140. Two Beats. Kabuto's Trap

Worth watching as a manga-standard episode? Impressive fighting - the reason we watch a show about ninjas and only 4 episodes 'til we got to it!
Worth watching for the lulz? Forget lulz, this ep should come with some kind of rating.

Sakura is still frightened, but summons the strength to ask about Sasuke. Orochimaru leaves to go powder his nose, while Kabuto informs her Sasuke couldn't handle the curse seal and is now dead. This lie, it is so blatant. Sakura has some random flashbacks, including everyone's favourite 'Shikamaru is a Sasuke fanboy' scene:


Speaking of the Pouting Wonder...


[Having recently arrived in his new home, Sasuke is getting settled in. Meanwhile, Orochimaru and Kabuto are relaxing in the front cave – not the cave that's to be kept nice for family meals, the cave where you can sit and watch tv and it's not as big a deal if someone knocks a drink over.]

Kabuto: Here's the popcorn, Orochimaru-sama, all ready for Movie Night. I've got Dirty Dancing and The Rocky Horror Picture Show, which are you in the mood for?

Orochimaru: As if you need to ask.

Kabuto: Rocky Horror it is. Now where's the remote...

Orochimaru: You have invited Sasuke-kun, I presume?

Kabuto: He was unpacking last time I checked and I didn't want to disturb him-

[Sasuke appears.]

Sasuke: Well, it's a shithole. But at least I can hide out from the fillers in here.

Orochimaru: Sasuke-kun! How delightful you decided to join us. One of the many customs I'm sure you'll get used to is that Tuesdays are Movie Night. And on Fridays we sacrifice virgins to the God of Death via volcano. I do so loathe how blood stains an altar.

Kabuto: We tried sacrificing Tayuya, but the lava spat her back out.

Sasuke: Whatever. Move over, Specs, I got my new Dawson's Creek boxset in the mail today and nothing is coming between us.

Kabuto: Specs?

Orochimaru: Nicknames already! I knew you both would get along. Now let's just hope Sasuke-kun doesn't die like the last one. What was his name?

Kabuto: Kimimaro.

Orochimaru: That was it. Thanks, Specs.

Kabuto: O-Orochimaru-sama!

Sasuke: Shut up, Dawson's monologuing!

Kabuto: He'll do that for the whole fucking episode, it's not like you're missing anything.

Sasuke: Orochimaruuuuu, I can't hear the angsting!

Orochimaru: Let us not anger our new protégé.

Kabuto: Can't it at least be The OC and somewhat up to date?

Sasuke: Look, Konoha is painfully behind the times. It's one of the reasons I left. Thanks to them, I'm still into shag bands, platform shoes and acid.

Orochimaru: I'm not sure that's appro-

Sasuke: And being shirtless.

Orochimaru: Delightful! Kabuto, pass Sasuke-kun the popcorn while he informs me about the complicated Dawson-Joey-Pacey love triangle.


Back to the marginally more believable filler, Kabuto throws a kunai on course for Sakura's face, which she seems happy to accept, when Naruto appears and deflects it. No remodelled nose for Sakura. He reminds her that Kabuto is the bad guy and might just think of using lying as a method of trying to win. I know it's hard to believe, but he really is that sneaky. Kabuto then performs what can only be described as a badass technique. This might be a good point to stop and wonder why Sakura wasn't trained in using medical jutsu to harm the opponent instead of just healing, but there we are. When Naruto rasengans his chest, he finds he can't move and Kabuto points out the chakra strings coming from his chest are connected to Kabuto's own heart's chakra circulatory system. He announces, in a loving manner, that their hearts are becoming one.

Currently there are 33 Kabuto/Naruto fics on FF.net and I am holding this episode personally accountable.

Sakura, who let's remember is being trained under the Hokage regarding medical matters, points out that if their hearts stop, Kabuto will die too. Kabuto then reaches inside himself and pulls out his own heart. People say this is a kids' show, why?!


Despite Kabuto pointing out the chakra strings can't be cut, Sakura tries cutting them with a kunai and then pulling them apart. I'm surprised she doesn't try biting them too. She's all out of ideas and Kabuto is getting down to some serious heart squeezing. Then Nova appears and gives Sakura a well timed charm to wrap around her kunai. It makes it glow yellow, cutting the threads and ensuring Naruto doesn't die, which would have rather put a scupper on future canon episodes. It turns out Nova had helped him and the frog escape from the corridors and the reason her charm worked is because the chakra strings are the Fuuma clan's most secret ninpou. Bitch say wha??

Naruto pulls off Kabuto's face and it turns out to be the Earth user who turned into a girl the episode before. He/she is still holding their heart in their hand and so dies. Naruto is coping well with the fact he just nearly died by heart squeezing and 'Orochimaru' appears, pulls off his face and look, it's Arashi, revealing this is all an elaborate ploy to get round the fact they are cousins and get some goddamn acceptance for their kinda incestuous love. Except there's suddenly more for her to love as he has absorbed her other cousins too and they've exploded out of his back.


Yeah.

Team members: Naruto and Sakura
Number of kage bunshin no jutsus: 1
Number of rasengans: 1
Next week: Get crushed like an Egyptian.