]

Gai: Lee... no... how could you...

Lee: This is what you deserve for abandoning me.

Gai: Not my unborn baby...

Lee: I hate you, Gai, and I wanted you to feel the same pain I felt. You brought this on yourself!

[He resumes stabbing what's left of Ino and their unborn child. Gai's sobs are reduced to soundless wretches.]

Voiceover: Oh That Lotus! is sponsored by Yamanaka Flower Shop – flowers for every occasion.

Naruto never says more than two words to Ino – I'm surprised he can remember her name – so the fact he holds a conversation with her could just maybe be foreshadowing. Shino gets the jump on him and the three of them go to the Hokage's office. Sakura presumably wanders off to punch a tree or something. Anko is already there and the work experience animator got to do the beginning of this scene, working under the illusion that 'the crazier the camera angle, the more it will distract from the boredom!'

Shizune pulls down a convenient map;

leaving Tsunade with this lovely view as she explains the mission:

Naruto: so fandom-worthy, even its own characters cosplay each other. Shizune gets a good deal on some Kankuro cat ears on eBay and plays with puppets to animate the details. Anko and the ninjaettes are to go after a Kaima (sea monster) that has been plaguing ships in the Ocean Country.

Tsunade: I believe that this combination is the best one for the mission.

Shizune: All you did was call genin who were available.

Translation: The writers wanted to mix it up and Anko is coming along for backstory reasons, even though Tsunade normally never sends a jounin with genin, especially on the missions that are really dangerous and where normal genin that aren't main characters would get killed easily.

As they set off, Shino discusses the important ninja versus pirates debate. Back in the office, Shizune picks up a book and, not only is it the right book, but she immediately finds the page with information on Anko. There are blanks in her file from her time with Oro, and parts of her memory have been erased. Then we are treated to FIERCE WIND AND BAM! BAM! BAM! MEAN A CHARACTER IS BEING REMINDED OF SOMETHING! Oh work experience kid, you slay me. Anko's curse seal plays up and she remembers a gentler time, when Oro didn't wear a dress and smiled at women in a distinctly Jiraiya-like way! Good gravy, things did use to be different.

In the Ocean Country, a girl, bandaged in ways that defy gravity, delivers some fish and Ino pushes her nose in, complaining the girl isn't paid enough. Ino appears to have a vast knowledge of the fish economy. Random Villager informs our heroes that Bandages was the only one of a group demoned away to return, so everyone is suspicious of her. Perhaps with good cause:

Some Meanies attack her, and show they're serious by squashing an apple with one stomp!

We're hardcore.

Naruto saves her, of course, but Bandages knows ninja = bad, so she scootles off. This corresponds with the natural order of things, because she is female and all females exist for Naruto to prove to them he is Mr. Nice Guy. It would be a lot more interesting if he had to prove he was Mr. Nice Gai. Because you can never cosplay Gai enough. Apparently. Team Blonds and a Bug try to row to the island where Bandages comes from, but are hit by the Kaima and get caught in a battle of the tentacles.

Tentacle rape. When you know the writers are getting desperate.

Ino inexplicably passes out after being grabbed and stays that way, well into the time of 'this must be killing brain cells by now'. Nature Time With Naruto teaches us that frogs don't like salt water, so Naruto's attempt at using an attack that wasn't kage bunshin no jutsu or rasengan sadly fails. I get the feeling he'll take this to heart. But oh wait, it isn't the Kaima, just some dudes. Naruto gets a bump on the head and sinks into the ocean, avoiding drowning despite being unconscious. Bandages appears and gives him a snog. Somehow, I don't see this catching on as a ship.

Team members: Naruto, Shino, Ino and Anko
Number of kage bunshin no jutsus: 0!
Number of rasengans: 0!
Next week: A less Higurashi-inspired entry. Maybe.

One of those 'not really a post' posts

2010-08-22T17:37:00.002+01:00

Good grief, it's the end of August already. Thank you for the comments guys! I'm going to level with you and admit this blog isn't going to get updated for another fortnight or so. I've got the rents visiting, plus another writing project I'm working on that gets my spare time at the moment. But I'm not abandoning this baby! And when I get back, the poorly neglected sister community on LJ will also be getting some love injected into it.

So check back later and use this time to watch anything else but fillers. Because what crazy would watch them willingly?

168. Burning Pot! Mix it, Stir it and Boil it!

2010-07-10T22:24:00.008+01:00

Worth watching as a manga-standard episode? Ninja who have dedicated their lives to cooking? No. Just no.
Worth watching for the lulz? Yes!

Naruto wants a llama and Chouji's accompanying him in a desperate bid for more screen-time. Unfortunately, Ichiraku Ramen is fresh out and *SUPER MEGA ULTRA GASP* not open. Because normal businesses never close.

Ceiling nin are watching you masturbate.

Lolninjas – the more you run a meme into the ground, the funnier it gets. The boys sneak in regardless and find Ramen Man wants to make the perfect new ramen.

Though the sauce is orgasmic, ~~Gordon Ramsey~~ ~~Renji~~ Chouji fails the noodles. All the boy eats are potato chips and barbeque pork, since when did he become a connoisseur? Belatedly, Naruto realises Ayame isn't there... because she's dead! No, wait, kidnapped, that's the one. By – and it pains me to type this – cooking ninja.

Why We Need Ryouri-Nin Part 1: thinking about porn makes you hungry. Why We Need Ryouri-Nin Part 2: we don't. Their way of the ninja centres round producing delicious food suitable for eating on missions to improve performance. Or at least, that's how they justified it to their fathers, who nearly denounced their wussy children. If you want to be a chef, that's fine, just don’t bring down the honourable name of shinobi with your lustings after Jamie Oliver!

Maybe he's born with it...

The head kidnapper has a freaking nose guard attached to his face. How he is supposed to instil terror is beyond me. I imagine his to do list reads as follows: 1) Steal recipe 2) Blow minor things out of proportion 3) Get nose-guard dry-cleaned. Ramen Man won't give him the Sooper Sekrit Recipe of How Not to Suck (pro tip: the special ingredient is STOP BEING FUCKING USELESS NINJA) so Nose Face has a hissy fit and yoinks Ayame. "To a ryori-nin, a recipe is more important than his life!" This is the level of stupidity we are dealing with here. Ramen Man is challenged to a cooking competition or something equally gay to save his kidnapped daughter. Sakura, the voice of reason, suggests the Hokage.

"Then we'd have no filler plot. Stupid bitch."

Ramen Man teaches Naruto, Chouji and Sakura how to make noodles. The deadline is tomorrow and it took him five years to master the art. But of course they can do it in a night, realism be damned! "What matters most in cooking are your feelings!" cries out Chouji. "Skill and experience are not everything!"

False. Case in point.

The day of the contest comes and everyone turns up because nothing more exciting is going on in their lives. Noodle making time and Naruto fucking rasengans the dough. Somewhere, through the winds of space and time, Yondaime is facepalming. He creates a shoddy merchandise knock-off:

igniting Sakura's love for domestic violence and causing her to pound the dough into the ground (which, apparently, is the perfect way to knead). This isn't the first time they've dealt with unlicensed action figures:

Bottom left-hand corner.

Then Chouji supersizes his arms to wrap and pull the dough into noodles ready for cooking. Nose Face makes up a rule that the one who arrived first gets served first, by the honour of the ryou-nin, though what this has to do with honour only Sandaime knows. And he's dead. Exactly one hundred nin (who all look the same yet their design changes every shot) arrived at the same time. Wait a minute, doesn't Naruto have a jutsu- oh you silly filler writers, I was almost worried for a second there!

The day is saved and Linkin Park starts playing in the background as Nose Face sobs there is no use anymore for ryou-nin. (Really?? And no one told you this at the beginning, WHY?) Their flavoursome meals made ninja fat and useless. But it turns out Ramen Man does have the recipe they're after and it's been a misunderstanding due to a play on words... I dunno, I got distracted when they showed a bowl of soup with a pig's trotter poking out. Ayame is returned but she's now a porker. And so the real enemy turns out to be obesity. Ramen Man creates Diet Ramen (and presumably Ramen Zero) which is popular with the girls.

Temari can be seen in the queue, so this is obviously worth travelling three days for and, you know, skipping important missions and stuff. Bonus points for recognising Nova at the back – fucking your cousin sure does make you work up an appetite.

Ramen Man comes out of the back and has a severe case of anorexia. Remember kids:

Obesity = srs bsnss. Anorexia = lulz.

Team members: Naruto, Sakura and Chouji
Number of kage bunshin no jutsus: 2
Number of rasengans: 1
Next week: Anko's backstory: the truth behind the trench coat.

166 & 167. Naruto Did It This Year Too! The Bird Country Even Though It's the Year of the Dog?! Raging Dattebayo Special!

2010-06-27T19:04:00.001+01:00

Worth watching as a manga-standard episode? Let's imagine these episodes are my head and logic is a big hammer. No matter how many times logic is brought down against my head until it's a bloody, pulpy mess, it just can't get in.
Worth watching for the lulz? Erm, could someone send for an ambulance?

Before we immerse ourselves in the raging...ness, I came across this recently:

Er I mean:

It's the fifth Naruto OVA, done in CGI and released in 2009 (Wikipedia: my brain's external hard drive). Despite the mod graphics – sharingan-vision in CGI kicks ass by the way – the plot hops in the way back machine and puts the pedal to the metal. We're talking Sakura with long hair and multiple personality issues, Naruto with gender and clothes-wearing issues and Sasuke without issues (relatively). Now I'm not saying it's wonderful to return to a time when Sakura literally can't move out of the way without assistance, but this is a non-canon one-shot that really gets it right. Comedy, cool action sequences and Sasuke not being a whiny little bitch all come together to remind us of a simpler time, a time before everyone changed outfits and the seiyuu had to work on lowering their voices a tone. Apart from Sasuke's, as his balls dropped when he was three and he's been talking like a 25 year old ever since. But the best cameo of all has to go to Kabuto's ninja info card – it's on top form, as usual, and steals the scene. Look out for M Night Shyamalan's next summer blockbuster The Cardening coming to a screen near you.

Math, science, history, unravelling the mystery, it all started with a- special that isn't. In a little introduction, Naruto says "That's enough of my parlour tricks."

...

"Soon you're going to start to worry about my adventures in the Bird Country, huh?" No, not really. We have a recap to remind us why we should have skipped this arc and then we're straight into some copy pasta from Kakashi telling Sasuke, "Revenge is bad except go for it cos I hear it's pretty important to the plot." And oh look, just in case you weren’t paying attention to the previous hundred episodes, have a flashback to beat the theme into you. This leads my mind to wonder as to why Sasuke has such a deep voice for a twelve year old...

[Iruka doesn't have an office, but if he did, this is where they would be.]

Iruka: Hello, Sasuke. Take a seat. Do you know why I've called you here today?

Sasuke: Oh gosh, I have no idea. Hope I'm not in trouble, tee hee!

Iruka: No, no, nothing like that, no need to worry. That's a lovely shirt by the way.

Sasuke: Thank you so much! It was on sale, still too expensive really, especially considering I already have so much lilac! But if you don't treat yourself now and then, who will?

Iruka: Nice to hear you're taking care of yourself. So, I wanted to talk with you about the team you're to be assigned. Sandaime asked me to keep an eye on you and I think warning you ahead of the other students so you have time to adjust will help.

Sasuke: Ooo how exciting!

Iruka: Great, so the list reads Uchiha Sasuke-

Sasuke: That's me!

Iruka: Uzumaki Naruto and Haruno Sakura.

Sasuke: Wait, the boy who everyone avoids for some dark reason and the girl who camped in a tree outside my window for three days to take photos of me naked?!

Iruka: As you can tell, they're spirited.

Sasuke: You're going to put me in a team with those freaks?! [Sasuke clutches his head and sways] Re...lap...sing...

Iruka: [alarmed] Are you ok?

Sasuke: I want a cigarette.

Iruka: Sasuke, no, you were doing so well after the clan-

Sasuke: I want a fucking cigarette.

Forty a day since and Sasuke's never quite been the same.

Where was I? Oh right, Ron's secret spinning wall swings round so he can ditch everyone and this sets into motion the house falling down. Some people go for conservatories, others have a self-destruct button.

Kakashi raikiris through Ceiling Dude's stone defence, which leads him to 'suddenly remember' he is fighting the great copy ninja with the power of the sharingan. It's right there on his face, this isn't rocket science. Kakashi says this guy doesn't copy jutsus, but instead controls the flow of chakra to look like he does... you say potato, I say potato. I'm thinking there must be a teensy bit of poutiness on Kakashi's part, since Ceiling Dude is encroaching on his thang what with the copying of the copying and all. He explains he travels about finding shinobi without a village like him and stealing jutsus ALL THE TIME WHILE A LIGHTNING BOLT IS PULSATING INSIDE OF HIM. Gee I guess he really is hardcore LOLkillmenow.

The minor baddie dead, finally, Kakashi rendezvous with his ninja pals and Naruto updates him succinctly as ever:

Is it just me or are Tenten and Neji being a bit over-friendly in supporting Snape?

Snape 'explains' about Ron:

Yeah, that's about the standard of script-writing I've come to expect now. Oh no, there's a better explanation: "Most likely, he is possessed by the deceased daimyo."

Sigh.

Meanwhile, in one of the many secret passageways, Ron pulls on the rope that seems to do everything and has a good stare at the Noroimusha costume. Through the power of flashback we learn that Ron isn't Ron, but... Ron's dead sister! Except she's not dead. But she is his sister. Well, there we are then. Ron's the one who's dead, which sucks for him, and he returns as a ghost to give her a metaphor so she won't stab herself in the neck like she was about to. Back to the present, putting on the Noroimusha costume gives Hermione a glow and a man's voice, which is never explained, and she goes off to get revenge and pie.

Harry has escaped from Madam Pomfrey's to wait in a bush for Hermione to confront Dumbledore, who looks as if he's going to envelope her in his pillowy lips:

As if there wasn't enough 'reveals' in this arc, Dumbledore isn't Dumbledore (these guys aren't very observant are they?) but actually the boss of wandering ninja mentioned earlier. How did he fool them all? Flashback to him swallowing a sword and Mr. Weasley finding it delightful. Yeah. Hermione soon discovers fireballs pwn kites and Blue Peter masks and she comes crashing down. It's odd how Dumbley-dore claims to have travelled the nations searching for varied techniques, yet all the ones he uses comes from Konoha. Lazy, that's what it is.

Hermione's hat comes off in the melee and that turned out to be the source of her gender-confused vocals. Harry copes very well with the sudden revelation that his friend he thought was dead is actually alive and it's his other friend who's dead. He jumps out from his bush to do absolutely nothing useful at all. Thankfully, Naruto appears for a bit of action and states Dumbledore's ninjutsu is just an illusion. This doesn't stop him, Tenten and even Neji from being fooled by these:

I don't get how a cartoon has a props budget, but anyway Kakashi recognises this is the same as Shrek in CGI, except way less funny and not Scottish. He breaks the projector (the projector) and Naruto goes after Dumbledore, who grabbed Hermione after the old 'I'll poke you in the stomach and you'll fall unconscious' ruse. To reach her, Naruto has to board a boat into the wallpaper pattern of the house, which is pretty cool. Better hope it isn't yellow, amirite 19th century English lit students? Naruto has been genjutsu'd, which is a lot like being punk'd except you die at the end. Harry finds there is a river inexplicably running under the house, presumably next to the underground secret passages that are also lying about, and that Naruto is going to drown if he doesn't snap out of it. Harry takes a leaf out of Sakura's book and yells his name a lot, which actually works. Dumbledore appears with a tied up Hermione and Harry says he had a feeling she was pretending to be Ron all along. Yeah right, whatever Harry. You're just relieved those confused romantic feelings you were feeling towards your best friend turned out to be safely hetero.

To spice things up, Dumbledore throws off his clothes and suddenly changes appearance. Harry, the little masochist, gets stabbed by some shuriken and then appears to die. Hermione wails, Dumbledore lols and I look at my watch. Dumbledore splashes Naruto with a lot of water and he floats downwards. What saves him? The ghost of Ron, naturally. So. Many. Bloody. Ghosts. Then Naruto confuses Dumbledore with Axel as he discusses heart stealing, though after this many reveals and costume changes, anything's possible.

In the name of the moon, I will rendan you!

Dumbledore gets put out for the count and Hermione sobs over Harry's body. But, wait for it, Harry's not really dead because this is a filler moment and not a canon one. She vows to live for the future and forget about revenge. Lesson learned: Sasuke will totally be this easy. Right? Hermione is inaugurated as the daimyo and Kakashi gets a boner at the notion of someone not cross-dressing, contradicting a hell of a lot of KakaIru fanfics. How does this arc end? By blatantly pointing out a plot inconsistency – that the first Noroimusha was empty – and because they can't explain it, Dave strikes again with a 'oooo it's a ghost, spooky, eh, kids?'

And if you're still lamenting the lack of logic:

Furries. No more questions, because furries.

Team members: Naruto, Neji, Tenten and Kakashi
Number of kage bunshin no jutsus: 4 (including Dumbledore's copy cat version)
Number of rasengans: 0!
Next week: Cooking ninja. It doesn't get much lower than this.

165. Naruto's Death

2010-06-01T18:41:00.005+01:00

Worth watching as a manga-standard episode? Bah.
Worth watching for the lulz? Meh.

Never has an ep been so blatant about its desperation for ratings. At least in 'Gaara Dies!' in Shippuuden, he does actually die. You didn't really think Kakashi was going to abandon Naruto, did you? Shame on you, thinking something interesting might happen. So, after setting us up with that hum-dinger of a title, Kakashi yells out "PSYCHE!" and Tenten and Neji roll around laughing. Boy, did he fool them. But seriously, they're being followed by one of the Ceiling People and those cats are just messed up. Observing them before attacking, the enemy gets suspicious because Tenten wins a fight against Kakashi and Neji:

chucks some shuriken in their direction:

and sure enough, they're apes.

I love Naruto logic.

One of Dumbledore's dudes reports back that the Konoha posse are no longer a threat:

SERIOUSLY GUYS, WHAT IS UP WITH THIS HOUSE.

And Dumbledore fishes out his most splendid hat for Snape's seppuku ceremony. Snape is led out to the committing-seppuku-where-everyone-can-watch grounds and Dumbledore reads out his crimes. One of which is the following:

Now, I don't remember any of this being mentioned. This sounds vaguely interesting! I would like to hear more about this! Do we have some kind of Headless Horseman dealy going on? Or perhaps Ron's dad flopped out of a tv Ring-style? Alas, the world may never know, as just as Snape is about to paint the floor with his intestines, a mist descends. The Noroimusha appears in the confusion and yanks Snape up and away. Kakashi, Neji and Tenten show they were henged guards, which is a nice touch but doesn't seem to serve any purpose. Everyone runs/kites to safety. Tenten wants to unmask the Noroimusha because we haven't done it yet this episode, but Kakashi is as fed up of that as we are and sends everyone away. He always feels like somebody's watching him and he has no privacy. Sadly, no bass-heavy music starts playing, but one of the Ceiling People emerges. Kakashi is also revealed to have some less than sexy heels that have presumably been lobbed off in a mission:

We then have a flashback to the nightly visit of the Noroimusha to Snape. This thrilling scene of suspense and terror has the ghost standing there for half an hour before...doing nothing.

You know, if we weren't filler characters, they'd write fanfic about this.

Anyway, the Noroimusha who saved Snape was Naruto; Neji says he knew it all along and Tenten moans about getting left out of everything. You think she'd be used to it by now.

Kakashi fights the Ceiling Dude, who proves to be trickier than he first suspected. He's perhaps overpowered as he's not your usual elemental standard: he steals jutsus – one of which is Gaara's sand coffin. But this makes for interesting viewing and wondering why all ninja don't go for the 'Attack Prevention' jutsu. It sounds a handy catch-all for when your day is filled with people coming at you with pointy things. Naruto and co meet up with Ron, who tells them Harry’s undergoing treatment for his injuries-

Oh yeah, wasn't Naruto supposed to die this episode?

But no, Ron and Naru are best buds after Harry swung by Naruto's jail cell to say Snape is innocent and Dumbledore is the real baddie who killed Ron's father and sister. Ron was ready to sacrifice Snape so Dumbledore didn't realise he knew the skinny, but Naruto came up with a plan to save him by dressing up as the Noroimusha. I know, Naruto came up with a plan, and it didn't even involve farting.

No one's wearing shoes and Ron ends the ep with a line that could teach Sasuke a thing or two about being emo:

Annnnnngst.

Team members: Naruto, Neji and Tenten
Number of kage bunshin no jutsus: 0!
Number of rasengans: 0!
Next week: Two episode updates in one go. That's right: two. A Raging Dattebayo Special has never been this raging!

164. The Helper Who Came Too Late

2010-05-21T22:02:00.003+01:00

Worth watching as a manga-standard episode? Skip ahead to the ending.
Worth watching for the lulz? Said ending makes me lol, maybe that's just my twisted sense of humour.

Why does the title of this ep sound like a porny badfic? Snape's been arrested and Dumbledore tries to wrap up the whole thing neater than an obsessive compulsive obsessively and compulsively wrapping a box of neatness in a wrapping up contest at an obsessive compulsives' convention. He tells them to go home, but Naruto won't let it rest that there's something suspicious about the whole thing and even Neji agrees. When Harry comes to say farewell bearing a gift, Tenten shows that pairing her with Kakuzu isn't as off the wall as you'd think:

Then, due to bean-paste stuffed chicken wings, there is a true moment of beauty:

Naruto, wearer of orange, scorner of subtlety, literally sniffs the air and decides something smells fishy. The answer to this, of course, is to summon some frogs. While Gamakichi (that would be the Straight Talking Frog whose name I had to look up) comments on the changing social status of amphibians, Comedic Relief Frog (can't be arsed to look up two frogs in one night) paws at an obvious-once-you-look-at-it dangling string. Pulling the string leads to the revelation of a kite and looking at the tree shows more kites. Naruto, the boy fooled by fat!Lee, immediately realises that the Noroimusha must have used the kites to get around. Now, let us look at this picture:

Who would be fooled by this? No one. The excuse that the dark of night covers these kites is not even an excuse because it is just wrong. Shame on anyone connected with this plot: even the spouses of the animators, even the extended family of the builders of the studio next door to the one where this episode was realised. A curse on their children's children! Next, Comedic Relief Frog finds a nice patch of cool air to sit in and unwittingly unearths a secret passageway. Because what ~~Scooby Doo~~ Naruto episode is complete without one of those?

Harry goes for a friendly chat and biccy with Dumbledore, only to hear dramatic music because gah-

THE CEILING PEOPLE HAVE ARRIVED.

Harry realises that Dumbledore might not be a very nice man after all (there's a line near the end of The Philosopher's Stone that's never sat right with me). He's caught having overheard their secret meeting which was only protected by a thin wall of paper, and is chased and injured, leading him to fall in a river. From the bad men's point of view, there is nothing in the river. From Harry's point of view, he's breathing through a reed from a plant-less stream. So the moral here is: those who wear glasses are winners and gain some powers maybe.

Naruto, despite all of Jiraiya's protests to the contrary, finds perving on girls bathing is actually a crime. Ron has him thrown in jail – he has hair to dye black and nails to paint, he doesn't have time for this goddamnit. Once banged up, Naruto gets a visit from the Noroimusha!

!!

It simply pushes open the cell door and, for once, a convenient plot-point like this is ok because for Naruto, being an idiot = IC. Pat on the back there Dave, you keep using what you've been given. The Noroimusha jabs at him with a pointy stick for a while, until his straitjacket is ripped apart. He punches ghosty in the face and the mask falls off.

It isn't even the end of the ep. Unfortunately.

The ghost, like the plot, turns out to be an illusion. The Noroimusha is really...Ron.

!!

"That's not good," says Naruto, voicing the opinion of the viewer. Ron's living for revenge – oh there's that buzzword again, tune in folks, you never know, we might see a certain raven-haired emo kid. Except we won't. Ron can't let Naruto live knowing his boring secret, so he's sentenced to the death penalty. This is supposed to be a shock, but didn't he just, as in moments ago, try and kill him as the Noroimusha, so it's fair to say murder was already on his mind? Elsewhere, Neji's taken Tenten on a date to a graveyard and ruins the mood somewhat by saying he senses poison in the corpse of the previous daimyo. Ah those Hyuugas, so romantically challenged. Lots of guards appear and tell them that if they don't leave, they'll be charged as accomplices to Naruto's perving, despite neither of them being there at the time, Tenten being a girl and Neji being frigid. They then leave and the guards shoot arrows at them. You can't win with some people.

In the best ending ever, Kakashi appears and tells them to fuck off back to Konoha and let Naruto die.

[In a notebook of inspirational quotes and smiley faces in the margin, comes a poem from the pen of Lee:]

Konoha people are my friends,
I'll love them to the very end,
All my money on them I would spend,
For my Konoha people friends.

Neji and Tenten are on my team,
Being with them is like a dream,
They help teach me how to fight,
Bowl-cuts make them gasp with delight.

Naruto never gives up, oh no,
He is like a one-man show.
Sakura is the prettiest flower,
With her I'd like to spend an hour.

They miss Sasuke but that's ok,
Cos I know they'll get him back one day.
They've taught me to never give up,
And that orange isn't so bad once you get used to it but it's not as good as green.

Chouji and Kiba and Hinata and Ino,
Shikamaru and Shino,
They are also people.
But I haven't spoken to them much.

Of everyone in Konohagakure,
Gai-sensei is the best, hooray!
He's taught me lots of special things,
And also never to tell.

Team members: Naruto, Neji and Tenten
Number of kage bunshin no jutsus: 0!
Number of rasengans: 0!
Next week: 'Naruto's Death'. If this causes you any suspense at all, stop watching now. You are an idiot.

163. Strategist Koumei’s Schemes!

2010-05-16T19:27:00.003+01:00

Worth watching as a manga-standard episode? Less interesting than the first.
Worth watching for the lulz? Nope.

Naruto, who let's remember lives in squalor, has a lot of opinions about the lack of fancy in Dumbledore's house. The shock line no one ever thought he'd say:

is only about his surprise that an old guy who looks like he 'runs a dango shop' could be a daimyo's adviser. This, right here, is a waste of a shock line. Neji doesn't pause to lament this, but decides the Noroimusha is someone against the daimyo and Harry admits Snape has been acting suspicious. Which was exactly what was figured out last episode.

Neji wants to meet the daimyo to get the scoop, but a straightforward meet and greet is too much like the last scene. So everyone squats in some reeds. Two herons fly away, which is the universal symbol for a daimyo approaching. Ron parks himself and broods. Then some mallards swim past and that's the cue for a daimyo to stare at a pocket watch. Harry informs us he's lost in the memories of his sister, Hermione. Yeah, I'm making her Hermione so we've got the three main characters, that is just how I roll.

Look, Harry, mate, this isn't actually a friendship. When Ron asks you to get him a Mars Bar because he needs sugar, like now, and you point out he has a Twix, and he says "Yeah, but I'm not feeling a Twix; a Twix would make me violently sick. If you were really my friend, you'd know that!" and then he lobs the Twix at your head and says if you don't hurry he'll throw your parents in prison – that's the time to go and get a real friend. Then give up and go whine about it online. Get an LJ, for goodness' sake.

Neji turns on his murderous-intent-locating-byakugan – an upgrade Specsavers had a deal on the previous weekend – and spies some randomers trying to assassinate Ron. He knows they aren't important because they don't have original character designs. They clearly agree and don't believe messing with three twelve year olds was in the job description, as they run away at the suggestion of a fight. Honestly, ninja these days. Team Cool Guy, Comedic Relief and Token Girl save Ron, but he really likes being the chosen one for a change and says "Pffft friendship, being a daimyo is where it's at." Harry sadfaces, possibly remembering the good old Mars Bar days. Tenten gets a line where she can show off her weapons specialism, which she pounces on like Kiba on flea repellent. The shuriken the pathetic ninja used was from a garrison that Snape just happens to run. Wow it's like the clues are all being placed in a neat little line for our heroes to find.

The Ku Klux Klan updates their look and opts for a stylish purple.

Snape takes a walk that is so long the sun sets. Unfortunately the sun doesn't set on this episode and we still have half of it left. He approaches a storehouse with 'Pure' on the door (still getting KKK vibes here) and the ghost appears. Naruto barges in before anything interesting can happen. It turns into a fight, because that's how all Naruto characters work through their issues; this time Neji sees person inside the armour, yet hitting them directly with two exploding tags does nothing. Spooky thrill or evaporation of logic? YOU BE THE JUDGE. The Noroimusha uses the same kind of shuriken they saw earlier and they're keen to capture him for the answer to this godforsaken mystery. At least Snape has had the sense to leg it. Neji has Naruto use the move that got him during the chuunin exams, which is a nice reuse in my opinion, and then pokes him a lot. Naruto tries to unmask the ghost again, but out comes some purple smoke and green goo. A clue about our villain: they have no sense of complementary colours.

Training Day #3018

Notable successes: Speed creating hand signals has risen by approximately 2.05% since last week.

Failures to be eradicated: During taijutsu fighting, Gai-sensei had a gleam of hope in his eye when he thought he was going to land a blow on me, before I artfully dodged it and shot chakra into his liver.

Goals: Destroy his hope by next Tuesday.

Notes: Gai-sensei's acceptance of ridiculous missions is reaching critical mass. We were taken to a children's water park, where apparently some kind of demon was attacking swimmers. Lee's choice of clothing is unsuited to the wet, what with its tight and shiny structure, and the climate only accentuated these features. I scanned the pools and immediately disclosed there were no demons in the vicinity, yet Gai-sensei insisted we all get in and that it was necessary for him to swim about underwater. He got very excited and stated he'd found the demon, despite my correct assessment that the area was clear, and that it was under Lee. Lee immediately requested orders and was told to stay still while Gai-sensei soothed the beast. He then proceeded to stay underwater for an age. Tired of his antics, I chose to practice a particularly difficult and absorbed jutsu I have been perfecting, though he must have believed himself to be fighting something, what with all the thrashing. Lee was quite paralysed with fear. Eventually Gai-sensei resurfaced and announced I had been correct all along and that there was no demon. An afternoon wasted. When we returned to the training grounds, that female with brown hair was there again. I presume she is some kind of groundskeeper.

Team members: Naruto, Neji and Tenten
Number of kage bunshin no jutsus: 0! (though we do have a shuriken kage bunshin, you know, to liven things up a bit)
Number of rasengans: 0!
Next week: I'd like to say there'll be something new and refreshing in this arc but...

162. The White Noroimusha

2010-04-30T20:23:00.004+01:00

Worth watching as a manga-standard episode? There was something memorable about this arc, but I forget what it was.
Worth watching for the lulz? Neji and Tenten, while keeping things nice and sensible to a point, are the harbingers of anti-lulz.

Noroimusha means cursed warrior, or so I am told. I chose this title over the alternate translation 'A Slow, White Warrior' because it wasn't as terrifying as I'm sure you find the current one. Ambience, in a blog such as this, is key.

We begin with some good old fashioned, neighbourhood watch style curtain-twitching. A 'ghost' appears, strangely reminiscent of a guy who's run through a washing line and is wearing a mask he's stapled together. ~~Lol foreshadowing.~~ How cynical of me – it has to be a ghost as it disappeared when prodded. Because no one else in this series has the ability to do things like that.

Nope.

You don't stand A GHOST OF A CHANCE.
Elsewhere, Naruto puts his ninja abilities to good use as he pretends to be a booger. Maybe if Sasuke had partaken in these hilarious hijinks, he wouldn't have buggered off to emo over his murdered clan. So. When there's something strange in your neighbourhood, who you gonna call? Konoha apparently and the concerned citizen is none other than Harry Potter. (A crossover also saves me from learning any throwaway filler names.)

It seems Dave has been rereading book five and goes for a Harry with inner capslock rage, as he stabs himself in the stomach...only to remove a purse. His threat to cut his life into pieces as this is his last resort breaks Tsunade's barrier against missions of stupid, which she arguably never had to begin with. Harry is a Narutard and goes to Ichiraku Ramen (he knows his stuff) to fanboy Naruto. He produces the same non-creepy and non-stalkerish attitude a similar fanbrat would create, watching him eat and hiding in the shadows. Naruto is good to his fans though and takes on the mission, since he's already filled his pretending to be a booger quota for the day. Harry's best friend (logically this makes him Ron. Logically) was appointed as the new daimyo after his father and sister died, and he's glummer than when he was sicking up slugs. Somehow Harry and Ron's decaying friendship equates to Naruto and Sasuke's struggle, because mentioning Sasuke doubles the number of viewers.

Naruto, the little ninja with a big imagination.
That is supposed to be a black eye by the way. It is etched with fail. Naruto, Neji and Tenten set off on the mission to see what all this ghosting's about. They travel to the Bird Country, which we are told is far away. Then we are shown a map to prove it is far away. Then we have several hours of walking to show to get to this far away place you must do a lot of walking to get there. Of course this is not padding, it is essential to the plot. To break up the many frames of feet moving forward, Harry explains that the Noroimusha is rumoured to be Ron's father, searching for his murderer. Also, the daimyo's former strategist ~~has a motive~~ had concerns over Ron becoming daimyo so young. Since it's crossover time, that makes him, I dunno, Snape. Dumbledore, a big advisor bloke, cast Snape's aspersions aside and put Ron in charge. Good old Neji and Tenten look at this realistically and comment that Dumbledore and Snape are suspicious. Harry protests that Dumbledore is a sweetie-pie, so Snape is getting the ol' evil eye from our heroes. Wow, just like in The Philosopher's Stone.

Heeeeeeere's Johnny!
But then Snape gets a nightly visit from the Noroimusha and Neji's byakugan reveals it has no living aura. Well then everyone must be innocent and ghosts must be real. Naruto tries to expose the ghost Scooby Doo style, which fails because ~~we're not doing that crossover this week~~ there was no one inside! WITH SHOCKS LIKE THESE WHO NEEDS DRUGS AMRITE KIDS.

Dear Diary,

Me again! Well as if it would be anyone else. Though Gai-sensei did try and sneak a peek at you once – the shuriken that flew out trimmed the edges of that crazy bowl-cut of his. There was a thin line of blood above each ear and Lee, upset and confused, tried to stab himself in the head with a kunai to match. Yet another day's training wasted due to a trip to the hospital. The doctors still say Lee should come off the five different kinds of steroids he's on, but if anyone brings it up it causes one of his fits, so we try to stay quiet.

Gai-sensei's coming over, I wonder what he wants now...

Urgh that is just so typical of him! He said we have a mission to infiltrate a whorehouse coming up and so we had to put on our undercover outfits and recite our lines again. God knows why – we've been preparing for this mission for months, I don't see why we can't just go and get it over with! There was no getting through to him though, so we took our places round Gai-sensei, who always plays the part of the customer. I served him sake (while trying to pull up my top when he wasn't looking) and Neji fanned him, generally looking bored. Lee, of course, announced he wanted to be the best whore ever to make Gai-sensei proud of him, so he was wearing next to nothing. I didn't know where to look. We entertained him for a while and then Neji requested he go home so he could train with his uncle. I'm so jealous, it must be great knowing if you have family or not. Gai-sensei said we could finish there, but that he wanted a word with Lee. Lee said he'd change back into his normal training gear, but Gai-sensei said it was urgent. Not urgent enough to tell me I notice! I always get left out. Anyway, I'm off to wander the streets for the night since I don't know if I have a home to go back to.

Oh and Neji said two words to me today ("good" and "morning") bringing the total up to nineteen!

~*Tenten*~

Team members: Naruto, Neji and Tenten
Number of kage bunshin no jutsus: 1
Number of rasengans: 0!
Next week: More things go bump in the night than a harem of Tonbos trying to find a light-switch, and it's just as pointless.

161. A Welcome Visitor Arrives: The Green Beast? The Carnivore? The Welcomed Beast?

2010-04-22T20:33:00.007+01:00

Worth watching as a manga-standard episode? It's a good episode comedy-wise.
Worth watching for the lulz? Oh there are lulz. Plus the screenshot that spawned a blog.

'Exiguous: from the Latin, meaning scanty in measure or number.' (I can't read this without hearing it in the Pokedex voice.) Bitches don't know about my exiguous eighteen weeks of filler. Holler.

If you love Lee and Gai-sensei, and people impersonating them, the fillers are for you. If you have faith in Izumo and Kotetsu's ability to protect the village from outsiders, look away now. (There's a reason they're Tsunade's paperwork nin, you know.)

Lee and Gai go away on a mission and two bumbling idiots turn to cosplay to infiltrate Konoha – for honour, glory and fanboys everywhere. Those who would like to dress up as Gai, take note: put cucumber on your face, get a full body massage from a girl who wears bandages as a bra and have a manicure. If you want to be Lee: get fat. Dave really spent this week's budget on the spandex to cover the guy cosplaying Lee's arse, because the characters are drawn badly and the background scenery doesn't move. In this situation, have people standing and looking at a stall for ages, don't draw girls skipping and hovering in midair. They can't be ninjas doing something cool because Kishi has forbidden females being interesting. But the unashamed ridiculousness of it all makes my points petty and worthless. And those kind of comments in a blog too, imagine!

In a salute to the screenshot where Yondaime says fuck it and waltzes down a corridor while his son has the shits, the Konoha Amateur Dramatics Society joins together:

[As Jiraiya is their only source of funding, the society meets once a week to act out scenes from the stage version of Icha Icha Paradise. After turning from the eye-gougingly memorable image of that beautiful green arse, Ramen Man clears his throat and repeats his line.]

Ramen Man: I cannot believe my two wives have come to the same food stall at the same time! My secret has been revealed!

Inari's Mother: To think you were running a harem all this time, Giuseppe!

Mrs Curry: I, Tsunadina, don't mind for Giuseppe is the most handsome and virile man in the world and despite my vast years and decrepit face, I choose to give my body to him oh so willingly.

Genma: Would. You. Like. Some. Food.

Ramen Man: There is no time for food, I have a harem to run and wives to ravish over many acts and in great, R-rated detail!

[Meanwhile]

Bee Woman: Let us ignore their sexy argument and have some dango.

Ibiki: Aren't you supposed to be dead?

Ibiki isn't very good at staying in-character.

That would be the case of fanfic that's going around.

Kakashi, cool guy that he is, isn't fooled by the blatantly obvious disguises, and plays along before reporting to the Hokage. Tsunade sets herself alight and decides to have some fun. Yes that actually happens, watch it for yourself. Meanwhile, our main character, better at jutsuing up boobs than braining, begs to train with manicured!Gai and fat!Lee.

What did I tell you about this descending into fanfic? Naruto has become super uke number one; if he fell over in a field he'd get raped by a flower.

Tenten appears wearing a different outfit than usual, probably because no one in the office had a reference handy. She gets them to plant rice in a field. Then flying leeches attack. Yeah.

The lament of many a cosplayer. The filler writers sure know their audience.

Sakura begs them to recover her laundry, which has carelessly blown to the top of a cliff. Personally I would just buy new bedding, but Sakura bravely risks looking stingy to fill five more minutes of plot. And then Tsunade's slug has a cold. Naruto finds something deep and meaningful in waxing on and off, while 'Gai' and 'Lee' suffer painfully for our amusement. In a climax fit for Jenna Jameson, it turns out giant slugs sneeze acid. The idiot duo gets blasted off again with a double dynamic entry from the real green beasts and, in the most unlikely scenario since a ginger girl's hairclips turn into FAIRIES WHO PROTECT HER WITH HEALING SHIELDS NO REALLY WHAT THE HELL BLEACH, no one questions why something that pornographic is allowed in a children's cartoon.

Let me leave you with the thought that this episode isn't pure fantasy thought up by a group of guys in a cave. Oh no. In fact, it could be happening at a convention near you:

Team members: Naruto mainly
Number of kage bunshin no jutsus: 1
Number of rasengans: 0!
Next week: A Naruto/Harry Potter crossover? Accio headache!

160. Will We Take It or Will It Be Taken From Us? The Okay Temple’s Battle!

2010-04-08T18:34:00.005+01:00

Worth watching as a manga-standard episode? :/
Worth watching for the lulz? :/

I like the title of this one: "What's the temple like?" "Meh, it's okay." We were left wondering if Lone Ranger really murdered a family or not and I can't say I've lost sleep over it. Which is just as well with the time this blog takes to update. Naruto repeats

to emphasise how crazy this filler arc is. It's crazy.

Hinata's the one to notice the very important bird-shaped birthmark, so you know she's been checking out some Lone Ranger for herself. Imagining lots of little pale eyed babies in hats. What would those babies be? Damn cool, that's what. Mainly because of the hats. But let's not jump to conclusions – that mark on his chest could be anything. Let me aid your imagination with some commissioned artist's sketches of other possibilities:

Banana.
From another perspective – surely it wouldn't be so convenient as to be the right way round! – tap.

Or:

So let's not dive right in with accusations here. Or we could do and move the plot onwards. Let's do that.

But Lone Ranger was fraaaaaaamed by the Leader of the Pom Poms and he has a flashback to prove it.

Oh look, it's our old friend, the Uchiha massacre, here to sit in the armchair and tell us stories of how a bandage would set you back fifty ninja coins back in the day and how the Academy doesn't train 'em like they used to, what with its fancy scroll-learning. In the Uchiha massacre's day, why, you were pushed out into the fray and if you didn't break both your shin bones, you weren't learning! That's the problem with shinobi today, they've all got their portable telephones and their chewing gum and both their shin bones and no one's grafting like a real ninja should!

After literally falling asleep from boredom – in a room with the man who tried to kill them, with his sword in easy reach no less – our heroes leave because they're fed up of flashbacks and the other bounty hunter tells Lone Ranger he'll kill the target and then he'll kill him. He's the kind of guy who says what's on his mind. Hinata turns travel agent so she can get some lines, informing us about the Stone Country village where the thief is supposed to be. A big gold bell is being pulled up towards the temple and Kiba is struck with a vision that it will be yoinked. Because that's what you want to steal: a huge, awkwardly shaped object designed to make noise. The Pom Poms are back and their leader eats some dango so viciously it drives the viewer insane with rage at how evil he is. Or just insane, one or the other.

The gang head for the bell to stop it getting stolen but a group of glaring Pom Pom Nin try to stop them. Hinata's byakugan fails epicly when they turn out to be clones. Naruto laments he doesn't have time to think, as if it would make an iota of difference. Lone Ranger joins them because Naruto has taught him the power of teamwork, which is pretty much the only moral of the series. Pom Pom Leader grabs the bell and Naruto, Kiba and Hinata rope surf down to him because it's time to upgrade the running along with your arms stuck out thing. Lone Ranger hops on after Naruto tells him he won't be one of the cool kids if he doesn't. Peer pressure – if it helps get this episode finished, I’m all for it.

Look at how evil I am, with my love of a well trimmed beard and my vague resemblance to Jafar!

The rope breaks and our heroes fall in the water, but Lone Ranger lands in the boat and stops PPL mid cackle. He gets giddy over being able to claim his innocence, but then he gets stopped mid-giddy by the other bounty hunter. His speech goes as follows:

What.

But the real mystery here is how Kiba's hair has doubled in length in approximately ten minutes:

Filler writer 2: How should we end this one, Dave?

Dave: Hmm, it needs to be dramatic and shocking. Let's throw in a twist where the bounty hunter turns out to be good. Or something.

Filler writer 2: I've got goosebumps.

The bounty hunter says the village should be ashamed of themselves for calling Lone Ranger a murderer without having proof and, in a very unlikely move, PPL confesses to the crime. Which means a moving moment about the glory of men who capture men for money and a mission failure for Naruto, Kiba and Hinata. This actually has an effect on a later episode. Plot, in a filler arc? What the hell is going on?

Team members: Naruto, Kiba and Hinata
Number of kage bunshin no jutsus: 2
Number of rasengans: 0!
Next week: How to cosplay Gai-sensei – it's just as gay as you'd imagine.

What is this? It is not a post

2010-02-26T21:40:00.002Z

Since I'm moving this weekend, I called the phone company to disconnect from this flat on the 28th. They disconnected me on the 23rd. I guess it's ok, it's not like their whole business is run on numbers- OH WAIT.

Anyway, I am internetless (currently leeching) and will stay that way for 2 weeks minimum, maybe up to a month. Bah humbug. Guard my blog from trolls until I get back, k?

159. An Enemy or Friend?! The Bounty Hunter of the Desert

2010-02-21T18:48:00.005Z

Worth watching as a manga-standard episode? zzzzzzzz
Worth watching for the lulz? Worth watching if you dislike Naru/Hina?

[In a field filled with flowers and sparkles, Naruto and Hinata run towards each other as romantic music plays.]

Hinata: Oh Naruto-kun, I am so happy! Let us prove our love for each other!

[Kiba's eyes are trained on the screen as he dedicatedly thinks over the following responses that have appeared:

A) Let us be married before the morrow!
B) I just want to kiss you for hours, only pausing to stroke your hair and read you a section of my first collection of poems, tentatively entitled 'Hinata: The Blossoming Rose'
C) Tits or gtfo

Knowing any romance simulation game is about following your heart and trying to skip ahead to the hentai cut scenes, Kiba selects option C. Hinata stops running and looks confused.]

Hinata: W-what? But I thought we had something special...

Naruto: [Directing his rage to the other side of the screen.] Oh come on, man! Even I know you don't let on you wanna see their tits 'til like the second date or something!

Hinata: That's it! I am swearing off men forever!

[In a nearby bush, not too far from a parked helicopter, Neji taps his fingertips together in a disturbingly good imitation of Mr. Burns. While Naruto falls to his knees and goes through a pixellated tragedy, Kiba spies a butterfly and starts chasing it with Akamaru, immediately forgetting everything that has gone before. ADD will do that to you.]

Alright the beginning isn't exactly like this, but close enough. Hinata has made a picnic but Kiba is still chasing that butterfly. Hinata gives Naruto head.

*Cough*

She hands Naruto a customised onigari. Naruto does not understand that the rules of love dictate you make food in the shape of your stalkee. Apparently Kiba saying "we're on a mission" is not enough for us to understand. We must be shown a flashback of them receiving the mission, which is "to capture the bloke who stole Misogi from the Tea Country's daimyo".

Kiba sets the scene nicely for us.

Aside from the question since when was there a Tea Country, I feel the need to draw attention to the translator's note: 'Misogi is a tool used for self-reflection'. Is it me or is that pretty deep for a Naruto episode?

Oh Naruto, sometimes you say the cutest things. ~~61 eps left~~

Kiba chucks his Naruto-ball for Akamaru to nom as, despite the barbs of rejection it will no doubt drive into Hinata's heart, it's a step too far to expect a guy to eat something in the shape of another guy.

Just one of many delightful lines the fillers has brought us. Well, I say many, I mean two.

Looking at the scenery, the Stone Country has a theme and it's sticking with it. Let's hope the Fire Country doesn't follow suit. Our heroes come upon a town straight out of the Wild West, complete with tumbleweeds. Naruto is stupid enough to mistake a poster for a person. They stumble into a bar and are told "We don't take kindly to city folk". Then they have a brawl. This thing just writes itself.

A Lone Ranger sorts out those who think a dog doesn't have the right to drink dirty bar milk. Then, considering some of the things these kids see on a regular basis – people walking on water, turning into demons, Gai wearing an afro wig ~~oh it's coming~~ – Naruto, Kiba and Hinata are impressed because this guy cut a sword in half quickly. I'm not saying it wasn't good, I'm just saying- oh why am I even trying to apply logic to this. He reveals he's a bounty hunter and what do you mean hats and scars are cliché this guy is rocking them. The fact the gang are ninjas is apparently very lol-worthy and then Lone Ranger tries to push milk on everyone.

The protein in milk keeps me in perfect shape to slice swords and wear a hat. Plus some studies indicate ninjas who choose milk over sugary drinks are leaner. Try asking the ones who don't drink it – oh wait, you can't. They're dead. Not only is it delicious, but your canine pal will love it too. And if anyone has a problem with that, send them my way.

He leads them out of the town and Naruto finally decides to bring up the fact that most ramen businesses do not profit highly in the middle of the desert. Lone Ranger does a 180 and tells them the Milky Bars are not on him! Also he's going to kill them. He gives Hinata, Kiba and Akamaru a good poke, inexplicably causing them to fall unconscious. Even though he just said he was going to kill everyone, he obviously doesn't and Naruto gets the mysterious poke of nap-time too. Lone Ranger goes after the target because he works alone goddamnit.

He follows some ninjas wearing pom poms and then the guy he's after jumps out. He throws nails into the ground, which come up and stab Lone Ranger's feet, keeping him rooted while the rest shoot up to slice and dice him. I was quite impressed up until this point re his effective ninjutsu, but no actual slicing and dicing occurs apart from a bit of ripped clothing as somehow the hundred nails miss his sitting duck target body. Regardless, Lone Ranger plays along, groaning in pain until Naruto uses his kage bunshin for something useful for a change, scaring the Pom Poms off.

Naruto and the crew take Lone Ranger to a handy, empty house, when another bounty hunter from the bar attacks with a big bat. Nice to see some people still do things the old fashioned way. However, ninja > bat, so the guy runs away. He leaves behind a poster to explain his sudden actions and that is... dun, dun, dun, the wanted poster for Lone Ranger. You mean someone who tries to kill kids isn't a nice man?!

This sentence, imagine it announcing its return in an Austrian accent.

Team members: Naruto, Kiba and Hinata
Number of kage bunshin no jutsus: 2
Number of rasengans: 0
Next week: More pom poms than you can shake a kunai at.

158. Everyone Follow Me! The Survival Scheme of Sweat and Tears

2010-02-13T17:02:00.003Z

Worth watching as a manga-standard episode? Not really. Good for lots of different character moments, but plot is s-l-o-w.
Worth watching for the lulz? Booby booby no jutsu. You may come to your own conclusion.

Everyone has been called to Tsunade's office to help with genin training. They will each take a genin team and lead them to a mountain. And let's stop right there.

Dave: Ah, mountains. Visually appealing, easy to draw and...

Filler writer 3: Symbolic?

Dave: Excellent, Number 3!

Filler writer 2: Show off.

Dave: Let's send the genin up a mountain and surely the plot will write itself!

[Ten minutes later.]

Dave: Ok, read out what we've got so far.

Filler writer 1: Chouji being knowledgeable about plants, Neji knowing about the sun or something...

Dave: Good, and how long does that take up? Fifteen minutes?

Filler writer 3: Two.

Dave: [Slams his hands down on the table.] We're not harnessing the power of the mountain! Think majesty! Think soaring to great heights!

Filler writer 1: Pizza's here.

Filler writer 3: They better not have forgotten my extra mushrooms.

Filler writer 1: Well we're not sending it back if they have. You know how hard it is to find a company that delivers to a cave?

Filler writer 2: Dave, would you like some of my Mighty Meaty?

Dave: I want this damn episode written!

Filler writer 1: Don't worry boss, I have an idea.

Dave: Is it a riveting narrative of love and betrayal on a mountain?

Filler writer 1: ...sort of.

Filler writer 3: Where are my fucking mushrooms?!

Naruto initially refuses to help out, but is duped into it by the announcement/blatant lie that this will help him become Hokage. He gets assigned Konohamaru's team.

In case anyone wanted to read Tsunade's list. No there isn't a joke to go with this. What, you people expect me to be on all the frickin time?

Chouji's team get informed that there is a plant called the Shinobi Aid plant, but also warned that there is a Shinobi Blockage plant. Is there some kind of darts board the writers are using for this stuff?

Dave: Good shot at that dartboard, Number 1! Someone write 'blockage' down and use it in a creative yet suitable for before the watershed way.

Filler writer 1: And to think my mother said those five years in Darts School would never amount to anything!

Neji says something complicated about being able to find south with a wristwatch, simply to prove how useless Naruto is. He gets his team lost and my god we're ten minutes into this episode already and there is just nothing noteworthy to say. Lee's joy at being called 'Lee-sensei' and wanting everyone to run and sweat into the sunset is heart-warming in only the way a guy wearing green spandex yelling about secretion of salt-water from the body can be.

This episode made me turn to the English dubbed series as there is some difference in translation for the scene where Naruto's group is attacked by practice enemies. The one I'd originally seen – and incidentally my favourite for throwing all subtlety out the window – was booby booby no jutsu. Yes. We now live in a world where that is a genuine jutsu. I'll give you all a moment to dwell on that.

As I was saying, I only speak Fangirl Japanese, not actual Japanese, so I rely on Narutopedia to inform me that 'puri puri no jutsu' translates to 'pudding technique’. This makes a little more sense when Team Goggles announce this collection of WTF: in a sparkling transformation, Udon becomes 'custard boobies', Moegi is 'cherry chip boobies' and Konohamaru is 'cow's milk boobies'. The dub valiantly tries to make sense of the images on our screens. This is a dangerous idea. It leads to the association of Udon with a tanning salon receptionist, finishing with the chant of 'cheesy, cheesy cheesecake'. I wish I was making this up.

I don't think the filler writers quite understand the importance of sexy no jutsu in our lives. How dare they mess with canon, trying to answer the age old questions that have plagued fandom since the internet began? It makes a mockery of website upon website devoted to thoughts such as: can a girl perform this technique? If so, wouldn't she turn into a dude? Wouldn't her changing into a female more attractive than herself suggest a hideously low self-esteem in the user and a desperate cry for help? Doesn't this completely contradict Shippuuden episode 80? Alas, we have no time for these insightful questions; however we do have time for me to introduce people to the support group I have set up. It is for the victims of the Naruto dub. These poor, unsuspecting children (and are we not all children at heart?) were set upon and viciously ear raped by this woman:

I ask that we all rally together in this difficult time to put a stop to the madness that this woman sounds a) like a twelve year old boy and b) like an entity who is not furiously inserting a pineapple into your ear canal with every breath. Don't let Family Guy fool you into thinking ear rape can ever be consensual. It cannot.

Feel free to distribute this card in doctors' waiting rooms and anime conventions.

Night falls and it starts to rain. Shikamaru enters Iruka's tent and the following exchange takes place:

Iruka: What's wrong?

Shikamaru: Since our character designs are too similar, we only get so much allotted screen time together. By coming to see you now, I've used it up for the rest of the year.

Iruka: Well that's just great. Did you ever stop and think that maybe I like to play shogi? I have a life outside of the Academy you know! Spending all day every day with a bunch of kids, sometimes I want to talk to someone intelligent and have a thought-provoking conversation! With a glass of wine! And maybe a cigar! Hell yeah, Iruka could smoke a cigar!

Shikamaru: ...I'd better be going. By the way, you'll never be allowed to smoke a cigar. Too similar to my smoking Asuma's cigarettes thing.

Iruka: DAMN YOU NARA!

[Exeunt Shikamaru.]

Iruka: [Sigh] Back to practicing our Backstreet Boys tribute band, right guys?

Band: Right!

Naruto and the team climb the mountain...share food...teamwork...Naruto does various things with bunshins and rasengan... Christ this episode is pointless.

Team members: Naruto, Konohamaru, Udon and Moegi
Number of kage bunshin no jutsus: 2
Number of rasengans: 1
Next week: A dog not allowed to drink milk at a bar?! Surely there will be a two episode arc about a hero who can save us!

157. Run! It's the Curry of Life!

2010-01-30T19:57:00.007Z

Worth watching as a manga-standard episode? This ep is fun, especially if you have a soft spot for Lee.
Worth watching for the lulz? Chops and changes between lulz and angst like a bipolar adolescent. Which would be a normal adolescent.

This week's title brought to you by MGM's forgotten shame-filled mistake.

Raindrops keep falling on my head. But that doesn't mean my eyes will soon be turning red-

Er, it's pissing it down and Lee is in trouble as Raiga harnesses the lightning of the storm to make himself extra powerful. It's not going well for our heroes, but on the plus side, today's the day you get to find out what's under Lee's spandex (and don't try and deny you haven't thought about it):

Saucy. Having just brought Ranmaru down the mountain, Tenten now carries him up again, with Karashi and Mrs. Curry following.

There is a hole for everyone (Lee's being more oddly shaped than most) ...or something... look, there is no way I'm finding the quote, that manga is fucking scary.

I notice the crippled Ranmaru is now walking, all thanks to the power of curry I presume. Because it has leg vitamins. Lee eats the whole pot, which turns out to have a bottle of wine in, and I'm pleased to announce that the writers finally bring the ridiculousness of this arc to a head and have some fun with the reviving powers of curry. Ranmaru reveals he is alive to Raiga, who does a little happy dance, but that might have been a bit premature as Ranmaru creates a wall of smoke round them and tells Raiga not to worry because he'll be his eyes. He then tries to lead them off a cliff. Way to be OOC, Haku.

Lee attacks with his drunken fist, stopping Raiga from walking off but Ranmaru ends up falling. Sadly, Naruto saves him and Ranmaru jumps in front of Lee so Raiga won't kill him. Having exhausted his number one option of a cosy murder-suicide, Ranmaru goes for asking Raiga if he's tried not being a bloodthirsty killer. In a pep talk that is convincing no one, far too much is attributed to curry:

There's a high school level argument about how Ranmaru is supposed to be Raiga's friend and no one else's except he went off with that bitch Tenten, I mean who wears their hair like that anyway, what a freak, and oh my god you have a crush on Lee don't you, Ranmaru, that is so gay, you're just all gaybos and I hate you I hate you. Ranmaru double dog dares him to zap him, but Naruto stands in the middle, using this chance to ask Raiga about Kisame again. The redundancy of this question makes Raiga go batshit crazy and start shooting lightning all over the place. Naruto smacks him about with his clones and Raiga goes off the cliff, choosing to fry himself into ashes rather than go splat. What a happy ending.

[Ibiki slowly rolls a senbon over his cracked lips as he studies the enemy nin before him. The fluorescent lights above them cast shadows in all the wrong places. Crime is never black and white, but this guy's as dark grey as they come. He's been in Konoha custody for five hours. He'll break him in two minutes.]

Ibiki: They told me it couldn't be done. He's a Swordsman, they said, one of the seven that brought pain and destruction to the Great Nations like no one'd seen before. That kind of mindless killing scars a man, scars him deep until his link with humanity's severed and gone forever.

[He waits for a reaction: regret, disgust, fear – he'll take any of them. Nothing. He plucks out the senbon and stabs it into the arm of the chair, narrowing his eyes at the perp.]

Ibiki: That, and he's a pile of ash.

[This is indeed true. The pile of ash does nothing.]

Ibiki: Cool customer, eh? That's how most of 'em start out. 'Til I break out ol' Scratchy. Scratchy goes for the itches you only get in hell. TONBO! Fetch me ol' Scratchy!

[Tonbo, who had thought the prisoner felt light as he escorted him to the interrogation room, pats his hands over the trolley of torture instruments. Cutting his finger on a rather nasty scythe, he pokes the digit against his mouth, but finds no salivary comfort as bandages obscure his entire face. What was he thinking?! Hastily he pulls the bandages off his mouth and sucks on the wound. No, bandages over the eyes, that's the only way to go.]

Ibiki: Tonbo! I ain't got all day!

Tonbo: Here you go, sorry for the wait.

Ibiki: I'm over here. And what the hell is that?

Tonbo: An instrument of torture?

Ibiki: ...it's a gardening trowel.

Tonbo: I wonder how that got mixed in there?

Ibiki: What the hell are you asking me for? No, don't get another one, we'll be here for hours.

[He reluctantly takes the trowel and puts it right in the face (?) of the rogue.]

Ibiki: Right. Now you listen to me. You better start talking or you're gonna have a long, painful conversation with Mr Trowel here.

Tonbo: Oh, Mr Trowel has arrived? [Bows respectfully.]

Ibiki: No, you idiot, Mr Trowel is what you just gave me. I name all my torture instruments.

Tonbo: Ahh, so that's who this 'Raidou' you keep talking to is. Is he the knuckle duster?

Raidou: I've worked with you here for six years. We went to the Academy together. I was best man at your wedding.

Tonbo: Isn't it amazing what these chakra-infused weapons can do nowadays? Ibiki, would you like me to polish Raidou?

Ibiki: God no, the paperwork after what happened last time was a nightmare. Look, go sit over there and don't cause any trouble. No. Over th- where the chair is. The chair. To your left. No, your- Fuck it, just stand still and do nothing. Where was I? [Brandishes the trowel again.] Like I was saying, if you don't start talking 'bout Hoshigaki Kisame, I'm going to weed out your organs!

[Pile of ash.]

Raidou: Ibiki, I don't think it's possible to still detect his organs-

Ibiki: What a surprise, Raidou has an opinion! The Hokage may have given you an easy ride because of the 'sexual harassment issues plaguing this department', but I'm in charge round here and we do things my way. You got a problem with that?

Raidou: No.

Ibiki: Cos if you do, I can tell you a little story. [Whips off his bandana and points to his head.] You wanna know how I got these scars?

Raidou: Not this again.

Ibiki: I'm waiting! I said, do you want to know how I got these scars?

Raidou: I already know! I was there the day that blender exploded! You're not the only one with scars!

Ibiki: Tonbo doesn't have scars.

Raidou: He might! We'd know if he ever took off those stupid bandages.

Tonbo: Who insulted my bandages?

Ibiki: Ignore him, he didn't-

Tonbo: No one insults my bandages and gets away with it!

Raidou: Tonbo...put down the sword.

Tonbo: It was you, wasn't it! I'll kill you!

Raidou: Hey, I'm just a knuckle duster, what do I know?!

Ibiki: Both of you, shut up and get on with- What the hell... the enemy's blown all over the floor! This is disgusting! Oh there's bits of him in my coffee and everything! Tonbo, fetch the Dust Buster of Doom, that'll break him.

Raidou: One of these days I swear I'm going to quit this job.

Team members: Naruto, Lee, Neji and Tenten
Number of kage bunshin no jutsus: 1
Number of rasengans: 0!
Next week: The filler writers have been quiet for too long – look forward to next's week culmination of months holed in a cave writing crap and using a dartboard creatively in The Naruto Fillers: Dave's Revenge!

156. Raiga’s Counterattack!

2010-01-21T20:05:00.005Z

Worth watching as a manga-standard episode? Lots of curry. Lots of no.
Worth watching for the lulz? No, so I'm writing this review using song titles that include American place names. I have no idea why either.

Tenten is hanging around the cliffs for a reason I can't remember and sees that Raiga is back in the New York groove. Raiga is a little pissed his Haku doll has run out of batteries and takes it out on Tenten. She has clearly been taking tips off Neji as she pokes him with her pointy stick but gets zapped out of action.

Look at this dramatic ninja battle!

I'd just like to remind everyone this is supposed to be a fight between a genin and a former member of the Seven Shinobi Swordsmen - Tenten is able to torment him with her pole for far too long. Embarrassed by his boss's display, Karashi loses face:

Hahaha, good grief I'm hilarious. To be in keeping with the established world of Naruto, this would be the point where Raiga quickly and efficiently slits her throat without a second thought. However this would cause a couple of problems for Shippuuden, as Kishi couldn't be bothered coming up with another background character design, so instead she's left unconscious. I think they missed a trick here: Naruto: The Zombie Tenten Chronicles would have sold like hot cakes. Karashi flails around for a while, aiming Raiga's wrath at those pesky Konoha kids instead of his delicate fleshy parts. On gaining consciousness, Tenten is disappointed to find Ranmaru still alive. She proceeds to carry him up the cliff with the intention to drop him off the top, but instead spies a hut and, finding a window in her schedule, decides on whiling away the hours with some torture of her most hated demographic. Ranmaru inexplicably has a fever and says he'll die. She tells him not to joke, which is a poor joke on his part – he's got all that material about being crippled, surely he could have pulled something better from it.

Karashi goes to tell the gang that their teammate fell off a cliff and when they leave he takes the little old lady from Pasadena aside to tell her they’re getting the midnight train to Georgia (they better watch out for the devil). The boys run into Raiga who now is using real lightning instead of fake lightning! Jeepers. In what much be the bunshinest kage bunshin no jutsu scene ever, Naruto keeps creating clones so Neji can ask them if he knows the way to San Jose. After frying them both, Raiga makes an observation:

Tenten takes Ranmaru back to the shop, and since he's dying of course the medicine is curry. Of course it is. Karashi is a whiny little bitch, wanting to run away and go walking in Memphis, but the power of Lee compels him to make some fucking curry. I guess that means he's good now or something. Speaking about Karashi and Mrs. Curry, Tenten then slams pretty much all viewers everywhere:

See, this arc may seem to be about curry and lightning, but it's actually a coming of age tale for the Team Gai buffer (not to be confused with Lee, the Team Gai fluffer). Being a teen ninja is a stressful job and I suggest checking into the Hotel California for some R&R. When a girl is dreaming of nunchucks over Californication, it's a sign to take a step back and stop being jealous Neji has the hair flip down pat. After her speech, Ranmaru decides he's no longer such a fussy eater. We learn the secret to the curry is special meat made of human flesh and crack cocaine because he gobbles it up like a little whore. What does curry taste of? It tastes of living.

Sigh.

Lee asks Raiga why he's so evil and he explains it's because he left his heart in San Francisco. And I'm done.

In other news, now this blog is finally getting noticed for its edgy political humour – well one enraged comment on the previous review. Ok it wasn't that enraged. Or even at all – I feel the need to destroy all parties on the political spectrum, and, having looked up what 'Republicans' and 'Democrats' are on Wiki, have created this, which is surely to be snapped up by Private Eye minutes after posting:

Likening the President of the United States to a children's cartoon character WHAT WILL THIS BLOG DO NEXT SERIOUSLY I HAVE NO IDEA

Team members: Naruto, Lee, Neji and Tenten
Number of kage bunshin no jutsus: 8
Number of rasengans: 0!
Next week: Is this the way to Amarillo? Nope, just more bastard curry.

155. The Creeping Dark Clouds

2010-01-11T20:02:00.004Z

Worth watching as a manga-standard episode? This is getting dragged out to sad proportions now.
Worth watching for the lulz? Raiga's still posing under a pile of rocks, but that lulz has been and gone.

In some ways, this episode had the chance of being considered to be the best thing ever, and others, to suck sweaty Gai balls after climbing three mountains, beating Lee twice in a display of loving sensei pwnage and one heartbreaking rock-paper-scissors match against Kakashi. I started watching it eating a Mars Bar Rice Krispie square I crafted myself, which was made of deliciousness and the tears of angels. How could anything fail to be enhanced to maximum amazingness? But I also started it after watching the Supernatural series 2 finale (I came late to the party) and let's face it – the Naruto fillers on a good day aren't fit to lick Jensen's studly boots even when he's having an off day demon hunting. So, conflicting powers of light and dark inside my heart (and stomach) aside, let us move on to the review.

Naruto has gained yet another fanboy, whose traumatized face can serve to illustrate the proper reaction for anyone who's touched in the head or has been watching this arc with their eyes closed and fingers in their ears (actually isn't that how everyone is watching these eps?) because, gasp, Karashi's sudden change of heart was too sudden even for filler! He has a dastardly plan against our young heroes: ninja are stupid so throw rocks at them.

Sttttttttttttrike! What's your prize? Twenty more minutes. This is a villain sponsored bowlorama, you know.

Why Karashi is being shown to be one of the bad guys I don't know, considering Lee is trying to force him to live a life of curry for god's sake. The forecast is slightly cloudy, likelihood of a big ninja tornado. Because that's how you make Wolverine more powerful: you spin him.

Surprisingly this doesn't work and Naruto and co beat the henchmen up. The villagers want to get a piece of Karashi because his attempt to pass his treason off as a 'joke' doesn't deserve to go unpunished, but Lee steps in and asks they beat him up instead. I don't have a problem with this because he then has another go with his speech on the importance of curry in one's daily life.

THE MORAL OF THIS ARC, I DO NOT UNDERSTAND IT.

Karashi reluctantly agrees and they go to get Ranmaru out of the shed. Tenten gets some much needed characterisation here as she states he should just be left since he can't do anything for himself – shame it reveals she's some kind of disabled person hater?

Tenten burns not only every one of these she finds, but the people in them too.

WHO then sponsors Ranmaru's flashback. The villagers shunned him because he had an ability that he called ~~Shining~~ Shinning because he doesn't want to get sued. Raiga may have been using him to fuck shit up, but Ranmaru doesn't care as he has no morals, like Sarah Palin. Naruto's solution to him beginning a new life is not medicine or physiotherapy, but goddamn curry. Giving Raiga's corpse a quick check, Ranmaru notices something that makes him happy, leading us back to my earlier point of the wonders of taking a leaf out of Sam and Dean's book. Some salt and lighter fluid could have solved this mess in an instant. They go back to the Curry of Life shop and the old woman proves that if they're not talking about curry, then it's snot. She serves Karashi 'punishment curry' for trying to join an evil dictator – did someone dare the writers they couldn't stretch this questionable use of spicy food to the brink of madness or is Uncle Ben simply paying them for each mention? – and the shinobi prepare for Ranmaru to live there and become a good guy. Except they leave him alone with Karashi, who amazingly, when faced with the choice of a life of curry or lording it over villagers while working on his evil laugh, chooses the latter. He carries Ranmaru to find Raiga, who he sensed was not dead, and the Haku-fanboy gives Raiga his chakra (I presume eBay was all out of Zabuza cosplay swords) so the arc can have another two episodes.

Team members: Naruto, Lee, Neji and Tenten
Number of kage bunshin no jutsus: 2
Number of rasengans: 0!
Next week: Thinking about it, the Winchesters would have kyuubi running away with his tail between his legs in one episode... ok, ok, next week no more Supernatural references.

154. Natural Enemy of the Byakugan

2009-12-30T16:19:00.003Z

Worth watching as a manga-standard episode? Yes and perhaps that's why it'll look oddly familiar.
Worth watching for the lulz? Less curry than last week (!)

Since they don't have the sharingan to play with, the filler writers seem to like inventing the foil of the byakugan. This time it isn't Neji failing his driving test due to that arsehole cyclist coming up in the exact position your wing mirror doesn't reach and then they have the nerve to fail you when there are minor consequences such as fractures and law suits! Where was I...through Neji Vision we see a bunch of enemies surrounding them and that chakra patterns form scary clown faces.

They get down to some ninjaing when the bad guys turn out to be trees and rocks. Neji is suitably embarrassed and won't be comforted knowing it happens to the best of us. The byakugan pwns all yet it's been tricked with illusions that have chakra systems. This shit, it just gets crazier. Don't feel bad, Neji, to recap:

Oh yeah, if you were wondering how the gang survived the lightning attack that was last week's shock cliffhanger, I'm going to go out on a limb and guess they jumped out of the way like sensible ninjas do. Raiga takes the piss and inexplicably dons a Zabuza mask, while blasting our heroes with some more lightning. I hope you guys like lightning, because we're going to be seeing a lot of it. He thinks he's got rid of those meddling kids in one attack and surveys the scene, commenting in what can only be described as an affectionate tone "Ah, warm corpses." No doubt he found The Texas Chainsaw Massacre endearing. Lee does some damn good fighting while unconscious and manages to detach Ranmaru, who pops out in a cocoon like a little maggot.

Lovely. Naruto asks Raiga if he knew Zabuza and Kisame and unleashes a torrent of bitterness due to his loss in the Great Screentime War. Tenten and Neji decide that it's a good idea to stand near rather than stab the cocoon that is utilising Edward Cullen no jutsu. In a moment sure to have the audience on their feet screaming "WHY GOD WHY" Neji actually implores Naruto to use kage bunshin, but this might be because Tenten is suddenly acting strange ~~look it's sparklier in the ep ok~~:

"This is the skin of a killer." [Insert angst]
"A sexy fine killer!"
"...Tenten that is not appropriate."

Naruto rasengans Raiga off the cliff and they unzip the cocoon to find Haku. I mean Ranmaru. He wastes no time in flashbacking everyone to fill us in on his plagiarised backstory, taking a Kimimaro direction this time, just so no one's left out. I'm waiting to find out Orochimaru gave him a curse seal and that he has a brother to get revenge on. Anyway, way back when, which is a time when everyone looked the same as they do now, Raiga looked to be in the ANBU of the Hidden Mist Village and was looking for a spy from the Hidden Mist Village. But continuality obviously isn't his strong point because he's forgotten who he's supposed to kill and is killing everyone. Well, that's one way to solve it.

Ranmaru is a special snowflake and enchants Raiga with his glowing red eyes. Conjunctivitis, it's bringing sexy back. From then on, two become one and they set their spirits free as it's the only way to be. All this story highlights is the need for the shinobi nations to get together and organise some damn counselling sessions for their many, many orphans. Ranmaru leads Naruto on the guilt trip of a lifetime as Naruto just punched his wheelchair off a cliff and oh did he mention he was crippled? So, kids, let's get to the moral of the ep: what do we do with disabled people? We tie them up and leave them without food, that's what we do.

And all the time this has been going on, Raiga has been like this, which I find disproportionally amusing:

Team members: Naruto, Lee, Neji and Tenten
Number of kage bunshin no jutsus: 3
Number of rasengans: 1
Next week: Neji predicts a storm is forthcoming. I predict a bad joke and excuse to post these pics is forthcoming:

Although of course this means for female viewers next episode can be nothing but disappointing. It's the lesson I hope this blog teaches.

153. Reach the Heart! Fist of Love

2009-11-30T20:07:00.004Z

Worth watching as a manga-standard episode? If Naruto can be devoted to ramen canonically, I don't see why Lee can't put his faith in curry. I'm still rooting for this arc not to suck.
Worth watching for the lulz? This is no joke people – if your religion is not majorly focused on curry, then you're probably going to be converted.

We open with the guy who ran off desperately trying to save his friend, but uh-oh the bad guys have shown up. Raiga explains why he's funeral-happy: people are jerks when they're alive, but at a funeral they only remember the good times. I keep imagining this guy partnered with Hidan.

Hidan: Being immortal is fucking awesome.

Raiga: Being alive sucks dick. It's only when you die that people think well of you.

Hidan: Figures I'd get a partner I don't get on with. Guess we'll just have to bitch at each other for the rest of this shitty mission.

Raiga: Let's not be hasty. Why don't we settle this while getting pissed at a bar?

Hidan: Hell yeah! But it'll use up the rest of the money we were given... [side glance] Is that a problem?

Raiga: Not if we can buy one of those long pipes of beer and challenge each other to down it in one go! This will make one of the happy memories I'll have of our time together! [Mutters under breath] _{Before I give you a funeral.}

Hidan: YOU ARE THE BEST PARTNER EVER!

The guy gets sentenced to his own funeral and we discover Raiga has the villagers working in the mines or something, just in case there were a few people at the back who hadn't realised this guy was being established as evil. Raiga watches the funeral and has a chat with the voice in the back of his hood. His henchmen have the worst 'I'm a bad guy' laugh ever, but fortunately Team Gai Plus Naruto have smoke bombs that don't quite do anything but they look cool. The henchmen have the power to Wolverine it up but this does nothing because they are supporting characters.

The last fighter turns out to be Karashi. He is the ambassador for bratty teens/socialists everywhere as he pouts when discovered and defends Raiga's dictatorship ways. What's not to like about this guy? These scenes kept getting interrupted by flashes to the curry shop. A man is about to be buried alive – personally, burned curry is pretty low down on my list of priorities and, more importantly, interest right now. As for what happens next, I’m going to let the following dialogue speak for itself:

But who am I to judge? Dave found a metaphor and he's sticking with it. The fact that Lee has a flashback to a time when he was unconscious is completely irrelevant. Should Karashi ever feel like a change of art style, I have a feeling him and Aizen would get along. Anyway, Karashi has an abrupt change of heart and- Wasn't something important supposed to go here? Hmm. Give me a minute while it comes to me. In the meantime:

[Time to check in on Naruto's epic journey – screw getting Sasuke back, this is about his aim to get 50,000 before the end of NaNo.]

Sakura: Naruto! Have you finished? My love story is complete at 51,244 words. I'm going to mail it to Sasuke. I wrote it in purple pen on pink paper sprayed with perfume to accentuate my love...for writing.

Naruto: Nearly there! Maybe I'll send mine to Sasuke too and the awesomeness will make him come back home.

Sakura: You sound pretty confident.

Naruto: Sure am!

Sakura: What's your story about anyway?

Naruto: It started off about a young boy who is hated by everyone because of the demon rabbit sealed within him, put there by his mother, who died saving the village. He decides to become a pirate, so he goes to pirate school and gets put in a group with this really pretty girl with blue hair and a jerk who comes from a family famous for their powerful hair techniques. Stuff happens to them. But then I ran out of ideas and skipped ahead three years, adding in a group of guys with evil plans.

Sakura: The Akatsuki?

Naruto: Eviller than them! They send the poor, unfortunate, super cool young ninja, er I mean pirates, on pointless swashbuckling missions – painful to do and painful to watch. For no reason at all!

Dave: [From a cave far away-ish.] Plagiarism!

Sakura: Not even for money?

Naruto: No one even makes any money because everyone refuses to read these extra adventures.

Dave: Damnit!

Naruto: Did you hear something?

Sakura: I don't know, Naruto, you think people want to read stories about a loser 'pirate'? You sure they don't want dead people who wave swords around?

Naruto: That's just stupid, Sakura-chan. As soon as I finish it, everyone's gonna know where the awesome is. I sort of ran out of plot before I reached 50,000, so I started writing down everything people were saying around me. Adding in this conversation, I'm nearly there!

Sakura: Oh for the love of- Hand that over, let me see what you've written.

[Sakura takes Naruto's messy, dog-eared scrawl of a manuscript and squints as she tries to read.]

Sakura: There's like three pages here and practically every word is spelt wrong.

Naruto: Just read it and you'll see!

Sakura: Ok weirdo 'Naruto! Have you fin-' blah blah, ok here's a new bit. Ahem. 'Iruka-sensei was in his flat, painting a picture. He said "Iruka can paint a picture – that's just the crazy kind of unexpected thing he does! Tonight, when I've rinsed the brushes properly so they don't dry with paint in and go hard, I'll totally go out to a bar! And I might buy a woman a drink! And we'll try and talk above the sound of the music, except I won't be able to hear her properly because they play it far too loud in establishments nowadays, how anyone doesn't go deaf is beyond me, and she'll say something and I'll ask her to repeat it, and she will, but I still won't have heard so I'll agree anyway and hope that was the right response. We'll get on like a house on fire. I may even walk her home! Hell yeah, alone at night together! I'll make sure she gets in safely and then come home and write in my diary all about my wild and unpredictable life. Ok, nearly finished my flowers in a vase...that will look nice on that wall. Or maybe on that wall there. Hmmm. Or by the window. Wait, is that- is that the man who teaches Naruto? What's his name..." "It's Kakashi!" "Thank you. Kakashi, WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING IN THAT TREE WATCHING ME PAINT MY DARK AND DRAMATIC PAINTING?!" "I like to stalk people. It's kind of my thing." "I swear to god I will sue you Kakashi-"'

Naruto: "...and it'll cost 50,000!" [Jumps up and climactic music starts playing.] YES! I did it! I got to 50,000 in my story!

Sakura: ...that isn't...you seriously thought... They trust you with sharp things?!

Iruka: Does no one care that I'm going to take Kakashi to court in what will surely be an interesting and unusual tale?

Sakura: No.

*Snaps fingers* Oh yeah, better save the guy stuck in a coffin. They finally let him out and the ninjas go off to smack Raiga's legs for being a bad man. Raiga does the old hiding in the mist technique and contemplates his urge to buy a big phallic sword, while Lee checks his ninja info ~~cards~~ book.

Thundercats, hooooooooo!

Our heroes might just be fucked.

Team members: Naruto, Lee, Neji and Tenten
Number of kage bunshin no jutsus: 1
Number of rasengans: 0!
Next week: Except they're not.

152. The Funeral March for Those Who Live

2009-11-21T23:00:00.004Z

Worth watching as a manga-standard episode? One of the few really good eps, this is a great one for Team Gai.
Worth watching for the lulz? People getting buried alive and amusing reactions to hot food. This ep has it all.

That's weird, I could have sworn I already saw an arc about a young boy being used as a tool by an older, stronger nin... oh wait. I did.

Dave: Hey, the Wave arc did pretty well, right? Everyone loves young boys being used as tools by big tough guys.

Filler writer 2: I know I do.

Dave: Let's bring that back in exactly the same way! But to stop anyone from noticing... What were Zabuza's attacks like?

Filler writer 1: Mainly water.

Dave: Ok, get this, we'll make this guy lightning based!

Everyone: Wow, that's awesome!

Filler writer 2: You’re so smart, Dave.

This actually starts out with an Akatsuki vibe – a guy who buries people alive and gives them a funeral, crying as the soil is heaped onto a rattling coffin. This is good shit! Raiga is recognisable from your random filler villain as he wears lipstick and achieves his fashionable wide-eyed look by frying toads with lightning and licking them. Three men who appear to be slaves of the nutjob manage to escape while he's distracted, which is good, but then fall off a cliff in the rain, which is bad. Naruto finds them and carries all three as he walks along a river. Lee is practicing fighting while wearing various metal bracelets and shin guards that all the cool kids are wearing. Look at this – Naruto and Lee doing proper ninja training, instead of just chucking some shuriken at a target! This opening gets a thumbs up from me. Let's see how this can go downhill.

Tsunade sends Naruto and Team Gai to investigate and we find Tenten has been on a team with Lee for too long:

Sakura shows her medical training under Tsunade is improving as she cures a bird with a sore wing. Character development? Buh?? There's even a classic ending to this scene as bleeding and pissed off Izumo and Kotetsu carry the chair that Tsunade threw out the window in a rage back into the Hokage building. We learn where a chair's head is and that inanimate objects are susceptible to a Hokage's pre-menstrual tension:

Not content with cribbing the Zabuza/Haku relationship, Dave goes the whole hog and makes Raiga one of the Seven Shinobi Swordsmen. Naruto must be having difficulties with his contract and pay because a) he doesn't get excited at the prospect of a mission that could have a clue to finding Sasuke (and considering this is near the beginning, there's no hope for him) and b) he forgets who Itachi is and his relevance. Come on.

There's an amusing flashback to when Gai and Lee ran a marathon while asleep. The Curry of Life, sold at a shop on the route where our heroes stop at on their way to Raiga's village, apparently saved Lee's life. The fan reaction to the Curry of Life is ironically like the Curry of Life itself – you either love it or you hate it. But more on that later. For now, I want to point out this wonderfully realistic moment, because everyone has a grandmother who would say something like this:

Karashi Not To Be Confused With Kakashi puts a... live turtle and a lizard thing into the pot. This diet revelation of Lee's suddenly explains a lot about his character design. One of the men who escaped at the beginning leaves for the village in the night, wanting to save his buried friend. Is his friend emo with a fondness for snakes and butt-bows? Find out next time.

[NaNoWriMo fever has hit Konoha and many, many civilians have died due to all the ninjas typing away on keyboards or scribbling in notepads instead of kicking ass. This probably should have been brought up at the beginning of November when it actually started, but shut up.]

Sakura: How's your story going, Naruto?

Naruto: Not so good, doing words is hard.

Sakura: You mean writing.

Naruto: Talking words hard too.

Hayate: I know what you kids mean, my character is sitting under the light of the moon and I want him to have a deep realisation about himself, but I don't think the pacing's right and-

Naruto: [Pointing] Isn't he dead?

Sakura: Shh, I'm trying to think of a good word to describe Sasuke's eyes, and I've already used 'obsidian' 13 times!

Naruto: Sakura-chan is writing fanfic for NaNo?

Minato: 102,718 words in 21 days, oh yes, read 'em and weep! Bow down bitches, it's the Yellow Flash!

Naruto: [Eyes narrowing] Now I'm sure he's dead.

Obito: It's ok to have all your characters wearing goggles, right? Nothing says hero like a pair of goggles!

Naruto: Who the hell are you?

Kakashi: [Sobbing] This is the best day of my life!

Sakura: [Briefly looking up from Sasuke tying a pink haired OC to the bow of a ship with the intention to ravish her. Incidentally she went with 'obsidian' for the fourteenth time.] Because your dead teammate and sensei are alive for no particular reason?

Kakashi: No, because I made it to the 1,667 word count for the first time this November! I don't understand, this thing was supposed to be a steampunk tour-de-force with a dark sub-plot about a mechanic searching for a demon... and all my characters just keep having sex.

Jiraiya: I wish that would happen in mine! I've already spent my advance - Esmeralda and Lorenzo need to start getting sweaty and horizontal, but all they want to do is talk about the opera and the corkiness of the fine wine they're drinking!

[Kakashi raises his visible eyebrow. He may have raised both, but we don't know. We just don't know.]

Jiraiya: Jiraiya can be cultured!

Naruto: Why is 'one of these things is not like the other' playing? Ero-sennin isn't dead!

[Awkward silence.]

Sakura: Did I mention I get awesome in Shippuuden?

Kakashi: Yes. Several times.

Lee: Yooooooooooosssssssssssshhhhhhhhh I am so pumped that I don't even care I am breaking the tradition of dead characters suddenly speaking! I shall write the best novel ever using my skills of youthful passion, love of hard work and dedication! Being a ninja is the perfect day job for a NaNoer!

Naruto: [Tapping his chin thoughtfully] So what you're saying is that NaNoWriMo is for the ultimate ninja, and if you win it, you become Hokage!

Kakashi: No. No one said that.

Naruto: I swear, with that frog as my witness, I WILL GET TO FIFTY THOUSAND!

[Will Naruto reach the word count by the end of the month? Will Kakashi's characters ever stop having sex? Will Sakura convince anyone her OC isn't her with bigger tits? Find out November 30th!]

Team members: Naruto, Lee, Neji and Tenten
Number of kage bunshin no jutsus: 0!
Number of rasengans: 0!
Next week: If you don't tune in, it's your funeral.

Sorry.

151. Blazing Byakugan! This is My Way of the Ninja!

2009-11-14T10:16:00.004Z

Worth watching as a manga-standard episode? God, I don't know, stop asking me questions!
Worth watching for the lulz? Have some prepubescent lulz.

Note: Didn't I promise to give up on the notes? It's that sweet thrill of typing the word, knowing I'm going something wrong, but can't stop, riding the high and then scrabbling around in the low for another hit... also the heroin might have something to do with it. Anyway, the point of this note (there was a point?!) is to say this review was actually written a couple of months ago and therefore does not sit with the current date of November, because, mercifully, all bugish living things are dead. Go cry in a corner, Shino. But, if you happen to be reading this later, when you're not paying attention to the date it was posted, go ahead and pretend you didn't read any of this. It's all a smack-induced fantastical dream anyway. Which may very well be the legitimate ending to the fillers. HERE'S HOPING.

Here we are again, at another explosive arc end – time for shock revelations, plot twists, epic battles to the death, vital character development... Yeah, I'm not really seeing how bugs fit into this. Not that anyone is interested in my personal life, but by odd, phobia-inducing coincidence I'm reviewing this ep in my new flat, which has a highly suspicious wasp frequency. Every day I wake to find my kitchen a siege in the Great Wasp War against... bees. Whoever. Possibly instigated by Japan copyright laws over their design in animation. The point is my countertop is not a no man's land and neither is my sink a dugout- OK LITERALLY AS I WAS TYPING THAT A WASP APPEARED UNDER THE WINDOW SILL. What the fuck, has Naruto taken over my life so much that it is now physically manifesting in my living space? Have I signed a six month contract for the vortex between the two- and three-dimensional universes? If so, why is Kakashi not naked on my airbed?

I think I just answered my own question.

So. Hinata is hurtling towards a waterfall because there is always a waterfall. Once again for prosperity: there is always a waterfall. This might be more emotional if she didn't look like a large turd:

Shino chucks a skuriken at Giant Fuck Off Bee, which doesn't please it, to the extent that Shino's lack of social graces causes the bee to vomit honey all over them. He proposes a trade of the Special Bug for Hinata, which I think was the plot of the last four episodes, and they agree because since this is the only screentime they'll ever get, this plot is the only life they know. But when they get to the place they left Hinata, she is decidedly absent and it's a presumed death by waterfall. Naruto gets pissed off and tries to nudge forward intimidating in his honey cocoon turdinator. This, however, lacks in the threatening department and Bee Woman gives them the chance to tell her where the Special Bug is and she'll spare their lives 'for the most part'. So she'll only kill them a little dead. Naturally, Shino sees a flaw here but before he can say anything, Naruto goes a bit Kyuubi, freaking one of the Bee Men out. He tries to attack him, but an exploding tag appears at his feet. When the smoke clears, why, it's Hinata!

The three bad guys send three separately named bee attacks at her, which all do exactly the same thing of surrounding her with bees. Hinata gets to be badass here, doing the Arms of Vishnu Jutsu:

Although her crowning moment of awesome is quickly interspersed with many of fail, just so we don't get too worried a girl is having a lot of screentime where she's fully clothed.

Sadly the subbers didn't take liberties with the script, but Shino does a

Basically he let them get caught so they didn't die in the hive while having his bugs working to get them out of the cocoons. Hinata kills all the bees with her fancy jutsu, although a can of Raid would have worked just as well really, but Bee Woman pulls out the big guns with Giant Fuck Off Bee making a comeback. Naruto tries to help her, but Shino holds him back. Hinata realises, a la Shippuuden ep 28, that all she has to do is make it harder, better, faster, stronger, but unlike Team Gai it didn't take her ten episodes to work that one out. She gives the bee one and it lands on the Bee Clan. Then she just looks adorable:

We then get a 4Kids style death suggestion for the bad guys:

I think I'll have a nice little sleep now.

The gang retrieve the Special Bug and are about to use it find Sasuke in ways I have forgotten and no longer give a shit about, when Bee Woman appears! With Giant Fuck Off Bee! And she's batshit crazy! Naruto rasengans her ass, but this also causes him to lose Sasuke's forehead protector, which he'd planned to squeeze and bottle, making a fortune on Eau d'Saucegay. Hinata finds it, but Naruto has to bend over to try and grab it from under a fallen tree. As he's stretching, the Special Bug is born and then- oh Naruto humour, you learned art! He farts and the bug slowly sets off on an epic journey... to his arse. Is it possible this was the most useless arc ever? Let's wait and see! The ep ends with Sakura chasing him, wanting to lay some deserved smack-down on his jump-suited person and it's a moment of genius that the bug helps her find his sexy no jutsu'd self in the crowd. Elsewhere, Hinata gleefully explains the mission was a failure to her family and can anyone get used to this, because I sure can't:

Then they have a few seconds left to fill, so Hinata keeps repeating 'more' until everyone gets sick of it and fades to black. So, my ending thought? I suppose since a fart helped him win the Chuunin exams, Naruto has broken even now. In a really disgusting way. Ewwww it's as if this show is for boys or something!

Team members: Naruto, Kiba, Shino and Hinata
Number of kage bunshin no jutsus: 1
Number of rasengans: 1
Next week: Another update! That's your twist ending right there.

150. Deceive, Confuse and Be Deceived! The Grand Bug Battle!

2009-11-07T15:33:00.007Z

Worth watching as a manga-standard episode? Bees.
Worth watching for the lulz? Bees.

A public service announcement: there is one .avi file on the internet for episode 150 and that file is corrupt. I can't take screenshots with .rmvb files ~~because I can't be arsed finding the right codec.~~ What's a girl to do? Obviously use this situation to show an alternate reality of what this blog was going to look like, once upon a time. I was going to draw scenes in Paint and it was going to be ironic and postmodern. And as with all ironic and postmodern things, it came out looking shit. Especially when I still think a tablet is something you have with water after a day of sitting with your face an inch from the screen because someone told you the pixels in Vincent's jacket look like tiny puppies. Put on your dimension-travelling goggles, kids, it's going to be a bumpy ride.

Actually this isn't so bad, I could totally be a filler animator. Naruto, Shino and Kiba go to the scene of the kidnapping and try to trace Hinata's scent.

Then there occurs what I think is my favourite filler line:

Shino says he remembers a clan from the Hidden Stone Village who were bee users. Back in the day, they fought the Arabume clan and lost. This is actually a cool little sequence for the Arabume clan, especially when we see that one of them has a Gaara-esque gourd. I'm not sure what it means, but it must mean something. To recreate the grand bug battle:

Bee Man 1: I wish we had that scroll.

Bee Man 2: The one that we've been searching for all this time?

Bee Man 1: Yes, the one that will teach us the forbidden jutsus and let us restore our clan to its former glory.

Bee Woman: Here is the forehead protector we will have the Bikouchuu find for us.

Bee Man 2: Yes, I saw that earlier.

Bee Man 1: That was your grandfather's, wasn't it?

Bee Woman: Yes, I am my grandfather's granddaughter.

Bee Man 2: We use bees, don't we?

Bee Woman: Yes, we are bee users.

Bee Man 1: Yes.

Determined to get Hinata back and still protect the Special Bug, Naruto and co go to the meeting place where they are supposed to exchange the bug for the girl. Unfortunately their plan fails because the Bee Clan members turn out to be made of wax.

The battle rages, Shino defending them with a wall of bugs, which works until Bee Woman sends out bee bombs. Naruto gets stung in the crotch, which really ought to hurt, except he's a clone made of bugs and the Bee Clan are clones made of honey and no one is actually anyone so nothing has any consequence. Even crotch stings. Thankfully, they retreat and later find the hive that no one is surprised to find looks nothing like a hive, where Hinata is being kept. Is nature just different in Japan? Like the sky is pink and leaves fall upwards and the land is ruled by crab people? The boys are shocked and more than a little turned on when they rescue Hinata and she responds by giving Naruto a big hug and a sly grope. Shino protests that Hinata would never act so whorish, and sure enough it's Bee Woman henge'd. Least she wasn't made out of fucking honey.

Elsewhere, the real Hinata is poised to be sent over a waterfall if she tries to escape. Actually no, it's 'the opening to a complicated waterway'. Well I'm now adequately filled with terror. The Bee Men go off to look for the Special Bug. Inspired by a flashback of Naruto's beating on her cousin, she somehow moulds her chakra to shoot bullets of water through the bees. I'm not sure how this works, but it doesn't matter because the last one cut the rope before she could kill it and down she goes. Bee Woman explodes the hive and the boys fall into a hole where there's an army of bee larva that will slowly devour their chakra like the fillers are slowly devouring pieces of my soul. One quick summon later and she wants them to say hello to her little friend, Giant Fuck Off Bee.

Rut-ro, Shaggy!

Team members: Naruto, Kiba, Shino and Hinata
Number of kage bunshin no jutsus: 0!
Number of rasengans: 0!
Next week (no, really, it will be next week): I predict a internet-wide mass fanart extravaganza for episode 150 – upside: everything will be covered in bees, downside: people will have to watch the episode.

149. What’s the Difference? Don’t All Bugs Look the Same?

2009-10-04T09:51:00.006+01:00

Worth watching as a manga-standard episode? The many scenes of bug searching make this episode rather like that icky uncooked part of membrane on top of an egg.
Worth watching for the lulz? Getting chased by a giant bug is a diluted version of lulz.

There's a very important onsen scene to establish Tsunade has breasts and is a questionable Hokage if she is throwing away reports her ANBU have risked their lives for. But, as we have already established, she has breasts so it's ok. While hunting in the forest, Hinata is concerned that they might get stung and Shino suggests his travel-size bottle of rohypnol:

Naruto is less than convinced, mainly because that's Shino's answer to everything. The Bee Clan has appeared in the shadows and they also want the Special Bug because the fate of their clan rests on it. I'm starting to think these guys need to get out more. Naruto is shown a picture of what the bug looks like:

and, to everyone's excitement, claims he has seen it before ~~on another network.~~ (On a non-Naruto note, in looking up that picture, I was reminded of the untimely demise of Leomon and my subsequent scarred childhood because of it. LEOMOOOOOONNNNNN) But dear, special Naruto is only the victim of child abuse and is thinking of cockroaches. Bee Woman decides it will be easier to let the brats do all the work and then it'll be as easy as stealing bugs from a genin. They've already been there ten days, which is a pathetic amount of time to spend looking for a bug. Hinata's searching is a little questionable as she feels the need to zoom in on snakes and birds, just to make absolutely sure they're not a tiny bug. Then there are many hilarious scenes involving bugs, each more hilarious than the last, which I'd describe, were it not for the incredible tedium that would involve.

Hinata has learnt her lesson from last time and is now only training at night with clothes on, much to the disappointment of tonight's peeper, Bee Woman. The next day, time is running out, but Team 8 find consolation in the fact that if being ninja don't work out, they can always be weathergirls. Unfortunately it won't be raining men, just water, which will bring on the spawning, which is important to the plot in ways I have forgotten. Bee Woman announces to her comrades that if the brats don't find the Special Bug, then she'll kill them because she wants to be a weathergirl too, damnit, and those Aburame are always stealing her thing. Hinata can see clearly now the rain is there, oddly enough, and after some hot eye pulsing action, spies the bug. They capture it and it lays an egg; in two days they can use it to find Sasuke. The Bee Clan decides to make their move and attack Hinata with bees. She cuts them up but gets covered in 'honey':

'...a questionable substance that the Bee Man had to spend a few minutes 'summoning his chakra' before he could shoot it at me. I want to go home! No, Shino-kun, rohypnol would not help!'
and presumably gets taken back to the hive. Because you know the writers are going to milk the whole bee metaphor as much as possible.

[On a break from searching for that goddamn bug, Naruto is on his ninja-mobile, calling his ninja-teammate, who is also a ninja.]

Naruto: HI SAKURA-CHAN, ISN'T BEING A NINJA AWESOME!

Sakura: Naruto, quieten the hell down before I come out of that phone and beat you senseless! I was trying to get through to Tenten, but she seems to be screening my calls...

Naruto: That's nice! I've been working hard on my mission! But I'm sort of tired of searching for bugs even though I've only spent two episodes doing it.

Sakura: Episodes?

Naruto: You know, measurements of time within my life.

Sakura: Oh.

Naruto: How's things with you?

Sakura: Not so bad. Today I had to sever all the important blood vessels of a rabbit's liver, remove it, perform surgery by shaking it about so the infected blood went everywhere – let me tell you, pus is hell to get out of magenta scrubs – and put it back in before the rabbit died, all the time feeding chakra directly into its eyes with my elbow.

Naruto: That's pretty gross, Sakura-chan.

Sakura: Being a medic-nin is not always an attractive job.

Naruto: I thought you guys all wore skimpy skirts and fed grapes to your patients and then to make them better you sat on top of them and-

Sakura: No, Naruto, that would be what happens in porn.

Naruto: Oh.

Sakura: I'm going to go now.

Naruto: Got to practice your lines?

Sakura: Lines?

Naruto: Lines and lines of medical text Tsunade-baa-chan is making you learn.

Sakura: Er, yeah.

Naruto: And act out your moves in front of the camera?

Sakura: Camera?

Naruto: The camera Shizune is using to film you while you work so you can watch it back and improve on your medical jutsu!

Sakura: _{Do we even have cameras in our-}

Naruto: And then are you going to leave the set and go home and watch something that isn't Naruto? Since although I'm damn amazing, sometimes you need to unwind and forget about work.

Sakura: Ok, that one did it. Naruto, what are you doing? I thought only Sai could break the fourth wall! Didn’t we sign some kind of agreement with that suspicious-looking man who went back into that cave with the sign outside that says 'CHARACTERS KEEP OUT'?

Naruto: The setup round here changes every week. Have you noticed that sometimes Sasuke is a bratty teen and others he's a sensible yet unfortunate victim?

Sakura: You know, I hadn't noticed.

Naruto: That's what the blog writer is hoping for.

Team members: Naruto, Kiba, Shino and Hinata
Number of kage bunshin no jutsus: 0!
Number of rasengans: 0!
Next week: Same as this week: more bees that don’t look like bees to go with more honey that doesn't look like honey.

148. Even Akamaru is Jealous of His Searching Ability! Search for the Rare Bikouchuu!

2009-09-14T20:47:00.003+01:00

Worth watching as a manga-standard episode? This arc is not as bad as some. That said, it's not great either.
Worth watching for the lulz? Quick Sailor Mercury, take off your clothes to defeat this villain!

Dave: Last night I sat bolt upright in bed when I realised we never delve into the deep and complicated feelings of Akamaru.

Filler writer 1: Canine angst, the fans'll be screaming for it.

Dave: What motivates him? How can we tear him apart? Break him down to his core values?

Filler writer 3: Dogs track, right? How about we introduce an animal character with a better sense of smell?

Dave: Done! Ok, give me an animal.

Filler writer 2: How about [Mumble mumble]

Filler writer 3: For god's sake.

Dave: What is it, Number 2?

Filler writer 2: How about an insect that looks like a helmet beetle, because when the sunlight catches its back, that perfect sparkle of black infused with a hint of blue matches Dave's hair-

Dave: Beetle, got it. Team?

Filler writer 1: 10. No, 8.

Dave: Ok, Team 8 it is. Come on now, ten minutes 'til lunch, ten minutes in which to plot something deep and meaningful for Tonton.

Filler writer 3: Akamaru.

Dave: Whatever.

Filler writer 1: Or we could just cover Hinata in honey and have her kind of struggling in it for a few episodes.

Dave: I like it! Good work team, now let's go have Mexican.

For reasons known only to Dave, this episode was included as a two part special with the former, so there was the fighty end of an arc and then the awkward beginning of another. Good grief, there's actually some continuation as Team 8 visit Kurenai in the hospital after her prison scrap. Shino and Kiba are teasing Hinata about how she fainted at the sight of Naruto. She steps into the room, only for the much iconed not-quite-a-Spiderman-kiss-moment to occur. I love how she simply doesn't faint, but screams and headbutts him – I like to think the Hyuuga clan instilled her with anti-rape training. She passes out and when she comes to, Naruto is having a big bitch at Tsunade as to why he can't go off and find Sasuke. Someone give the boy a script.

Hinata wants to help him, so Shino comes up with the idea of bugs. Which makes more sense than, say, Ino suggesting it. They come up with the plan to find a Special Bug that, if exposed to Sasuke's scent when the egg hatches, will hunt him down and hopefully lay some bug vengeance on him because that would be interesting to watch. Luckily for everyone, despite it being a rare bug, it is the current breeding and hatching season. Go Team Jackets and Naruto, go!

Hinata is a girl and therefore must follow the theme that she feels like she gets in her team's way and holds them back. While it's true she’s not as strong as her teammates, at the same time you don't see Chouji with a storyline about him feeling despondent. Unfortunately you do see a storyline about him and cooking ninja, but that's a long way off. Elsewhere, Sakura has progressed from fish to bunnies and Tsunade asks her why she didn't go too. She mentally responds that, although it's difficult, she knows she has to sit this one out and continue in her training to get better, which would sound a lot more impressive if it wasn't simply a plot reasoning that this is Hinata’s turn to feel useless since Sakura just had hers.

And we come to the famous porn scene. Hinata gets up in the middle of the night to train, using water to help her movements, fine I guess that makes sense, which she must do naked, which makes...less sense.

Naruto of course doesn't recognise her despite it being painfully obvious it's Hinata and thousands of teenage boys cry out why does the scene end there they were almost finished. More male fanservice as Naruto eats some bad fruit and gets the shits, because poo is always hilarious.

[After a successful night of training.]

Hinata: I think I'm starting to get it! If I carry on like this, improving little by little in secret, then maybe I really can master this new jutsu and make Naruto-kun notice me!

[There's a sudden gust of wind and the sound of blades as Neji lands in a Hyuuga helicopter to point a finger squarely in his cousin's face.]

Neji: HINATA! STOP GAINING CONFIDENCE!

Hinata: Y-Yes, nii-san...

Neji: God it's good to be Neji.

Team members: Naruto, Kiba, Shino and Hinata
Number of kage bunshin no jutsus: 0!
Number of rasengans: 0!
Next week: The Bee Clan spent 10 days looking for this bug. Naruto and co only take 20 mins, but it'll sure feel like 10 days!

147. Confrontation of Fate! You Will Not Defeat Me

2009-08-29T16:18:00.005+01:00

Worth watching as a manga-standard episode? I am just not going to answer this.
Worth watching for the lulz? Jesus Christ, this episode.

This is how we left our boy Mizuki last week: with a fat foot.

Having inexplicably needed a potion to activate the cursed seal, he does some mighty morphing into a freak. Naruto simply runs at him and rightfully gets punched in the face. Tsubaki does some pleading and ends up with her and Iruka taking a hit. That's her out for the rest of the fight. Mizuki's curse seal release seems to have given him the ability to speak the mind of the audience as Naruto kage bunshins it up:

Naruto gets his ass handed to him in the fight and only after Mizuki stomps on his ribcage does Iruka call out "Don't lay a finger on him!" Then he reaches for his- oh god not the kunai again, I can't take it, and no a couple of shuriken are not enough to distract me from the monotonous tones of clinking metal. Mizuki gets him in a headlock and threatens to 'kill his fate', which is rather badass of him, and reveals he is after the ultimate body. Look, someone has already been down this dark, predator-themed path before, and it didn't turn out so well for him either if recent come-back ratings are anything to go by.

There's a nice nod to the beginning of the series, in keeping with the fact that Naruto has about three scenes and then uses them again and again in what are known as 'cycles' rather than 'limited ideas'.

And then. Well. Look away now? ~~Awkward matchup only adds to the horror.~~

WHY IS IT STARING STRAIGHT INTO MY SOUL?! WHY DOES IT WANT TO SELL ME FROSTED CEREAL?!

It's like when you type a perfecting innocent phrase like 'toaster' into Deviantart and you get this result where a muscled tiger with blue hair is making toast because it thinks it's people.

Let's go elsewhere, anywhere – Team 10 will do nicely. They've been holding the Stupid Brothers for about two episodes now, so naturally they're tired. They break their hold and are about to get squished when... Tsunade appears! I very much like seeing the Hokage get off her arse to go and do something. It seems that once you become the strongest ninja in the village, you are immediately not allowed to go out on the field and do anything helpful. Though she might just be nervous considering the times previous Hokages have done this – Sandaime and Yondaime respectively – it didn't go so well. She finger flicks Fuujin and Raijin and they run back to prison like good little super strong freaks.

Naruto's still getting punched about, which he generally dislikes. He tells Mizuki he's fucking off because he's been distracted by a shiny thing. Mizuki decides this is not grrrrrrrreat and chases after him. Iruka has set up some exploding tags, which he detonates, calling it the 'sealed bombs' technique. This does absolutely nothing – the bombs don't even go off – and Naruto rasengans him as he has done many, many times before. Now, what does god do to furries?

He zombifies them apparently. He no longer has the eye of the tiger or incidentally the thrill of the fight as Tsunade turns up and explains Orochimaru never meant to make him powerful and he was just in it for the lulz. It is mentioned several times that, thankfully, Mizuki can no longer be a shinobi and has presumably been taken away to yiff in hell. The episode ends on a charming, animal-themed note as Sakura comes running up to say she brought Tsunade's fish back to life so they don't have to flush it down the toilet.

[Let me take you to a place where time flows differently, where pedestals have been inexplicably installed under floorboards, where Hello Kitty toe-nail clippers come in five different colours.

This is the Fangirl Zone.]

Renge: Ohohohohohohohohoho! Order! Order! The next meeting of the Fanservice And Gayness Society has begun! What were the writers thinking? If they made a collectible figurine of tiger!Mizuki, I would smash one on the floor in disgust! And then display the one I'd bought for my collection and the one I'd bought to keep in the box and maybe rough up the one for play a little, depending on my mood.

Misa: Misa liked the big kitty because it went against society's norms and was blue. Misa thinks he would look attractive pretending to be a 12 year old Victorian girl.

Renge: Word of the week: furries. Misa, make sure you underline it. There was so much potential for an adorable neko-boy, it makes my heart ache thinking about what could have been. Unlike the pairing of SasuNaru, which is clearly where the manga is heading.

Tyra Banks: [From behind the door with a 'DANGER' sign on it.]
It's obviously NaruSasu!

Renge: Shut the fuck up, Tyra!

Everyone: ...

Renge: Where's Sasuke? He can settle this for us.

Mikuru: R-Renge-san, please don't be angry, but Uchiha-san cut off his own foot to escape.

Renge: Some people are so rude! Well don't just stand there, go eBay it already! Yaoi doujins don't pay for themselves!

Mikuru: Right away!

Renge: What about his handsome aniki?

Mikuru: Sorry, did you just...em.

Renge: What?

Mikuru: It's nothing. Just that you were speaking in English and then you suddenly used a Japanese word.

Renge: What do you mean I was speaking in English – we're all Japanese.

Mikuru: Yes, but if we spoke in Japanese 95% of fandom would not be able to understand us. Yet there is great protestation over dubbed anime, I have been told!

Misa: Misa has seen plenty of wank!

Renge: Right... Itachi, where is Itachi?

Mikuru: I have been looking after a crow for the last two days thinking it was Uchiha-san using a ninja technique, but now I am quite sure it is just a crow.

Renge: So we've lost both our Uchihas. This is disastrous. Almost as bad as the ending to this arc!

Misa: Misa thinks that cyclical comment was not contrived at all!

Team members: Naruto and Iruka
Number of kage bunshin no jutsus: 2 (inc. 1 off-screen)
Number of rasengans: 1
Number of bowls of Frosties I have eaten as a result of this episode: 0. Give me Rice Krispies or give me death.
Next week: This anime is for porn, this anime is for porn. That is why Naruto was born, for porn, porn, porn. And bugs.

146. Abandoned Dreams. The Shadow of Orochimaru

2009-08-05T13:41:00.004+01:00

Worth watching as a manga-standard episode? Canon? What is this?
Worth watching for the lulz? Be patient, my child.

Note: Another note, how delightful. ETA no updates for a fortnight at least as I move house and try and find internet in the middle of nowhere. To make up for my absence, have a buttcone <3

There's a big hole in the ground that has inexplicably turned the sky red. Naruto hastily looks for Iruka. Hmm, where could Iruka be? Oh there he is, under a rock. Screw your Tobito and Danzobito theories – Iruka has been Obito all along! It makes perfect sense in a way it doesn't at all. Tsubaki steps forward and, as Pakkun insinuates she's Iruka's girlfriend, thousands of fangirls appear on the horizon with flaming pitchforks (they're the kind of mob that like to save time with their rioting). But, since Iruka emphasises she's not his girlfriend, the fangirls disappear into the abyss, back to stalking Sasuke. They do a much better job than Naruto, though the obsession level is about equal. Where was I. So Iruka is a sexist git and won't let Tsubaki come with them because she hasn't finished the dishes. She promises to do them later and he relents.

Mizuki breaks into the Nara clan's medical hut, where two guys are discussing white cells. It's a laugh a minute in that clan – don't start them on deer, your sides will literally split. He knocks them out and activates the Dark Mark.

There is a stuffed tiger, which is horrible, horrible foreshadowing and by the glance Mizuki gives it, he's probably considering whether he has time to hump it.

He grabs some ingredients and makes his getaway. Also TIGER:

Mizuki: So, hey, how's it hanging?

Tiger: Excuse me?

Mizuki: Oh how rude of me, I'm Mizuki. I just noticed you under the table there and thought I'd come say hi.

Tiger: Hi.

Mizuki: What's your name?

Tiger: Well I'm just a stuffed prop, so I don't actually have a name. It wasn't important to the script.

Mizuki: That's terrible, you should talk to someone about that.

Tiger: Yeah, I don't really care.

Mizuki: That sounds like discrimination. You got an agent? I have a number on me somewhere...

Tiger: No, honestly, it isn't a big deal.

Mizuki: So what's it like living in this hut? They use you in experiments?

Tiger: Like I said, stuffed, so...no.

Mizuki: Ahh decoration. You're very good looking, I can understand why they keep you around.

Tiger: ...Thanks.

Mizuki: So-

Tiger: I'm going to be honest, I'm not feeling comfortable with the way you're looking at me-

Mizuki: I'm not trying-

Tiger: Please could I finish? -at me and I think it would be best for both of us if you left now.

Mizuki: Seriously?

Tiger: Yes.

Mizuki: You're trapped in this hut since you, you know, can't move – no offence.

Tiger: None taken.

Mizuki: And you don't want to even talk to me?

Tiger: As I said, I just don't feel comfortable with the situation, sorry.

Muzuki: Cos that can really knock a guy's confidence.

Tiger: It's nothing personal.

Mizuki: See I can't help but take it personally. [Puts a hand to his forehead and sighs.] This sort of thing always happens to me. I leave myself open to this kind of rejection and it just-

Tiger: I'm sorry to hear that.

Mizuki: It just hurts, you know?

Tiger: Happens to the best of us. My girlfriend and I didn't split up long ago, so I know what it's like.

Mizuki: Oh? That sucks. Women are bitches.

Tiger: It was an amicable break up. And we still see each other from time to time. I mean, she's mounted on that wall over there.

Mizuki: That's the thing about a relationship ending, they crowd you when you want space to think, and when you need- [Descends into sobs.] when you need them, they fucking abandon you and before you know it he's been round the block so fast he got a fucking speeding ticket. Screw him. Screw him, I don’t need him. [Takes a deep breath.] Thanks for listening, I appreciate it.

Tiger: No problem.

Mizuki: I feel that we really connected. Can I call you sometime, just to talk?

Tiger: No, I still think it's better you didn't.

Tsunade is given word of the break in by Tonbo. He's the guy with the bandaged head and seems to have fans despite getting about five seconds of screentime. Not surprising really, there's probably a fansite for Mr Ukki and he's a fucking plant. Tsubaki, whose fringe was cut with pinking shears, emos over Hidan's long lost brother while Tsunade works out what he's up to. It's all very stormy and atmospheric and for some reason her office is twice as large as normal.

Flashback to the exact same teammate murdering from last episode (not that I don't feel bad for the guy, but let's face it, more than once and his death becomes boring) and then to a bit before the series start, where Mizuki meets up with Orochimaru, who tells him he's got moxy. He gives him the curse mark, saving the most erotic placing for Sasuke of course since Mizuki is old and past it by Oro's standards. It doesn't turn into the little commas we know and love, but a big skull. I'm not sure why, other than for badassery, but let's pretend it's integral to the core of Mizuki's being.

In the present, he approaches a cave (screenshot because I like how the composition is like an eye. Good grief I like something!):

calls out "lumos!", which you should recall is a joke I've already used, and finds his secret cave laboratory, where he gets to work playing with his stolen ingredients. Now I can think of several people with the curse mark and none of them had to do anything special to activate it. Just survive pretty much. But that wouldn't have stretched the arc to fill six eps, so out the window established canon goes. Releasing the gates to the coloured liquids so they'll mix, with their powers combined he becomes...oh god this is it. Do not read the next review.

Team members: Naruto and Iruka
Number of kage bunshin no jutsus: 0!
Number of rasengans: 0!
Next week: Seriously, don't.

145. Explosion! New Formation Ino-Shika-Chou

2009-07-29T15:32:00.004+01:00

Another Quick Note: As I probably should have done in the first place, and not let myself be lured by the shiny officialness of having a blog on blogger.com, a site that is clearly devoted to blogging, there is now a twin comm for Surprisingly Penetrable on Livejournal: http://community.livejournal.com/naruto_fillers/ where the same content will be posted once a day until it catches up with this one. Since I have a feeling more people use that site, I may enter the heady heights of double digit followers! Hey, a girl can dream. Next week: no more notes, rejoice!

Worth watching as a manga-standard episode? Although I complain about it, I do like that we get some Iruka and Mizuki flashbacks. Even if Mizuki's character does get raped repeatedly by this plot.
Worth watching for the lulz? Yaoi lol.

This episode sets up the reason behind the formation of the teams. Team 10 is for enemy restraint, Team 8 is tracking, Team 7 is for maximum angst and Team Gai is for lulz.

[Team 10 are discussing tactics.]

Chouji: I say we fight these guys.

Ino: Why?

Chouji: Because they hit Asuma-sensei and gave him a bump on the head that was so bad it needed a bandage. And some aspirin!

Ino: Those bastards!

Shikamaru: That's right. They are our sworn enemies because they hurt our sensei. We better make it good because we'll probably never have an epic fight to the finish in a sensei-revenge-fuelled rage.

Chouji & Ino: Ok!

Back in the ultimate chuunin showdown, Mizuki captures Iruka in a genjutsu and then tries to get a puppet to stab him, but it fails. Iruka goes on about what an advanced technique this is, but considering Iruka defeated it in like one move, I find myself less impressed. Mizuki leads him to where they took their Academy teaching exam and why do they keep having the same conversation in different locations. Mizuki asks him how his technique was and all Iruka can do is glare because he's fed up of everyone thinking he's a teacher 24/7. Sometimes he likes to go wild. Usually Saturday so he can go to bed early Sunday for the new school week.

Flashback to Mizuki out on the battlefield. When a teammate gets shot in the leg, he overreacts just a little and decides the bloke has to die. "No one in the village would acknowledge me!" he emos. MAYBE IF YOU DIDN'T FREAKING KILL YOUR TEAMMATES, THEN THEY MIGHT LIKE YOU. Whatever kind of answer he's looking for, Iruka's "try being a good guy" isn't it and we flashback to Iruka passing the teaching exam and Mizuki not because he's a freaky murdering bastard. Have a Kin-twin shot:

Meanwhile, Chouji decides all they need to do is hug it out:

Ino mind-rapes one of the brothers and tries to use him to fight the other, but unfortunately Shikamaru forgot to factor in that her ability is shit. He uses his molestation no jutsu to try and strangle them. Ino tries again with, good god, a new technique. It seems as if it takes out the pesky factor of the pain she causes affecting her own body – which raises the question why she doesn't just use this all the time – confusing her opponent into attacking his comrade. As Ino and Shikamaru feel they can't hold them any longer, Chouji turns up the heat. In the battle dome, we're back to the joy of kunai fighting. Mizuki says he enjoyed prison and considering the amount of times he’s said he wants to play with Iruka, I bet he did. I am not making up the homosexual waves coming off this guy – exhibits A and B:

Naruto approaches the building and we see that, el gaspo, Mizuki's girlfriend has followed him. Iruka uses his vague ninja senses to find that Mizuki has set up a load of exploding tags and as Naruto gets close, the building blows up.

It's like 24, except in no way whatsoever.

Team members: Iruka, Shikamaru, Ino and Chouji (no Naruto!!1)
Number of kage bunshin no jutsus: 0!
Number of rasengans: 0!
Next week: SPOILER: OROCHIMARU IS A BAD MAN.

144. A New Squad! Two People and a Dog?!

2009-07-19T18:35:00.003+01:00

Worth watching as a manga-standard episode? Some backstory for Iruka-sensei.
Worth watching for the lulz? No, no, come on, be fair, this arc is trying to be serious. *Snort*

Iruka and Mizuki are still holding that damn kunai to kunai pose. Seeing that punching Fuujin and Raijin didn't work, Naruto, naturally, does the exact same thing again. Iruka tries to get through to Mizuki, but all he can babble about is obtaining power. I don't think he even knows what he's going to do with it when he gets it. Mizuki runs off in a game of tag and everyone follows. Iruka steals Kakashi's line as his own (looking underneath the underneath) and Mizuki complains it's his, resulting in a battle of plagiarism. Though not quite as fierce as one over tracing on Deviantart.

Pakkun calls it as he sees it.

Naruto pouts because it isn't him fighting the main bad guy for once, but can't get this into the thick skulls of the Stupid Brothers. He is about to rasengan them (because when isn't he?) but one steps on their lunch, ruining it. They then get as wild and terrifying as a group of cosplayers screaming for bento at Otakon.

Dear god chuunin battles are boring. There's safety in making stabby every ten minutes with a kunai and never deviating from this, it seems. A flashback is welcome for a change, as we go to bitty Iruka and Mizuki. Iruka shouts that he isn't upset about his parents dying and that to die during combat for the village is an honour. Sandaime sees through this, possibly because Iruka has tears streaming down his face. Mizuki appears from a bush and they run off to play together, holding hands. This gets turned on its head, however, as Mizuki reveals that his bush perving was surprisingly not innocent! He has always hated Iruka and his stupid ponytail! The rapidly dying flame of hope for three-dimensional characterisation is getting pissed on. He's all evil, all the time.

One of the interchangeable brothers decides to address the crotch of the other:

and it ends on a high note with the 'we r awesum n pwn ur faise' Team 10 coming to save the day maybe.

[Naruto is currently fighting the Stupid Brothers (I'm not making that name up by the way, that is how they're referred to in the show. Yeah.) but there was a time when he wasn't! Let's go to that time!]

Naruto: Sakura-chan! I'm going to go all out at training today, want to come watch?

Sakura: You say that every day. I can't, I have training myself with Tsunade-shishou.

Naruto: If Sakura-chan chooses women over men, does that mean she's a lesbian?

Sakura: NA-RU-TO! [I said oops upside your head, I said oops up upside your head.]

[Suddenly there is the strange yet distinct sound of laughter. Very false and badly recorded laughter.]

Naruto: W-what was that?

[Sai appears.]

Sai: Hello Sakura-san and Naruto-kun.

Sakura: ...have we met?

Sai: Oh that's right, for me to appear now is an anachronism. [Looks round.] Well, I can't say I feel any different appearing in Naruto and not just Naruto Shippuuden.

Naruto: What's this guy talking about?

Sai: I see I should formally introduce myself as is the social ceremony I have read about in books. My name is Sai. I am an artist. I also have the power to break the fourth wall.

Naruto: The what?

Sai: It is a term derived from the theatre, meaning a character addresses the audience or makes references to the fictional status of the sketch.

Sakura: But this isn't a sketch – this is our lives.

Sai: That is what you believe.

Naruto: So you're here to give us an epiphany about the truth as to the level of predestination in our lives and show us we can create our own fate through following our own beliefs and impulses rather than going along with present traditions and values imposed upon us by a distant god-like figure we are taught to believe in without question.

[Sakura stares at him.]

Naruto: You know, I do have other friends than you.

Sakura: Just because you fought Neji in the chuunin exams-

Naruto: Like that would count! Nah, we go for beers every Thursday.

Sakura: That doesn't count? But in the Forest of Death I had a showdown with Tenten-

Sai: Which was never publicised because she's too minor a character.

Sakura: -I thought that meant we were best friends!

Naruto: I'm pretty sure Tenten hates you.

Sakura: I won't cry, I won't cry.

Sai: [Clicks his fingers and an audience's sympathetic 'awwwww' sound can be heard.] I'm afraid I can't say much about that. I'm mostly here to make jokes about your penis.

Naruto: My Dodgedick Sense™ is tingling. If you try and grab it, I'll kancho you to hell, you Sasuke-wannabe!

Sai: Yes, I've read Gaijin Smash too.

Naruto: Eh?

[Elsewhere.]

Orochimaru: No, no, no, no, no! It's step, pause, turn, pause, hand seal, step, step! Not step, pause, turn, pause, hand seal, step, pause! [Slaps him.]

Sasuke: [Grits teeth.] Still. Better then. Being in the. Fillers.

Sai: That was a reference to the American hit tv show The Simpsons.

Sasuke: Who the hell are you?

Orochimaru: And how did you get in here?!

Kabuto: I knew it was a bad idea spending all our resources only strengthening walls one to three.

Team members: Naruto and Iruka
Number of kage bunshin no jutsus: 2 (plus some continued bunshin action from the previous episode)
Number of rasengans: 1
Next week: "Shut up and watch, Ino." Misogyny at its finest.

143. Run Tonton! I'm Depending on Your Nose!

2009-07-12T14:34:00.005+01:00

Quick note: I've been lagging on updates, but it's traditional and endearing for the blogger not to update on time...right? At least I can promise I won't be abandoning this. I've had some really nice comments that I appreciate, thanks guys, and please do keep checking back <3 Now, let us immerse ourselves again in the madness, like a baptism of retardation.

Worth watching as a manga-standard episode? This went downhill quickly.
Worth watching for the lulz? Naruto has suddenly descended into Dallas territory.

The medical team arrive to fix the trampled jounins and chuunins and no one bats an eye that Naruto is standing there in the middle of it. Maybe Kakashi had a word with the village and the whole kyuubi hatred thing was forgotten...

[Kakashi has assembled the village.]

Kakashi: Listen up, everyone, I have an important announcement to make.

Villager 1: Is he going to take off his mask?

Villager 2: Why does everyone care about that anyway? If it turns out half his face has been ripped off on account of all the ANBU missions he did, it's just going to ruin your masturbation sessions.

Villager 1: Fuck off, Craig.

Villager 2: You thought I didn't know about those? Six years of marriage – six years of sexless marriage, as I'm sure I don't need to remind you, dear – and I know all your little secrets, Charlene.

Villager 1: Thanks, thanks a lot, airing our dirty laundry out in public where-

Kakashi: Guys? Yeah, shut up. As I was saying, I have passed Team 7 and will be training them from now on. I know some of you are concerned about Naruto, because he hangs about on that swing set like a pedo in training, but I have something to say that I'm sure will settle the matter. [Clears throat.] He's awiiiight.

Villager 2: ...he's what?

Kakashi: He's awiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiight.

Villager 1: I can't- Is this one of those meme things I don't understand? ...Is that the Fonz pose he's making?

Villager 2: Beats me. Hey, why were we supposed to ostracise the 12 year old blond orphan again?

Villager 1: I have no idea. All I know is that I am not physically attracted to you and will never have the urge to have sex with you again.

Villager 2: Goddamn it!

Shizune has donned her vest/jacket thing because it's srs fckn bsns time. Fuujin and Raijin appear to menace her team, while Mizuki, a chuunin, sneaks up on Shizune, a jounin. I suppose you'd lose your touch too if you had to spend your youth relentlessly cleaning up the vomit of your alcoholic sort-of aunt, who bet your milk money on a horse named Kawaii Glue and spends her evenings rolling around in used lottery tickets. Elsewhere, Asuma and Kurenai are recovering in hospital and Naruto is sticking his nose in as usual because the buzz-word 'Orochimaru', and by extension 'Sasuke', has been used. Tsunade tells him to shut the hell up about Sasuke for once and then Tonton comes running up, presumably oinking that Shizune has fallen down the old abandoned mineshaft. They run off with Tonton sniffing the way. We're treated to a shot of Mizuki in some 80s throw-back top:

and find he has a dark haired, shy, past lover named Tsubaki:

Dave: Screw the bastards who had me sacked from Days of Our Lives! I'll show them all, right here and now, in this anime about ninjas or something!

Filler writer 2: You look so masterful when you get angry, Dave.

And so Mizuki is shown to be a manipulative bastard, while Tsubaki has to struggle with her feelings versus doing what is right. He stands and practises his crazy villain's laugh and she pleads with him to not turn into a tiger. Well, I'm paraphrasing. She watches him change facial expressions from this:

to this:

and somehow still continues to take him seriously.

Then Kakashi and Iruka are in the same room together since approximately 100 episodes ago. Fangirl Goggles™ turn this casual conversation into something much more: Kakashi summons Pakkun, taking Iruka's hand in a tender way, a way that says that so what if they've only had two minutes of screen-time together, it was enough for them to look in each other's eyes, amid the shouting and insults, and see true passion and homosexual lust.

Kakashi then fucks off so Iruka can do more work. If this were any other episode, Kakashi would take on the fight because he is more popular, but we have already established the fetish of the writers.

Fuujin and Raijin join in the fashion du jour, unfortunately, and Mizuki decides he's going to be all one-dimensional about chasing after power and using his ex. Fine, be that way – you're just a filler, baby, I was never that into you anyway. Naruto and Iruka catch up to Shizune, but after leading them to a rocky ground since I'm guessing rocks are easier to draw then trees, it is revealed it was a henged Mizuki. The Stupid Brothers pummel Naruto while Iruka and Mizuki get down to some good old rival action. Naruto laments the situation, then comes up with the burn of the century: "Looks like they're a few noodles short of a ramen bowl." How are the writers going to top this?

Team members: Naruto and Iruka
Number of kage bunshin no jutsus: 1
Number of rasengans: 0!
Next week: Tigers, that's how.

142. The Evil Trio of the High Security Prison

2009-06-24T14:36:00.003+01:00

Worth watching as a manga-standard episode? Wow the fillers are really looking up, that scene was actually- oh wait, a chunk of manga content. You sneaky filler, you!
Worth watching for the lulz? We have not descended into lulz. Not yet.

Dave: You know what this story doesn't have enough of?

Filler writer 2: Yaoi?

Everyone: Hahahaha.

Filler writer 3: Oh Number 2.

Dave: But seriously – rivals!

Filler writer 1: Wow, you're right! I don't think we've had a rival showdown for a whole episode.

Dave: I can visualise it now: someone who looks like Shikamaru against a guy we already have a character design and established personality for, so we can throw in plenty of flashbacks that the fans love so much.

Everyone: Hmmm...

Where should I begin to tell the story of a boy who makes an interesting hand gesture, because now he can begin training. There's a nice revisit to the characters in the aftermath of the Sasuke Retrieval arc. Lee is looking pretty damn buff:

And Tenten approves – this is a look of pure fangirlism:

Here, Temari inspires Moegi to become a kunoichi (non-canon so it shouldn't matter, but if she's at the Academy, doesn't that mean she already wants to be one?) Anyway, Temari gives Shikamaru a sidelong glance as she leaves and he goes home to jerk off.

Naruto appears to have 'DNA' written above his door, possibly in the hope someone will get him tested for the Yondaime gene.

Jiraiya begins his epic 'dodging Naruto so the fillers of punishment may occur and one day someone will write a blog about them' and Naruto, like any teenage boy, locks himself in the bathroom. Elsewhere, Shizune redundantly explains to Tsunade what a prison for bad shinobi is and we see that ninja do not believe in moats of water – it's lava or nothing, baby. Which is right, because they're fucking ninja. Now, I am all for expanding the world of Naruto and exploring minor character backgrounds but this arc. This arc. Mizuki did not deserve this; not even trying to kill the main character deserves this. For Mizuki resides in this prison, along with two brothers with the freakiest mouths I have ever seen.

Izumo saves Kotetsu's ass as the Fuujin-Raijin brothers escape, but, not being the sharpest kunai in the arsenal, only wander around menacingly for food. I'm not going to question Kotetsu and Izumo working at a prison because they are Tsunade's bitches and she pretty much has them doing every other random job anyway. It is suggested that Mizuki getting Naruto to steal the forbidden scroll at the beginning of the manga was part of a bigger conspiracy involving Orochimaru. Fine, I'm buying this so far. Asuma and Kurenai are sent to interrogate him and back at the prison we see Mizuki has enlisted the help of the aesthetically offensive brothers. Mizuki refers to them as 'cute boys', suggesting he has succumb to what every man experiences in prison – that's right, prison blindness. I remember liking this episode for the minimal amount of Asuma/Kurenai interaction, which there is so little of overall. I think Kishi skips over the het in a giddy eagerness to get to the ~~homoerotic undertones~~ fight scenes. They reach the prison and a nice cover-all for any following OOC-ness is established:

So there we are. Naruto follows without any back up because why stop for some common sense when this is about Orochimaru?! Sasuke could be right there- except he isn't and he finds Asuma and Kurenai have been pwned by the prison rebellion.

Team members: No mission this week
Number of kage bunshin no jutsus: 0!
Number of rasengans: 0!
Next week: Why the ripped denim vest should have stayed in the 80s.

141. Sakura's Determination

2009-06-10T20:08:00.004+01:00

Worth watching as a manga-standard episode? Might as well watch the end, even if parts will look distinctly familiar.
Worth watching for the lulz? Toeing the thin line between lulz and disgust, copious amounts of WTFery to feast on.

Arashi isn't getting any less creepy and Sakura gets to do what she's been waiting for ever since Naruto made lovey eyes at Nova, and that's punch her in the stomach. It looks like Naruto has been clamped and Sakura is about to be too when he saves her. How is he not dead, really:

"It's ok, Sakura, I like taking it from behind. If I was a seme, I'd be dead by now."

Sakura's medical opinion reaches the same conclusion, but Naruto insists it's just a flesh wound. He fights again but Sakura keeps crying about being a hindrance and in doing so is even more of a hindrance. Naruto is experiencing some freaky jutsus in this arc, as Arashi traps him inside a multi-coloured pyramid that makes him taste the rainbow of pain and will slowly constrict until it crushes him. It has to be slow, otherwise there wouldn't be time for Naruto to escape. While Sakura is chanting how there's nothing she can do, Nova runs up and defeats one of her cousins-in-a-cousin with a little stab of a kunai. If only someone had done that earlier! Arashi starts to melt and temporarily regains nice guy consciousness before Clamps takes over and tries to clamp Nova. Sakura jumps to her rescue and says she isn't afraid to die, so Arashi somehow thinks it's a good plan to open the clamps around her head and then just not do anything about it. Naruto reminds Sakura he isn't into necrophilia and would prefer her alive for their wedding, but Arashi isn't having any of it and sets the pyramid to crush mode again. Nova jumps up and slaps Arashi's hand – seriously, does this girl possess invisible super strength? – and the jutsu is broken, allowing Naruto to burst forth, severing Arashi from Clamps and returning him to his previous state of mind. He protects Nova from the flying shrapnel and we get that cousin on cousin action everyone's been waiting for:

Jiraiya appears and frogs them to safety, leaving Arashi to the joys of rock death as the castle collapses and his cousins wail about why he didn't share like a good redneck should. Jiraiya and co leave Nova with the remnants of her clan to rebuild without Orochimaru's influence. The annoying thing about the end of this arc is how Sakura repeats exactly what she already learned at the end of the last arc, down to the 'I will not fail next time' in the hospital scene. Jiraiya and Naruto basically lie to her to make her feel better. However, there is a nice link to show Tsunade taking Sakura on as a student and then Dave goes and over-does it on the emphasis that vitamin filler is essential to our lives:

You keep telling yourself that.

[In an undisclosed location. All that can be divulged is that the room is full of Hello Kitty products. We're talking Hello Kitty potato peelers and Hello Kitty shoe horns and Hello Kitty blackhead removers. It's enough to incapacitate a normal person through nausea.

This room is not filled with normal people.

For one is emerging out of the floor.]

Renge Houshakuji: Ohohohohohohohohoho! To my great delight and joy, it is my pleasure to introduce myself as your new leader, since the last one had an unfortunate accident.

Misa Amane: Misa saw Tyra Banks go behind that door and never come out again. Misa will find her-

[Renge intercepts her and stands covering the door.]

Renge: No one is to go through that door!

Misa: Why?

Renge: Because...anyone who goes in there gets told that gothlolis look horrific and awful and then they hit them with sticks!

Misa: Ooooh, Misa doesn't want to go in there!

Sasuke: Why is there a Hello Kitty spreader bar?! Whatever, why the hell am I here?

Renge: Because everything must include an Uchiha. Everything.

Sasuke: Then why didn't you kidnap Itachi?

Renge: We did. He's over there.

[Points to Itachi in a corner, quite happily browsing the various Hello Kitty sweet dispensers.]

Sasuke: Goddamnit, his one weakness!

Renge: Now where was I-

Mikuru Asahina: U-Uchiha-san, would you like some t-tea?

Sasuke: Why are you dressed like a maid?

Renge: Because it's moe!

Moe Szyslak: Is that why I'm here?

Renge: Get back under that blanket! We are very disappointed with you! As soon as this meeting is over, I will find the right authorities and complain to them about your false advertising!

Moe: Course the pretty girls wouldn't want to look at a gargoyle like me. Still, this isn't so bad, better than that time I stuck my head in the oven. Wait. The bar – there's no one there to stop Barney from getting to the new supply of Duff Max in the back! I'll be ruined!

Itachi: Is this Barney your mentor in a war against your family and your village, and because of them you lead a life of desolation and destruction as part of an evil organisation?

Moe: No.

Itachi: Then your problems are worthless.

Moe: ...I'll just be under this nice blanket.

Renge: Ahem. The meeting of the Fanservice And Gayness Society will now commence. Misa, be ready to keep the minutes!

Misa: Misa is secretary because of her good penmanship!

Sasuke: I have a sort of great uncle you would get on amazingly with. Half the time.

Renge: First point: there's no one here who would protest to the gentle love between two cousins. Why, I myself even have a shelf devoted to Uchihacest-

Sasuke: WHAT?!

Itachi: Hn?

Renge: -but it must be said, that subtle is not the way this society rolls! We want it hot and heavy or we want Kyoya's beautiful face on the screen for twenty-two minutes instead. So fail! Second point: the bad guys were unattractive! We want to swoon, to fall under the spell of an anti-hero who has been introduced to hair product! Not disgusting spider-men and creeps with- with-

Moe: [Muffled from under the blanket.] Clamps.

Renge: I didn't want to ship any of them with my OC! So fail again! Third point: the only time someone was topless was in the horrific finale! This does not make me feel titillated with desire:

Sasuke: Where did that projector come from? Look, if you let me go, I'll maximise the topless screentime. I will be the epitome of fanservice. Just release me, right now.

Mikuru: P-Please don’t get mad, Uchiha-san, but you will be here with us until Shippuuden. But I will make lots of tea! And-

[Sasuke has collapsed from despair.]

Renge: Well done, moe-blob! The Uchiha is suitably full of angst! Let's celebrate with some Hello Kitty-flavoured water.

Misa: I didn't know water could be kitty-flavoured.

Itachi: I made it by mangekyoing several cats.

Misa: Yay!

[Also in an undisclosed location.]

Dave: Congratulations, men! The first arc is done and dusted and let me just say: it is beautiful. Your hard work, dedication and willingness to order extra prawn crackers when needed was what got us through this. I look forward to many more arcs, each as high in quality as the last! Give yourselves a pat on the back.

Filler writer 2: I can't reach. W-Would you pat my back?

Dave: It's just a figure of speech, Number 2. ...but what the hell, come here!

Filler writer 2: Best. Arc. Ever.

Team members: Naruto, Sakura and Jiraiya
Number of kage bunshin no jutsus: 1
Number of rasengans: 0!
Next week: A new arc including lava, pigs, denim, chuunins and a scratch-your-eyes-out-in-horror finale. Look forward to it!

140. Two Beats. Kabuto's Trap

2009-06-02T21:04:00.008+01:00

Worth watching as a manga-standard episode? Impressive fighting - the reason we watch a show about ninjas and only 4 episodes 'til we got to it!
Worth watching for the lulz? Forget lulz, this ep should come with some kind of rating.

Sakura is still frightened, but summons the strength to ask about Sasuke. Orochimaru leaves to go powder his nose, while Kabuto informs her Sasuke couldn't handle the curse seal and is now dead. This lie, it is so blatant. Sakura has some random flashbacks, including everyone's favourite 'Shikamaru is a Sasuke fanboy' scene:

Speaking of the Pouting Wonder...

[Having recently arrived in his new home, Sasuke is getting settled in. Meanwhile, Orochimaru and Kabuto are relaxing in the front cave – not the cave that's to be kept nice for family meals, the cave where you can sit and watch tv and it's not as big a deal if someone knocks a drink over.]

Kabuto: Here's the popcorn, Orochimaru-sama, all ready for Movie Night. I've got Dirty Dancing and The Rocky Horror Picture Show, which are you in the mood for?

Orochimaru: As if you need to ask.

Kabuto: Rocky Horror it is. Now where's the remote...

Orochimaru: You have invited Sasuke-kun, I presume?

Kabuto: He was unpacking last time I checked and I didn't want to disturb him-

[Sasuke appears.]

Sasuke: Well, it's a shithole. But at least I can hide out from the fillers in here.

Orochimaru: Sasuke-kun! How delightful you decided to join us. One of the many customs I'm sure you'll get used to is that Tuesdays are Movie Night. And on Fridays we sacrifice virgins to the God of Death via volcano. I do so loathe how blood stains an altar.

Kabuto: We tried sacrificing Tayuya, but the lava spat her back out.

Sasuke: Whatever. Move over, Specs, I got my new Dawson's Creek boxset in the mail today and nothing is coming between us.

Kabuto: Specs?

Orochimaru: Nicknames already! I knew you both would get along. Now let's just hope Sasuke-kun doesn't die like the last one. What was his name?

Kabuto: Kimimaro.

Orochimaru: That was it. Thanks, Specs.

Kabuto: O-Orochimaru-sama!

Sasuke: Shut up, Dawson's monologuing!

Kabuto: He'll do that for the whole fucking episode, it's not like you're missing anything.

Sasuke: Orochimaruuuuu, I can't hear the angsting!

Orochimaru: Let us not anger our new protégé.

Kabuto: Can't it at least be The OC and somewhat up to date?

Sasuke: Look, Konoha is painfully behind the times. It's one of the reasons I left. Thanks to them, I'm still into shag bands, platform shoes and acid.

Orochimaru: I'm not sure that's appro-

Sasuke: And being shirtless.

Orochimaru: Delightful! Kabuto, pass Sasuke-kun the popcorn while he informs me about the complicated Dawson-Joey-Pacey love triangle.

Back to the marginally more believable filler, Kabuto throws a kunai on course for Sakura's face, which she seems happy to accept, when Naruto appears and deflects it. No remodelled nose for Sakura. He reminds her that Kabuto is the bad guy and might just think of using lying as a method of trying to win. I know it's hard to believe, but he really is that sneaky. Kabuto then performs what can only be described as a badass technique. This might be a good point to stop and wonder why Sakura wasn't trained in using medical jutsu to harm the opponent instead of just healing, but there we are. When Naruto rasengans his chest, he finds he can't move and Kabuto points out the chakra strings coming from his chest are connected to Kabuto's own heart's chakra circulatory system. He announces, in a loving manner, that their hearts are becoming one.

Currently there are 33 Kabuto/Naruto fics on FF.net and I am holding this episode personally accountable.

Sakura, who let's remember is being trained under the Hokage regarding medical matters, points out that if their hearts stop, Kabuto will die too. Kabuto then reaches inside himself and pulls out his own heart. People say this is a kids' show, why?!

Despite Kabuto pointing out the chakra strings can't be cut, Sakura tries cutting them with a kunai and then pulling them apart. I'm surprised she doesn't try biting them too. She's all out of ideas and Kabuto is getting down to some serious heart squeezing. Then Nova appears and gives Sakura a well timed charm to wrap around her kunai. It makes it glow yellow, cutting the threads and ensuring Naruto doesn't die, which would have rather put a scupper on future canon episodes. It turns out Nova had helped him and the frog escape from the corridors and the reason her charm worked is because the chakra strings are the Fuuma clan's most secret ninpou. Bitch say wha??

Naruto pulls off Kabuto's face and it turns out to be the Earth user who turned into a girl the episode before. He/she is still holding their heart in their hand and so dies. Naruto is coping well with the fact he just nearly died by heart squeezing and 'Orochimaru' appears, pulls off his face and look, it's Arashi, revealing this is all an elaborate ploy to get round the fact they are cousins and get some goddamn acceptance for their kinda incestuous love. Except there's suddenly more for her to love as he has absorbed her other cousins too and they've exploded out of his back.

Yeah.

Team members: Naruto and Sakura
Number of kage bunshin no jutsus: 1
Number of rasengans: 1
Next week: Get crushed like an Egyptian.

139. Fear! Orochimaru's Castle

2009-05-24T22:09:00.006+01:00

Worth watching as a manga-standard episode? Definitely better than the previous eps – worth a watch I say.
Worth watching for the lulz? No lulz of mockery, maybe even some real laughs (!)

Jiraiya explains he knew Nova was going to drug them because she referred to the bandits, who rejected Orochimaru's advances, as traitors. Then she tries to stab herself in the throat. This show is so cheerful. Naruto and Sakura ask to be punished in the place of Nova for being blinded by cousin-love, but Jiraiya says her only punishment is to lead them to Oro's hideout and then leave. Naruto and Sakura can't believe how noble he's being, so he adds his motivation might have been all the sweet, sweet prostitutes he got in the town and do they have any Zovirax because his balls are itching like crazy?

Nova takes them to the castle, which looks nothing like a castle, and 'leaves them', which I'm not buying for a second. Jiraiya summons Gamakichi and Sakura freaks out – why I'm not sure. She's seen Oro literally pull a snake out of his arse ~~I'm sure it just happened off-camera. You know he has a jutsu like that~~ and she picks this to be weirded out by. Anyway, the frog goes ahead to scout out the castle and they tentatively follow him inside. The path forks into three directions, where a guard stands outside. One door leads to safety, the other leads to a horrible death- Ok there is no guard, I just reminded myself of my favourite reaction to that riddle (which also involves a frog) and thought I'd share:

Imagine a much more visually pleasing embedded video here
There's some good old fashioned forehead protector adjustment for courage and then Jiraiya takes one path, Naruto and Sakura take another and Gamakichi takes the last. At the end of Jiraiya's path is a geisha who asks if he wants to 'come and check if she has a tail.' That's hot. Jiraiya praises the fact that romance isn't dead, while Naruto and Sakura set off some Indiana Jones-esque traps. For all that Sakura complains about him, he saves her arse twice, ending up stuck trying to narrowly avoid pit death. The geisha entertains Jiraiya for a while, then decides play time is over. She gets damn creepy:

and brings the house down, literally. Naruto uses kage bunshin no jutsu to try and rasengan his way out of the pit – how this was supposed to work I have no idea – but it doesn't, with the clones having their priorities straight:

But it's ok because a huge stream of water just exploded through the wall. Gamakichi must have met a wet end with his corridor and now Naruto has a fashionable frog hat to wear. Sakura, having gone on ahead at Naruto's request, calls out "lumos!":

and steps into a dark hallway lit by flickering candles. This is some atmospheric shit right here. A wild Kabuto appears and gets the bitch fight started good and proper with a burn on her being useless. The power of flashbacks makes Sakura cry because god knows we're all fed up of them, but maybe also because Orochimaru has appeared and he is, like, massive strong and she's probably going to die now.

The Ultimate Clan Quiz!!!

Wow, corridors and frogs, things sure are hotting up! It's another week until we find out more about the Fuuma, but right now you can find out which clan you belong to in this mega cool quiz omg!

1. Hell to the o! So introduce your clan already!

a) Your clan has family issues – and you solve it by killing each other.

b) Your clan has family issues – and you solve it by poking each other.

c) Your clan has family issues – and you solve it by fucking each other.

d) Your clan might have issues, if they were ever on screen.

2. What's your clan's fighting style?

a) Eye techniques are where it's at baby, makes for plenty of camera shots of sexy staring and brooding. Ten minutes of every episode sorted!

b) Eye techniques...omg those other guys totally stole your thing!

c) It's coming up in a future ep and you can bet your sweet ass it's plot driven!

d) Your clan can do stuff like control swarms of bugs (gross!) or supersize body parts – hey there big boy!

3. More importantly, what's your clan's fashion style?

a) Showing a bit more chest every wardrobe change. By the time you're thirty, you'll be naked!

b) Long luscious locks to hide the gross veiny thing your eyes do. Plus man-skirts never go out of fashion.

c) Clamps!

d) Tattoos are a quick and easy way from distinguishing yourselves from the other characters milling around in the background. From trendy triangles to sexy swirls, you can't go wrong. Unless they get infected. Oops!

4. Time to get down and dirty. A mean person did some bad things and now you're left with the job of reviving the clan. Oh no! What do you do?

a) Obviously your brother is to blame, what with the slaughtering and all. You spend a few years training, abandoning your village and hunting him down. You swear to revive the clan, which will mean impregnating a suitable female...one day. Maybe you'll destroy the village first. You minx!

b) Very few people in your clan have been killed, yay, but there's that whole dictatorship vibe going on. Time to branch out and think about reviving another clan that isn't as into BDSM.

c) Enlist the help of a stranger – someone who wears make up and plays with snakes can't be a bad person! And if you have to have sex with your relatives, who are you to argue?

d) Haha, as if something that interesting would happen to your clan!

5. Looking into the crystal ball, what do you think is the future of your clan?

a) You've got in the groove of killing off remaining clan members and you just can't stop. But calm down there cowgirl, people might think this will have to end in suicide and you'll get labelled emo. Be warned, the 'my lawn is so emo it cuts itself' t-shirt is no longer in vogue.

b) Love is in the air! It's time to shout your feelings from the rooftops, don't worry, it totally won't end badly!

c) Since there's only two episodes of screentime for your clan left, nothing bad could happen. Right?

d) Nothing!

Time to add up those scores!

Mostly A – You're a member of the Uchiha clan. You go on to dominate the manga like the sex kitten you are. Just don't give your body away to the first guy who makes eyes at you, remember you've got class and there are newer, more powerful bad guys you can sleep with for power. Go get 'em, girl!

Mostly B – You're in the Hyuuga clan. Repression and lack of self-esteem ain't got nothing on you. If you're not rolling your eyes at your sensei, you're crushing on the main character big time. But don't despair, lilac and orange look puketastic together anyway and don't knock the bowl cut 'til you've tried it. Hey, it worked for The Beatles and some of them aren't dead!

Mostly C – You're part of a filler clan. You get an arc about a boy who's really a girl and why you have to save your clan from this week's big bad. Then you're never heard of again. Sucks to be you!

Mostly D – You're from a minor canon clan. You're there to fill in the teams and aside from some info about fighting techniques, no one really cares what your deal is. But hey, at least you're not Tenten!

Team members: Naruto, Sakura and Jiraiya
Number of kage bunshin no jutsus: 1
Number of rasengans: 0!
Next week: Be still my beating heart.

138. A Pure Betrayal. Fleeting Wishes

2009-05-16T16:56:00.010+01:00

Worth watching as a manga-standard episode? Disturbing to know this is the beginning of déjà vu – crossdressing: the fillers like it a little too much.
Worth watching for the lulz? Fuuma: Japanese for WTF.

And so we begin:

Surprisingly, Naruto uses rasengan and scares the baddies off. Sakura accuses Jiraiya of being a pedophile in a light-hearted scene, bringing hilarity and whimsy to his serious, life-destroying crime. Then she has another Sasuke hallucination:

Really, someone should tell her there are pills for this kind of thing.

Stopping briefly for some grub, Nova makes tea for everyone with some added poison. Oh you sneaky filler girl.

I imagine Jiraiya is used to hosting this kind of party.

Clamps appears and wants to get down to some clamping. Nova is concerned as she didn't realise there was going to be quite so much clamping when she joined the Fuuma Clamping Gang of Clampers. She gets a bitch-slap to the face, with the clamps no less, and then ohoho it was all a set up. That's right, Team Good Guys is not actually dead! Honestly, the twists in this show. I think we're supposed to absolve Nova of her drugging people crime because she is so desperate to see her distantly related lover, but I'm more concerned about how Naruto accuses Clamps of forcing her to take part, who says it's the truth, there's a flashback and suddenly Naruto says "So you did trick Nova!" It is my belief the big reveal is going to be that Naruto was in charge of the flashbacks all along, possibly by uttering 'flashback no jutsu' or something equally original, and the kyuubi's chakra allows everyone to simultaneously experience a scene from the past, especially if they weren't there themselves. Or Dave was having problems with this script from the get-go, one or the other.

[Back when Nova first joined the outcasts.]

Nova: I will do anything to see Arashi-niichan!

Clamps: Anything? Think about what you’re committing to. As members of the Fuuma clan and servants to Orochimaru-sama, we will give you the harshest tasks, the most dangerous missions to prove you are dedicated to our clanly oath of incestuous-behaviour-that-is-technically-legal.

Spider Man: Next time we see Orochimaru-sama, we should ask him to help us take it to the next level and make closer family relationships legal!

Clamps: Great idea, I have a sister I find oddly attractive.

Spider Man: I totally want to make out with my mother!

Earth Guy: I like the girl who works behind the bar in Otogakure...

Clamps: The one with all the facial piercings?!

Spider Man: Dude, that's sick.

Nova: Er, my mission?

Clamps: Oh yeah. I shall ask again: will you do whatever it takes?

Nova: [Gulps] Yes. I will.

[Clamps hands her a leather pouch.]

Clamps: Under no circumstances are you to look inside. Take it to the very edge of the forest, being careful not to be intercepted by our enemies, where you will find a wooden shack. Inside is a wizened old man who doesn't take kindly to strangers. Persevere and gain his trust. Give him this bag in exchange for a box of vials. They contain a liquid of great importance to our work. The box will be large and heavy, making concealment harder than usual, but each step home with it in your arms is a step closer to being reunited with Arashi-niichan.

Nova: I will complete this mission or die trying!

Clamps: Godspeed.

[Nova returns three days later holding a crate of beer.]

Nova: You guys are dicks.

As for what happens when the Earth user turns up… What's the punishment for not being a bishie, other than little screentime and a fast death?

Metamorphosing into a little girl, that's what. Jesus Christ. It must be a real bitch to perform your strongest technique, knowing it will result in death, only to see your opponents are completely unharmed because you didn't see the old frog stomach protection jutsu coming from a mile off. He/she transports his/her comrades to safety and they in turn take him/her to Orochimaru to be saved. Unfortunately they realise a little too late that Oro is not a nice man and they get sliced and diced.

Team members: Naruto, Sakura and Jiraiya
Number of kage bunshin no jutsus: 1 (plus continued bunshin action from previous ep)
Number of rasengans: 2 (again, 1 not by Naruto)
Number of times the word 'clamp' is used: 13
Next week: Instead of a bit of snark, you get a fun fact – the preview mentions Orochimaru's hideout castle was built by his father, which probably massacres canon, but sounds kinda cool.

137. The Town of Outlaws. Shadow of the Fuuma Clan

2009-05-07T22:33:00.011+01:00

Worth watching as a manga-standard episode? Aaaand we're scraping the barrel already.
Worth watching for the lulz? Every time an episode lacks lulz, Shino kicks Akamaru when Kiba isn't looking.

We begin with Jiraiya looking at the Ero-Sennin A-Z, which reviews the top five whorehouses in the area. There's a different coloured star next to each for which kind of disease you're likely to walk away with. He takes Naruto and Sakura to another town to investigate, this one being blue for the clap.

...I would like to know the story behind this.

Jiraiya tells them to go off on their own because they're "too young to have their eyes poisoned." Let's hope they don't google SasuNaru. Or neko boys. Or mpreg. Or nagas. Or fandom's top five things you can do with a kunai. The internet is a dangerous place.

Dave (head filler writer): Right, we're at the beginning of designing new bad guys – a time to introduce cool and original ideas not previously seen in the show. Go!

Filler writer 1: How about an Earth user who swims around in the ground? He's like a shark. Of the dirt.

Dave: Brilliant. Next.

Filler writer 2: Erm, long, metal, squeezing-

Filler writer 3: Spit it out, Number 2!

Filler writer 2: A guy who fights with a giant pair of nutcrackers!

Dave: Gold. Last one, come on team!

[Long pause.]

Filler writer 3: We could always copy the spider guy from the Sasuke Retrieval arc.

Dave: Of course – repetition, the fans love it! Good job everyone, now let's order Chinese!

Filler writer 2: I love you, Dave.

Dave: What?

Filler writer 2: Nothing.

"Young women's skin is the best!" declares Buffalo Jiraiya, as he investigates some prostitutes up close and personal. One tells him she'll lead him to information on the Sound, but instead traps him in an alleyway. He is surrounded by bad guys and pwned with this punishing line – the kids will all be using this one in the playground:

Jiraiya, bitchin' guy that he is, brings it and defeats them by the power of hair. He's obviously been taking lessons from Sasuke, Neji, Oro... why does this show have so many L'Oreal candidates? The gang leader can't think of any yo mama jokes so instead jumps straight into a rasengan. The leader realises he's the shit and the gang bows down in apology. He introduces them as the Fuuma clan and that Orochimaru did them over. We're given a nice little reminder of what he looks like, presumably in case we have the attention span of the five year olds this show is supposedly aimed at (you know, with all the killing and terrorism):

Bat-shit crazy never looked this moisturised.

Back at the ranch, Nova is clutching her shoulder and groaning in pain, so Sakura applies her medical knowledge to announce "This person is injured!" Naruto grins and tells her to take off her top despite it being incredibly obvious she's a girl. Sakura cottons on and kicks Naruto out; when he gets back zomg it's a girl. He then remembers this and I remember why I love this show – random molestation:

Nova, who is also a member of the Fuuma clan, tells us the boring story of her boring country. There's a flash of Kimimaro and she's clearly crushing on her cousin, which, according to some anti-NejiHina sites, makes her an evil space cow or something. Her cousin, Arashi, went with Orochimaru as a clan representative and never came back. Suddenly the ceiling is covered in spiders and a voice rings out:

One is born, and another lives.
One dies, and another wilts.
Kagerou's life is as brief as a day.
For a fleeting moment, you have pity?
His duty is to live in darkness?

Death by poetry? These guys really are evil. The Earth techniques guy creates a whirlpool in the ground and the hut begins to sink. The life of a ninja, eh?

Team members: Naruto, Sakura and Jiraiya
Number of kage bunshin no jutsus: 1
Number of rasengans: 1 (not by Naruto!)
Next week: Start preparing yourselves for the Last Resort of a Non-Bishie jutsu.

136. Infiltration Investigation?! Here it Comes, the Ultimate S-Rank Mission!

2009-05-05T13:15:00.008+01:00

Worth watching as a manga-standard episode? Despite containing some canon, oddly no.
Worth watching for the lulz? Not this arc. Though the next one has furries if that's any consolation? No, didn't think so.

[Tsunade has summoned Konoha's finest to her office.]

Tsunade: Ok brats, here are the rules!

Sakura: Rules?

Tsunade: For the fil- er, I mean for a certain time in your lives-

Naruto: You mean puberty? Are we finally going to hit puberty and call it Shippuuden for some reason?

Tsunade: Fanf- I mean the 'special' scrolls you can get in the market place if you know the right guy say you'll learn everything you need to know from Kakashi's Icha Icha, so go bother him.

Naruto: But I don't want to touch that thing – it looks like it's covered in milk stains or something.

Sakura: ...ewww!

[Kakashi appears.]

Kakashi: Hehe. Moo.

Tsunade: Get out of my office and stop plagiarising at once! God, I need a drink. Where was I? Sasuke is AWOL, so we'll leave him to get ridiculously strong for some epic battles in the future that will increase ratings.

Naruto: I'm going to start my training right away! You'll give me awesome, well thought out, worthwhile missions to hone my ninja skills, right Tsunade-baa-chan?

Tsunade: Er...yes...as I was saying, Sasuke's missing, Shizune and I will be hard at work breaking the genjutsu Sakura's been in for the last year – where she thinks she needs to shout 'Saucekay-kun' fifty times a day and stand around during battles to be a kunoichi – so that leaves Naruto. For reasons completely unknown to myself, whatever mission I send the Rookie 9 or Team Gai on, Naruto must be on it. Even if it means breaking up established teams that have been successful for years.

[Outside, Naruto and Sakura share a tender moment.]

Sakura: I'm going to help get him back! And I promise that next time I see him, I will be useful!

Naruto: Sakura-chan, you shouldn't make promises you can't keep.

[Loud smashing noises. Cries of agony, bones breaking etc.]

Voiceover: Does your partner physically or mentally lash out at you? Do you find yourself cowering in a corner, unable to take any more? Has your teammate defected to the Sound because he said pink was a stupid colour for hair and your partner nearly reshaped their skull? You are not alone. Call the number on your screen today to get the help and support you need. Breaking out of the cycle is difficult, but together we can stop the abuse.

I'm going to start around 8 minutes in to this ep, as before that is padding out manga content. The split occurs when Sakura tries to leave the village. This is doing her no favours, as going after Sasuke is a Very Silly Plan indeed, when she's done no training, has no idea what she'll do and Naruto agrees, which is how you know it's stupid. In manga-reality, she's playing with fish like a sensible girl.

I will now try to leave Sakura alone and not bash her any more than I do the other characters, despite all the tempting "I'm so useless, cry, cry, hey am I getting this emo stuff right? I'll be more attractive to Sasuke for sure!" Though I'll totally lay into Hayate cos I mean, come on, a ninja who coughs all the time? What's up with that?! Naruto catches up to her and there is some well done exploration of the dynamics of Team 7 before they are interrupted by a pervert with a mission. A mission that makes for a much more impressive episode title than it does a six ep arc. But that's life. Sakura hallucinates she is following Sasuke as they venture to the Rice Country to investigate the Hidden Sound Village. The words of the wise Sannin are as follows: "When there are people in an area, that means there are places for food and perversion." That's why I like Naruto – it teaches kids ethics.

Jiraiya breaks pretty much every rule of legal guardianship as he steals Naruto's frog wallet and shakes the rest out of him. Sakura stands by passively and picks up techniques on violence. She is then sadly duped into handing over her own purse and Jiraiya leaves them to investigate the town, finishing off his tick-list of How To Abuse Children.

For no reason whatsoever, the street is lined with people with glowing red eyes. Artistic license: letting animators abandon sense since one cavemen said "A brown bison? Not on my watch! Let's stir shit up with some blue." Jiraiya enters a whorehouse and one of the women comments "The wild duck has come in with his long onion and he wouldn't know that we were shaving hairs off his ass." Ah the conversation of prostitutes, it's why you pay extra. Anyone who says the animation quality and character design suffered during the fillers just has to look at in-depth beauties like this:

Naruto and Sakura are waiting outside the village when they fear they're under attack by dangerous Sound nin. But no, that would have been too interesting.

Instead it's a girl who is very obviously a girl. Did I mention she was a girl? Though I can see why Naruto and Sakura might think it's a guy:

Now. What's a good way to end an episode? How about Nova running through a misty forest, ok, and finding... maybe something?

Creating mystery and intrigue? More like mildly irritated, squinty-eyed viewers. It's all downhill from here, guys.

Team members: Naruto, Sakura and Jiraiya
Number of kage bunshin no jutsus: 0!
Number of rasengans: 0!
Next week: An angsty, diminished, incest-flavoured clan. Huh, haven't had one of those in a while.