173. Sea Battle! A Power that’s Released over Time

Worth watching as a manga-standard episode? Skip the tear-inducing battle scenes and finish off Anko's shards of memories in her tissue of brain.
Worth watching for the lulz? We'll make our own gonging lulz.

It's battle of the furries as Kabuto-Wannabe has dragged himself up from the Black Lagoon and Naruto's getting in touch with his invisible feline friend:

He slaps the baddie about a bit, de-Kyuubis and sinks due to exhaustion. Bandages goes to save him because it has been one whole minute and no one has saved anyone from anything yet. Just what kind of shonen anime is this?! Past Ninja Dude runs at Ino, her and Shino's prior struggles not being important enough to be shown or explained, and she cowers and asks him not to come near her. If Ino does anything awesome ever, it will always be tainted by this. Shino's swarm defeats Past Ninja Dude and tells him he forgot the most important rule of combat, but we know he's giving Ino a sidelong glance and being grateful that while Hinata may be useless... actually I forgot where I was going with that.

And that's it. Anko ties up Kabuto-Wannabe and everyone goes home. Except not. I didn't mention last time in my rage against the fillers that there was a sea boss, but there was a sea boss (summoned by the leader) and he'd presumably been beaten last time, except he rises out of the sea back for more. I cannot give you more description than a translucent blob, which isn't worth describing, but I wouldn't want you confusing it with something interesting.

Naruto summons Gamabunta, the biggest toad on the block, to do his dirty work, except frogs do not like salt-water as we learned in a previous ep I cannot be bothered looking up. A genuinely weird battle ensues between a giant toad and a giant blob. Surely Kishimoto was not working towards this for his grand finale. I don't know about you, but I get my knowledge from vampiric teen dramas like Angel, which taught me that if a water-based enemy is giving you trouble, go for the vodka and not just to drown your sorrows: it's dehydrating don't you know. Instead, Naruto and Gamabunta go for making it feel hot, hot, hot and that works too I guess. With everyone actually defeated this time, Kabuto-Wannabe admits he doesn't know a way to turn Bandages back to human and Naruto goes to smack him one, only to be stopped by Anko. Thankfully, she redeems herself a minute later when she punches him herself.

Before they leave, Anko remembers this is supposed to be her backstory plot and for the last ep or so it's been ridiculous punch-em-ups. She goes to find some answers and gets poetic en route:

And will they cut through the skull of my head to slice open the base of the boat, letting in a geyser of the ocean to the safety of my being?

The hut where she was given the curse seal and writhed about in is still a hut, so she gets closure. In a shard of memory, Kabuto-Wannabe comes in and is somehow the same age, despite Oro and Anko looking younger.

Out of ten given the curse seal, Anko was the only one to survive. Oro gets bored and wants to go get a milkshake, but Anko clings to his bony ankle and asks why he's abandoning her. He replies thusly: "You lack hatred." Yes, he actually says this. Hatred and 'everything else' in fact, so Anko should be more emo than Sasuke – fact. Instead she channels this into a disturbingly high love of fishnets and gets on with her life. And that's the backstory of Anko.

But don't think that's the end. We then get a glimpse of the best character in the arc – I put it to you that this guy is good enough to challenge The Rower! It is my pleasure to present The Gonger:

Shino: Sensei, I appreciate Konoha is in an economic crisis with an obsessive-compulsive gambler for a Hokage, but why have we boarded a ship where the sole member of the crew exists only to bang a gong to tell people when the ship is about to leave the port? Due to the fact he has stayed still for the last sixteen minutes and the ship is veering into a large group of jagged rocks ahead, I have surmised that banging a gong is his one skill and function.

The Gonger: You are correct, boy with coat.

Naruto: Eh, no one's driving the boat? Ino! Quick, go- oh wait you're a girl, I mean, I'll save us!

Ino: Why, you!

[Ino does nothing. Naruto's point is proved.]

Ino: Your head bow is pretty.

The Gonger: You are correct, girl with purple.

Anko: Do you work only on this boat? Or do you work several boats or something?

The Gonger: You are correct, woman with nakedness.

Anko: But I asked-

Bandages: Oh it's so exciting riding along with the real characters! I can't believe I got to come with you, instead of being left on a rock somewhere.

Naruto: Don't worry, Bandages, you'll have a great time in Konoha with us.

Evil Kakashi: Not so fast!

[The ninjas go into defence poses as the realise an enemy has infiltrated their ship.]

Naruto: Sensei?!

Evil Kakashi: Wrong. I'm here for the final stage of my evil plan!

Ino: Wasn't Sasuke with you in the previous script?

Evil Kakashi: Sasuke has been captured by fangirls who are forcing him to have sex with a clone of himself. I lent them the camera to record it, hilarious, anyway all of you shall cower before me!

Ino: And wasn't your evil plan to commit internet terrorism? What does that have to do with a boat?

Evil Kakashi: [Falters and kicks the side] Damnit, Sasuke's the one who does my bidding, I'm the ideas man! I should have kept him around, not handed him over to horny adolescents!

[At that moment, several Konoha jounin appear for no reason, including Kakashi and Tonbo.]

Kakashi: [On seeing his evil self] Huh. [To everyone else] Tonbo has a random confession.

[Tonbo, in his slightly misguided passion, stabs a finger out at a potted plant behind Bandages' head. (Yes there's a potted plant on this ship. It has The Gonger, why would a potted plant cause any surprise whatsoever.)]

Tonbo: I. Am. Your. FATHER!

Everyone: Gasp!

[Tonbo runs to the plant to hug the child he hasn't seen since all those years ago and Bandages watches in confusion.]

Tonbo: Now for us to go sit on a rock!

Bandages: No, but- wait!

[Tonbo walks overboard, knocking Bandages with him, and she climbs up onto a rock, watching the ship sail away in despair. Everyone cheers and walks away.]

Evil Kakashi: Nothing surprises me about this village anymore.

Kakashi: If anyone was going to be the father of a potted plan, I would have put money on Tenzou.

Evil Kakashi: Like that guy's ever been near bush. Hahaha!

Kakashi: Hahaha!

Evil Kakashi: Have you got a light?

Kakashi: No, but I do have some porn.

Evil Kakashi: That'll do!

[And so all order was restored in Konoha because Evil Kakashi was distracted by porn and no one really cared what happened to Bandages. After Tonbo's exciting announcement, he managed to flounder about in the water unable to find his precious rock and potted daughter, and was nearly eaten by a distant cousin of Kisame, sustaining severe injuries. Wrapped in bandages from head to toe, his comrades lost him for several months, but he made a good wage working in a small scale training-video series, entitled Don't Be the Office Idiot! and Don't Be the Office Idiot 2! showcasing the dangers of trying to staple your hand to a desk or telling people you run a beet farm.]

Team members: Naruto, Shino, Ino and Anko
Number of kage bunshin no jutsus: 0!
Number of rasengans: 0!
Next week: Next week does not lack hatred. Opinions on the new blog design?