164. The Helper Who Came Too Late

Worth watching as a manga-standard episode? Skip ahead to the ending.
Worth watching for the lulz? Said ending makes me lol, maybe that's just my twisted sense of humour.

Why does the title of this ep sound like a porny badfic? Snape's been arrested and Dumbledore tries to wrap up the whole thing neater than an obsessive compulsive obsessively and compulsively wrapping a box of neatness in a wrapping up contest at an obsessive compulsives' convention. He tells them to go home, but Naruto won't let it rest that there's something suspicious about the whole thing and even Neji agrees. When Harry comes to say farewell bearing a gift, Tenten shows that pairing her with Kakuzu isn't as off the wall as you'd think:


Then, due to bean-paste stuffed chicken wings, there is a true moment of beauty:


Naruto, wearer of orange, scorner of subtlety, literally sniffs the air and decides something smells fishy. The answer to this, of course, is to summon some frogs. While Gamakichi (that would be the Straight Talking Frog whose name I had to look up) comments on the changing social status of amphibians, Comedic Relief Frog (can't be arsed to look up two frogs in one night) paws at an obvious-once-you-look-at-it dangling string. Pulling the string leads to the revelation of a kite and looking at the tree shows more kites. Naruto, the boy fooled by fat!Lee, immediately realises that the Noroimusha must have used the kites to get around. Now, let us look at this picture:


Who would be fooled by this? No one. The excuse that the dark of night covers these kites is not even an excuse because it is just wrong. Shame on anyone connected with this plot: even the spouses of the animators, even the extended family of the builders of the studio next door to the one where this episode was realised. A curse on their children's children! Next, Comedic Relief Frog finds a nice patch of cool air to sit in and unwittingly unearths a secret passageway. Because what Scooby Doo Naruto episode is complete without one of those?

Harry goes for a friendly chat and biccy with Dumbledore, only to hear dramatic music because gah-

THE CEILING PEOPLE HAVE ARRIVED.

Harry realises that Dumbledore might not be a very nice man after all (there's a line near the end of The Philosopher's Stone that's never sat right with me). He's caught having overheard their secret meeting which was only protected by a thin wall of paper, and is chased and injured, leading him to fall in a river. From the bad men's point of view, there is nothing in the river. From Harry's point of view, he's breathing through a reed from a plant-less stream. So the moral here is: those who wear glasses are winners and gain some powers maybe.

Naruto, despite all of Jiraiya's protests to the contrary, finds perving on girls bathing is actually a crime. Ron has him thrown in jail – he has hair to dye black and nails to paint, he doesn't have time for this goddamnit. Once banged up, Naruto gets a visit from the Noroimusha!

!!

It simply pushes open the cell door and, for once, a convenient plot-point like this is ok because for Naruto, being an idiot = IC. Pat on the back there Dave, you keep using what you've been given. The Noroimusha jabs at him with a pointy stick for a while, until his straitjacket is ripped apart. He punches ghosty in the face and the mask falls off.

It isn't even the end of the ep. Unfortunately.

The ghost, like the plot, turns out to be an illusion. The Noroimusha is really...Ron.

!!

"That's not good," says Naruto, voicing the opinion of the viewer. Ron's living for revenge – oh there's that buzzword again, tune in folks, you never know, we might see a certain raven-haired emo kid. Except we won't. Ron can't let Naruto live knowing his boring secret, so he's sentenced to the death penalty. This is supposed to be a shock, but didn't he just, as in moments ago, try and kill him as the Noroimusha, so it's fair to say murder was already on his mind? Elsewhere, Neji's taken Tenten on a date to a graveyard and ruins the mood somewhat by saying he senses poison in the corpse of the previous daimyo. Ah those Hyuugas, so romantically challenged. Lots of guards appear and tell them that if they don't leave, they'll be charged as accomplices to Naruto's perving, despite neither of them being there at the time, Tenten being a girl and Neji being frigid. They then leave and the guards shoot arrows at them. You can't win with some people.

In the best ending ever, Kakashi appears and tells them to fuck off back to Konoha and let Naruto die.


[In a notebook of inspirational quotes and smiley faces in the margin, comes a poem from the pen of Lee:]

Konoha people are my friends,
I'll love them to the very end,
All my money on them I would spend,
For my Konoha people friends.

Neji and Tenten are on my team,
Being with them is like a dream,
They help teach me how to fight,
Bowl-cuts make them gasp with delight.

Naruto never gives up, oh no,
He is like a one-man show.
Sakura is the prettiest flower,
With her I'd like to spend an hour.

They miss Sasuke but that's ok,
Cos I know they'll get him back one day.
They've taught me to never give up,
And that orange isn't so bad once you get used to it but it's not as good as green.

Chouji and Kiba and Hinata and Ino,
Shikamaru and Shino,
They are also people.
But I haven't spoken to them much.

Of everyone in Konohagakure,
Gai-sensei is the best, hooray!
He's taught me lots of special things,
And also never to tell.


Team members: Naruto, Neji and Tenten
Number of kage bunshin no jutsus: 0!
Number of rasengans: 0!
Next week: 'Naruto's Death'. If this causes you any suspense at all, stop watching now. You are an idiot.