166 & 167. Naruto Did It This Year Too! The Bird Country Even Though It's the Year of the Dog?! Raging Dattebayo Special!

Worth watching as a manga-standard episode? Let's imagine these episodes are my head and logic is a big hammer. No matter how many times logic is brought down against my head until it's a bloody, pulpy mess, it just can't get in.
Worth watching for the lulz? Erm, could someone send for an ambulance?

Before we immerse ourselves in the raging...ness, I came across this recently:


Er I mean:


It's the fifth Naruto OVA, done in CGI and released in 2009 (Wikipedia: my brain's external hard drive). Despite the mod graphics – sharingan-vision in CGI kicks ass by the way – the plot hops in the way back machine and puts the pedal to the metal. We're talking Sakura with long hair and multiple personality issues, Naruto with gender and clothes-wearing issues and Sasuke without issues (relatively). Now I'm not saying it's wonderful to return to a time when Sakura literally can't move out of the way without assistance, but this is a non-canon one-shot that really gets it right. Comedy, cool action sequences and Sasuke not being a whiny little bitch all come together to remind us of a simpler time, a time before everyone changed outfits and the seiyuu had to work on lowering their voices a tone. Apart from Sasuke's, as his balls dropped when he was three and he's been talking like a 25 year old ever since. But the best cameo of all has to go to Kabuto's ninja info card – it's on top form, as usual, and steals the scene. Look out for M Night Shyamalan's next summer blockbuster The Cardening coming to a screen near you.


Math, science, history, unravelling the mystery, it all started with a- special that isn't. In a little introduction, Naruto says "That's enough of my parlour tricks."

...

"Soon you're going to start to worry about my adventures in the Bird Country, huh?" No, not really. We have a recap to remind us why we should have skipped this arc and then we're straight into some copy pasta from Kakashi telling Sasuke, "Revenge is bad except go for it cos I hear it's pretty important to the plot." And oh look, just in case you weren’t paying attention to the previous hundred episodes, have a flashback to beat the theme into you. This leads my mind to wonder as to why Sasuke has such a deep voice for a twelve year old...


[Iruka doesn't have an office, but if he did, this is where they would be.]

Iruka: Hello, Sasuke. Take a seat. Do you know why I've called you here today?

Sasuke: Oh gosh, I have no idea. Hope I'm not in trouble, tee hee!

Iruka: No, no, nothing like that, no need to worry. That's a lovely shirt by the way.

Sasuke: Thank you so much! It was on sale, still too expensive really, especially considering I already have so much lilac! But if you don't treat yourself now and then, who will?

Iruka: Nice to hear you're taking care of yourself. So, I wanted to talk with you about the team you're to be assigned. Sandaime asked me to keep an eye on you and I think warning you ahead of the other students so you have time to adjust will help.

Sasuke: Ooo how exciting!

Iruka: Great, so the list reads Uchiha Sasuke-

Sasuke: That's me!

Iruka: Uzumaki Naruto and Haruno Sakura.

Sasuke: Wait, the boy who everyone avoids for some dark reason and the girl who camped in a tree outside my window for three days to take photos of me naked?!

Iruka: As you can tell, they're spirited.

Sasuke: You're going to put me in a team with those freaks?! [Sasuke clutches his head and sways] Re...lap...sing...

Iruka: [alarmed] Are you ok?

Sasuke: I want a cigarette.

Iruka: Sasuke, no, you were doing so well after the clan-

Sasuke: I want a fucking cigarette.


Forty a day since and Sasuke's never quite been the same.

Where was I? Oh right, Ron's secret spinning wall swings round so he can ditch everyone and this sets into motion the house falling down. Some people go for conservatories, others have a self-destruct button.

Kakashi raikiris through Ceiling Dude's stone defence, which leads him to 'suddenly remember' he is fighting the great copy ninja with the power of the sharingan. It's right there on his face, this isn't rocket science. Kakashi says this guy doesn't copy jutsus, but instead controls the flow of chakra to look like he does... you say potato, I say potato. I'm thinking there must be a teensy bit of poutiness on Kakashi's part, since Ceiling Dude is encroaching on his thang what with the copying of the copying and all. He explains he travels about finding shinobi without a village like him and stealing jutsus ALL THE TIME WHILE A LIGHTNING BOLT IS PULSATING INSIDE OF HIM. Gee I guess he really is hardcore LOLkillmenow.

The minor baddie dead, finally, Kakashi rendezvous with his ninja pals and Naruto updates him succinctly as ever:

Is it just me or are Tenten and Neji being a bit over-friendly in supporting Snape?

Snape 'explains' about Ron:


Yeah, that's about the standard of script-writing I've come to expect now. Oh no, there's a better explanation: "Most likely, he is possessed by the deceased daimyo."

Sigh.

Meanwhile, in one of the many secret passageways, Ron pulls on the rope that seems to do everything and has a good stare at the Noroimusha costume. Through the power of flashback we learn that Ron isn't Ron, but... Ron's dead sister! Except she's not dead. But she is his sister. Well, there we are then. Ron's the one who's dead, which sucks for him, and he returns as a ghost to give her a metaphor so she won't stab herself in the neck like she was about to. Back to the present, putting on the Noroimusha costume gives Hermione a glow and a man's voice, which is never explained, and she goes off to get revenge and pie.

Harry has escaped from Madam Pomfrey's to wait in a bush for Hermione to confront Dumbledore, who looks as if he's going to envelope her in his pillowy lips:


As if there wasn't enough 'reveals' in this arc, Dumbledore isn't Dumbledore (these guys aren't very observant are they?) but actually the boss of wandering ninja mentioned earlier. How did he fool them all? Flashback to him swallowing a sword and Mr. Weasley finding it delightful. Yeah. Hermione soon discovers fireballs pwn kites and Blue Peter masks and she comes crashing down. It's odd how Dumbley-dore claims to have travelled the nations searching for varied techniques, yet all the ones he uses comes from Konoha. Lazy, that's what it is.

Hermione's hat comes off in the melee and that turned out to be the source of her gender-confused vocals. Harry copes very well with the sudden revelation that his friend he thought was dead is actually alive and it's his other friend who's dead. He jumps out from his bush to do absolutely nothing useful at all. Thankfully, Naruto appears for a bit of action and states Dumbledore's ninjutsu is just an illusion. This doesn't stop him, Tenten and even Neji from being fooled by these:


I don't get how a cartoon has a props budget, but anyway Kakashi recognises this is the same as Shrek in CGI, except way less funny and not Scottish. He breaks the projector (the projector) and Naruto goes after Dumbledore, who grabbed Hermione after the old 'I'll poke you in the stomach and you'll fall unconscious' ruse. To reach her, Naruto has to board a boat into the wallpaper pattern of the house, which is pretty cool. Better hope it isn't yellow, amirite 19th century English lit students? Naruto has been genjutsu'd, which is a lot like being punk'd except you die at the end. Harry finds there is a river inexplicably running under the house, presumably next to the underground secret passages that are also lying about, and that Naruto is going to drown if he doesn't snap out of it. Harry takes a leaf out of Sakura's book and yells his name a lot, which actually works. Dumbledore appears with a tied up Hermione and Harry says he had a feeling she was pretending to be Ron all along. Yeah right, whatever Harry. You're just relieved those confused romantic feelings you were feeling towards your best friend turned out to be safely hetero.


To spice things up, Dumbledore throws off his clothes and suddenly changes appearance. Harry, the little masochist, gets stabbed by some shuriken and then appears to die. Hermione wails, Dumbledore lols and I look at my watch. Dumbledore splashes Naruto with a lot of water and he floats downwards. What saves him? The ghost of Ron, naturally. So. Many. Bloody. Ghosts. Then Naruto confuses Dumbledore with Axel as he discusses heart stealing, though after this many reveals and costume changes, anything's possible.

In the name of the moon, I will rendan you!

Dumbledore gets put out for the count and Hermione sobs over Harry's body. But, wait for it, Harry's not really dead because this is a filler moment and not a canon one. She vows to live for the future and forget about revenge. Lesson learned: Sasuke will totally be this easy. Right? Hermione is inaugurated as the daimyo and Kakashi gets a boner at the notion of someone not cross-dressing, contradicting a hell of a lot of KakaIru fanfics. How does this arc end? By blatantly pointing out a plot inconsistency – that the first Noroimusha was empty – and because they can't explain it, Dave strikes again with a 'oooo it's a ghost, spooky, eh, kids?'

And if you're still lamenting the lack of logic:




Furries. No more questions, because furries.

Team members: Naruto, Neji, Tenten and Kakashi
Number of kage bunshin no jutsus: 4 (including Dumbledore's copy cat version)
Number of rasengans: 0!
Next week: Cooking ninja. It doesn't get much lower than this.