169. Memory, the Lost Page

Worth watching as a manga-standard episode? I think Anko's backstory is worth it.
Worth watching for the lulz? No, lacking in the lulz department.


We start off with Anko sweating it out over her curse seal. Turns out every jounin must have a photo in their room of their team and a potted plant, on pain of death by order of the Hokage. I can see this as being the kind of thing Yondaime put into force for the lulz and some extremists (like, I dunno, Ebisu) went crazy over it and started making people who disobeyed disappear. Yep, that's right, I just named Ebisu as the next Hitler.


This was actually a great idea for a filler saga: backstory of a minor character. Though this one does go kinda...weird. And by weird I mean fruity. And by fruity I mean 'huh, what else is on?'

Oro is watching YOU! A Michael Jackson joke, by golly that's original.


In a less snake-filled scene, Naruto has an inappropriately shaped balcony. I don't really have much to say on this, I just think it's odd. A twelve year old with the power of a demon fox I got no problems with; an ill-suited attachment to a house that has no apparent purpose? Suspicious. Ino gabs with Sakura, telling her she was excused from missions because she had a cold. Even by filler standards, this is just lame. *Chants* Secretly pregnant by Gai! Secretly pregnant by Gai! Come on, kids, if we're going to deviate from plot, let's at least go for it.


Voiceover: Oh That Lotus! is filmed in front of a live studio audience.

Gai: Honey, I'm home!

Ino: Hello sweetheart. I've just finished cooking this delicious pot roast.

Gai: Not one of your relatives I hope! [Audience pisses itself with laughter.] Mmm, mmm, mmm, that does smell delicious. My beautiful flower is the best housewife in all of Konoha! [Pats her pregnant belly.] And I bet our budding seedling will inherit your talent.

Ino: Oh you! We're so ridiculously happy, aren't we? Please could you set the table?

Gai: Sure can! By the way, my blossom, my boss is coming over in ten minutes for dinner along with the board of directors. If you don't impress him with your delicious cooking, I'll be fired for sure!

Ino: [Gasps] But I'll never be able to satisfy all those men!

[Enter Kakashi.]

Kakashi: Did somebody say 'innuendo'?

[Audience hollers and wolf-whistles. Some middle-aged women have to be restrained by security.]

Gai: Oh no, it's my crude yet hip best friend, Kakashi! If my boss talks to you, I'll be fired for sure!

Kakashi: Your boss can talk to the hand, cos the face ain't listening.

[Gasps at his audacity and murmurs of 'He's so crude yet hip' can be heard. Kakashi seats himself at the table. The doorbell rings.]

Ino: Oh no, it's the board of directors! Quick, stall them while I run to the store to buy a bigger pot roast!

[Ino leaves out the back door while Gai welcomes the suits in.]

Gai's Boss Who Is Probably Sandaime Or Someone: After all your boasting, Lotus, I am looking forward to an excellent pot roast that had better not disappoint. Your job is riding on this!

Gai: You just wait, sir, tonight's the night. I've been trying to get my wife to go the whole hog for years!

Kakashi: [Looking straight at the audience knowingly.] Oh that Lotus!

[He receives a standing ovation. Meanwhile, outside.]

Ino: Ok, keys, purse, I sure hope I can get to the store in ti- oh my stars, it's Lee, Gai's former assistant who was put on a bus and never came back... until now!

Lee: Thought you could get rid of me that easy, huh? Thought I’d gone away forever and taken all your problems with you? Think again, you fucking whore!

Ino: W-What are you holding?

[In the living room.]

Gai: [Sweating profusely] I'm sure you'll be delighted by my wife's pot roast, sir!

Kakashi: I'm sure not delighted with your face!

Boss: LOOOOTUSSSS!

Gai: Wait, what's that noise ?

[They pause. A strange thudding noise can be heard.]

Gai: Kakashi, would you see to that while I entertain the board of directors?

Kakashi: Sure, all those pinstripes were making me cross-eyed anyway.

[Gai begins to say something as inane and repetitive as before, but is interrupted by a loud cry of horror from outside.]

Boss: Lotus, go and see what that ruckus is immediately!

Gai: Sir, yes sir!

[Outside, Gai is met with the less than pleasant sight of his wife ripped to shreds and his best friend's head rolls across the tarmac to his feet. Lee is dripping with blood and licks his hand as a manic grin spread across his face. Gai falls to his knees and begins to weep.]

Gai: Lee... no... how could you...

Lee: This is what you deserve for abandoning me.

Gai: Not my unborn baby...

Lee: I hate you, Gai, and I wanted you to feel the same pain I felt. You brought this on yourself!

[He resumes stabbing what's left of Ino and their unborn child. Gai's sobs are reduced to soundless wretches.]

Voiceover: Oh That Lotus! is sponsored by Yamanaka Flower Shop – flowers for every occasion.


Naruto never says more than two words to Ino – I'm surprised he can remember her name – so the fact he holds a conversation with her could just maybe be foreshadowing. Shino gets the jump on him and the three of them go to the Hokage's office. Sakura presumably wanders off to punch a tree or something. Anko is already there and the work experience animator got to do the beginning of this scene, working under the illusion that 'the crazier the camera angle, the more it will distract from the boredom!'

Shizune pulls down a convenient map;


leaving Tsunade with this lovely view as she explains the mission:




Naruto: so fandom-worthy, even its own characters cosplay each other. Shizune gets a good deal on some Kankuro cat ears on eBay and plays with puppets to animate the details. Anko and the ninjaettes are to go after a Kaima (sea monster) that has been plaguing ships in the Ocean Country.


Tsunade: I believe that this combination is the best one for the mission.

Shizune: All you did was call genin who were available.

Translation: The writers wanted to mix it up and Anko is coming along for backstory reasons, even though Tsunade normally never sends a jounin with genin, especially on the missions that are really dangerous and where normal genin that aren't main characters would get killed easily.


As they set off, Shino discusses the important ninja versus pirates debate. Back in the office, Shizune picks up a book and, not only is it the right book, but she immediately finds the page with information on Anko. There are blanks in her file from her time with Oro, and parts of her memory have been erased. Then we are treated to FIERCE WIND AND BAM! BAM! BAM! MEAN A CHARACTER IS BEING REMINDED OF SOMETHING! Oh work experience kid, you slay me. Anko's curse seal plays up and she remembers a gentler time, when Oro didn't wear a dress and smiled at women in a distinctly Jiraiya-like way! Good gravy, things did use to be different.


In the Ocean Country, a girl, bandaged in ways that defy gravity, delivers some fish and Ino pushes her nose in, complaining the girl isn't paid enough. Ino appears to have a vast knowledge of the fish economy. Random Villager informs our heroes that Bandages was the only one of a group demoned away to return, so everyone is suspicious of her. Perhaps with good cause:


Some Meanies attack her, and show they're serious by squashing an apple with one stomp!

We're hardcore.

Naruto saves her, of course, but Bandages knows ninja = bad, so she scootles off. This corresponds with the natural order of things, because she is female and all females exist for Naruto to prove to them he is Mr. Nice Guy. It would be a lot more interesting if he had to prove he was Mr. Nice Gai. Because you can never cosplay Gai enough. Apparently. Team Blonds and a Bug try to row to the island where Bandages comes from, but are hit by the Kaima and get caught in a battle of the tentacles.

Tentacle rape. When you know the writers are getting desperate.

Ino inexplicably passes out after being grabbed and stays that way, well into the time of 'this must be killing brain cells by now'. Nature Time With Naruto teaches us that frogs don't like salt water, so Naruto's attempt at using an attack that wasn't kage bunshin no jutsu or rasengan sadly fails. I get the feeling he'll take this to heart. But oh wait, it isn't the Kaima, just some dudes. Naruto gets a bump on the head and sinks into the ocean, avoiding drowning despite being unconscious. Bandages appears and gives him a snog. Somehow, I don't see this catching on as a ship.



Team members: Naruto, Shino, Ino and Anko
Number of kage bunshin no jutsus: 0!
Number of rasengans: 0!
Next week: A less Higurashi-inspired entry. Maybe.