158. Everyone Follow Me! The Survival Scheme of Sweat and Tears

Worth watching as a manga-standard episode? Not really. Good for lots of different character moments, but plot is s-l-o-w.
Worth watching for the lulz? Booby booby no jutsu. You may come to your own conclusion.

Everyone has been called to Tsunade's office to help with genin training. They will each take a genin team and lead them to a mountain. And let's stop right there.


Dave: Ah, mountains. Visually appealing, easy to draw and...

Filler writer 3: Symbolic?

Dave: Excellent, Number 3!

Filler writer 2: Show off.

Dave: Let's send the genin up a mountain and surely the plot will write itself!

[Ten minutes later.]

Dave: Ok, read out what we've got so far.

Filler writer 1: Chouji being knowledgeable about plants, Neji knowing about the sun or something...

Dave: Good, and how long does that take up? Fifteen minutes?

Filler writer 3: Two.

Dave: [Slams his hands down on the table.] We're not harnessing the power of the mountain! Think majesty! Think soaring to great heights!

Filler writer 1: Pizza's here.

Filler writer 3: They better not have forgotten my extra mushrooms.

Filler writer 1: Well we're not sending it back if they have. You know how hard it is to find a company that delivers to a cave?

Filler writer 2: Dave, would you like some of my Mighty Meaty?

Dave: I want this damn episode written!

Filler writer 1: Don't worry boss, I have an idea.

Dave: Is it a riveting narrative of love and betrayal on a mountain?

Filler writer 1: ...sort of.

Filler writer 3: Where are my fucking mushrooms?!


Naruto initially refuses to help out, but is duped into it by the announcement/blatant lie that this will help him become Hokage. He gets assigned Konohamaru's team.

In case anyone wanted to read Tsunade's list. No there isn't a joke to go with this. What, you people expect me to be on all the frickin time?

Chouji's team get informed that there is a plant called the Shinobi Aid plant, but also warned that there is a Shinobi Blockage plant. Is there some kind of darts board the writers are using for this stuff?


Dave: Good shot at that dartboard, Number 1! Someone write 'blockage' down and use it in a creative yet suitable for before the watershed way.

Filler writer 1: And to think my mother said those five years in Darts School would never amount to anything!


Neji says something complicated about being able to find south with a wristwatch, simply to prove how useless Naruto is. He gets his team lost and my god we're ten minutes into this episode already and there is just nothing noteworthy to say. Lee's joy at being called 'Lee-sensei' and wanting everyone to run and sweat into the sunset is heart-warming in only the way a guy wearing green spandex yelling about secretion of salt-water from the body can be.

This episode made me turn to the English dubbed series as there is some difference in translation for the scene where Naruto's group is attacked by practice enemies. The one I'd originally seen – and incidentally my favourite for throwing all subtlety out the window – was booby booby no jutsu. Yes. We now live in a world where that is a genuine jutsu. I'll give you all a moment to dwell on that.

As I was saying, I only speak Fangirl Japanese, not actual Japanese, so I rely on Narutopedia to inform me that 'puri puri no jutsu' translates to 'pudding technique’. This makes a little more sense when Team Goggles announce this collection of WTF: in a sparkling transformation, Udon becomes 'custard boobies', Moegi is 'cherry chip boobies' and Konohamaru is 'cow's milk boobies'. The dub valiantly tries to make sense of the images on our screens. This is a dangerous idea. It leads to the association of Udon with a tanning salon receptionist, finishing with the chant of 'cheesy, cheesy cheesecake'. I wish I was making this up.


I don't think the filler writers quite understand the importance of sexy no jutsu in our lives. How dare they mess with canon, trying to answer the age old questions that have plagued fandom since the internet began? It makes a mockery of website upon website devoted to thoughts such as: can a girl perform this technique? If so, wouldn't she turn into a dude? Wouldn't her changing into a female more attractive than herself suggest a hideously low self-esteem in the user and a desperate cry for help? Doesn't this completely contradict Shippuuden episode 80? Alas, we have no time for these insightful questions; however we do have time for me to introduce people to the support group I have set up. It is for the victims of the Naruto dub. These poor, unsuspecting children (and are we not all children at heart?) were set upon and viciously ear raped by this woman:


I ask that we all rally together in this difficult time to put a stop to the madness that this woman sounds a) like a twelve year old boy and b) like an entity who is not furiously inserting a pineapple into your ear canal with every breath. Don't let Family Guy fool you into thinking ear rape can ever be consensual. It cannot.

Feel free to distribute this card in doctors' waiting rooms and anime conventions.

Night falls and it starts to rain. Shikamaru enters Iruka's tent and the following exchange takes place:


Iruka: What's wrong?

Shikamaru: Since our character designs are too similar, we only get so much allotted screen time together. By coming to see you now, I've used it up for the rest of the year.

Iruka: Well that's just great. Did you ever stop and think that maybe I like to play shogi? I have a life outside of the Academy you know! Spending all day every day with a bunch of kids, sometimes I want to talk to someone intelligent and have a thought-provoking conversation! With a glass of wine! And maybe a cigar! Hell yeah, Iruka could smoke a cigar!

Shikamaru: ...I'd better be going. By the way, you'll never be allowed to smoke a cigar. Too similar to my smoking Asuma's cigarettes thing.

Iruka: DAMN YOU NARA!

[Exeunt Shikamaru.]

Iruka: [Sigh] Back to practicing our Backstreet Boys tribute band, right guys?

Band: Right!



Naruto and the team climb the mountain...share food...teamwork...Naruto does various things with bunshins and rasengan... Christ this episode is pointless.

Team members: Naruto, Konohamaru, Udon and Moegi
Number of kage bunshin no jutsus: 2
Number of rasengans: 1
Next week: A dog not allowed to drink milk at a bar?! Surely there will be a two episode arc about a hero who can save us!