139. Fear! Orochimaru's Castle

Worth watching as a manga-standard episode? Definitely better than the previous eps – worth a watch I say.
Worth watching for the lulz? No lulz of mockery, maybe even some real laughs (!)

Jiraiya explains he knew Nova was going to drug them because she referred to the bandits, who rejected Orochimaru's advances, as traitors. Then she tries to stab herself in the throat. This show is so cheerful. Naruto and Sakura ask to be punished in the place of Nova for being blinded by cousin-love, but Jiraiya says her only punishment is to lead them to Oro's hideout and then leave. Naruto and Sakura can't believe how noble he's being, so he adds his motivation might have been all the sweet, sweet prostitutes he got in the town and do they have any Zovirax because his balls are itching like crazy?

Nova takes them to the castle, which looks nothing like a castle, and 'leaves them', which I'm not buying for a second. Jiraiya summons Gamakichi and Sakura freaks out – why I'm not sure. She's seen Oro literally pull a snake out of his arse I'm sure it just happened off-camera. You know he has a jutsu like that and she picks this to be weirded out by. Anyway, the frog goes ahead to scout out the castle and they tentatively follow him inside. The path forks into three directions, where a guard stands outside. One door leads to safety, the other leads to a horrible death- Ok there is no guard, I just reminded myself of my favourite reaction to that riddle (which also involves a frog) and thought I'd share:

Imagine a much more visually pleasing embedded video here
There's some good old fashioned forehead protector adjustment for courage and then Jiraiya takes one path, Naruto and Sakura take another and Gamakichi takes the last. At the end of Jiraiya's path is a geisha who asks if he wants to 'come and check if she has a tail.' That's hot. Jiraiya praises the fact that romance isn't dead, while Naruto and Sakura set off some Indiana Jones-esque traps. For all that Sakura complains about him, he saves her arse twice, ending up stuck trying to narrowly avoid pit death. The geisha entertains Jiraiya for a while, then decides play time is over. She gets damn creepy:


and brings the house down, literally. Naruto uses kage bunshin no jutsu to try and rasengan his way out of the pit – how this was supposed to work I have no idea – but it doesn't, with the clones having their priorities straight:


But it's ok because a huge stream of water just exploded through the wall. Gamakichi must have met a wet end with his corridor and now Naruto has a fashionable frog hat to wear. Sakura, having gone on ahead at Naruto's request, calls out "lumos!":


and steps into a dark hallway lit by flickering candles. This is some atmospheric shit right here. A wild Kabuto appears and gets the bitch fight started good and proper with a burn on her being useless. The power of flashbacks makes Sakura cry because god knows we're all fed up of them, but maybe also because Orochimaru has appeared and he is, like, massive strong and she's probably going to die now.


The Ultimate Clan Quiz!!!

Wow, corridors and frogs, things sure are hotting up! It's another week until we find out more about the Fuuma, but right now you can find out which clan you belong to in this mega cool quiz omg!


1. Hell to the o! So introduce your clan already!

a) Your clan has family issues – and you solve it by killing each other.

b) Your clan has family issues – and you solve it by poking each other.

c) Your clan has family issues – and you solve it by fucking each other.

d) Your clan might have issues, if they were ever on screen.


2. What's your clan's fighting style?

a) Eye techniques are where it's at baby, makes for plenty of camera shots of sexy staring and brooding. Ten minutes of every episode sorted!

b) Eye techniques...omg those other guys totally stole your thing!

c) It's coming up in a future ep and you can bet your sweet ass it's plot driven!

d) Your clan can do stuff like control swarms of bugs (gross!) or supersize body parts – hey there big boy!


3. More importantly, what's your clan's fashion style?

a) Showing a bit more chest every wardrobe change. By the time you're thirty, you'll be naked!

b) Long luscious locks to hide the gross veiny thing your eyes do. Plus man-skirts never go out of fashion.

c) Clamps!

d) Tattoos are a quick and easy way from distinguishing yourselves from the other characters milling around in the background. From trendy triangles to sexy swirls, you can't go wrong. Unless they get infected. Oops!


4. Time to get down and dirty. A mean person did some bad things and now you're left with the job of reviving the clan. Oh no! What do you do?

a) Obviously your brother is to blame, what with the slaughtering and all. You spend a few years training, abandoning your village and hunting him down. You swear to revive the clan, which will mean impregnating a suitable female...one day. Maybe you'll destroy the village first. You minx!

b) Very few people in your clan have been killed, yay, but there's that whole dictatorship vibe going on. Time to branch out and think about reviving another clan that isn't as into BDSM.

c) Enlist the help of a stranger – someone who wears make up and plays with snakes can't be a bad person! And if you have to have sex with your relatives, who are you to argue?

d) Haha, as if something that interesting would happen to your clan!


5. Looking into the crystal ball, what do you think is the future of your clan?

a) You've got in the groove of killing off remaining clan members and you just can't stop. But calm down there cowgirl, people might think this will have to end in suicide and you'll get labelled emo. Be warned, the 'my lawn is so emo it cuts itself' t-shirt is no longer in vogue.

b) Love is in the air! It's time to shout your feelings from the rooftops, don't worry, it totally won't end badly!

c) Since there's only two episodes of screentime for your clan left, nothing bad could happen. Right?

d) Nothing!


Time to add up those scores!

Mostly A – You're a member of the Uchiha clan. You go on to dominate the manga like the sex kitten you are. Just don't give your body away to the first guy who makes eyes at you, remember you've got class and there are newer, more powerful bad guys you can sleep with for power. Go get 'em, girl!

Mostly B – You're in the Hyuuga clan. Repression and lack of self-esteem ain't got nothing on you. If you're not rolling your eyes at your sensei, you're crushing on the main character big time. But don't despair, lilac and orange look puketastic together anyway and don't knock the bowl cut 'til you've tried it. Hey, it worked for The Beatles and some of them aren't dead!

Mostly C – You're part of a filler clan. You get an arc about a boy who's really a girl and why you have to save your clan from this week's big bad. Then you're never heard of again. Sucks to be you!

Mostly D – You're from a minor canon clan. You're there to fill in the teams and aside from some info about fighting techniques, no one really cares what your deal is. But hey, at least you're not Tenten!

Team members: Naruto, Sakura and Jiraiya
Number of kage bunshin no jutsus: 1
Number of rasengans: 0!
Next week: Be still my beating heart.