171. Intrusion! The Prepared Trap

Worth watching as a manga-standard episode? How do you fill 23 minutes with nothing? Let's find out!
Worth watching for the lulz? So, say I put my brain in a robot body and there's a war. Robots versus humans. What side am I on?

If you're looking for me


you better check under the sea


cos that is where you'll find me, underneath the SEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAALAAAAAAAAAAABBBBB


underneath the water


seeeeeeaaaaalaaaaaab oh god is this arc still going. I mean. Oh hey yeah woooooot! I sure hope everyone is as fired up as I am to find out what's going on with this Kaima! Cos not only do we have this mega-cool, crazy plot, but we're in the MIDDLE of it and everyone knows the middle episodes are the bestest! Wooo! Now if you'll excuse me, I'll be vomiting in this corner.

So what's going on in this exciting ninja show about ninjas? They're sitting. NINJA STYLE. Which is the same way as everyone else does. No, wait, Anko is lying down. Well then. During Anko's one horizontal shuffle Naruto can air at this time of day, we travel back in time:

Iruka and Anko's love child: born scarred and fishnetted, what future awaits this young dolphinette?

Teen!Anko explains it all as she flashes back to drop a pestle. Or a mortar. Hang on a cotton picking minute, isn't it physically impossible for shinobi to drop something? Oh Teen!Anko, getting lost in daydreams about horrific human experiments and growing up to become a witch with two crazy aunts, and dropping pestles! Or mortars.

Bandages changes back to human-mode in a quite frankly disgusting transformation and seems to be suffering from a very mild scratch. Anko tells the team Orochimaru is responsible for the villagers disappearing, as he was nicking people for experiments. How did she 'work it out'? Because he was the jounin she trained under. Awwkwwaaarrrd. Anko ruins the ambience for the rest of the boat ride to the island and, once there, they sneak into the seeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaalaaaaaaaaab. Bandages is sent to stop them, with the promise that she'll be turned back to normal if she does as the researcher guy says. "I'll keep the promise. As long as I don't change my mind" is his exact wording, which isn't really a promise is it. Bandages is one step ahead of them and the genin fall through a conveniently placed trapdoor, while Anko has to face some genetically modified tigers.

Argh no, the memories!

They fall down, but they get up again, you're never going to keep them down and as they're dusting themselves off, one of the bad guys appears. Now, here's where things get interesting (no really, I'm not being sarcastic!) as it's only that dude from that time!


No, I don't remember him either, but the screenshot can't lie. As you've probably gathered, I love stuff like this in the fillers. There's so much to go on already, so rather than creating cardboard cut-out baddies, let's see what happened to some of the ones defeated earlier in the series. They remember he was one of Kabuto's cronies and that he fights by sucking chakra. Shino decides he'll fight him while the others go on, purely because he's encroaching on his thang, despite John Lennon having them both beat:


Anko had no problem with the cats, but her curse seal is giving her grief. That's how it is with tattoos you got in your teens: tribal is so 90s now. She comes across the researcher and Bandages, who are chilling on Oro's throne, but for the later skit, let's pretend they're not because I want to end this entry with some amdram. I like the display that Orochimaru is so powerful, even his lingering presence is enough to set off Anko's curse seal. He's long gone of course and Naruto and Ino catch up. Kabuto-Wannabe explains he's trying to build an underwater ninja army. Because that's where all the major battles take place: underwater. Naruto goes to punch him in the face, but Bandages blocks the way, knowing his one weakness is vagina. She laments that no one comes near her because of her bandages, but if she'd only move to Konoha, she'd be, like, queen of the cheerleaders or something, since bandages = cred. The other lackey blows up a wall and Kabuto-Wannabe and Bandages make their getaway. What's this new player's ninja technique?


Come on now, that's not even trying. Ino does her thing and Mr. Fantastic's body is hers. The wall he knocked down turns out to be the supporting wall for the entire secret hideout and it starts to collapse. What could have been an exciting battle with the hired muscle is over without even a resolution on Shino's part. Kabuto-Wannabe and Bandages are on a boat motherfucker on a motherfucking boat, and are joined by ...Past Ninja Dude, I don't know, coming up with nicknames for filler characters is tough ok, and as the lab caves in, the Konoha Krew make their escape.

By the way, this ending seems to have taken a 40 Days and 40 Nights turn:



[Orochimaru has a secret.]

Orochimaru: Sasuke, has my bidding been done?

Sasuke: Yes.

Orochimaru: Then send for more of my bidding to also be done.

Sasuke: I can't. We both are rooted to the spot for some reason, since whenever we get a scene you are always sat in that throne and I'm stood here.

Orochimaru: Then never mind.

[Silence.]

Sasuke: ...you're acting differently.

Orochimaru: Hmmm?

Sasuke: You're not as camp as a row of tents for one thing. And you haven't sent your snakes on another 'magical journey' that ended up with me taking you to court.

Orochimaru: There are more important things to focus on.

Sasuke: ...you're Evil Kakashi aren't you.

Evil Kakashi: Mwahahaha! Sasuke, you are perceptive. What gave me away? Was it my deliciously evil throne-sitting?

Sasuke: Pretty much that you look like Kakashi except evil. And the fact you asked for a throne made of wood and not the hands of little boys.

Evil Kakashi: You're hitting the paedophilia jokes hard there.

Sasuke: I can change to the Michael Jackson ones if you prefer?

Evil Kakashi: [Thinks] No. Continue.

Sasuke: So how do your evil plans differ from Orochimaru's?

Evil Kakashi: It's quite simple. I've created a program that reads the script of fanfiction.net and detects any unsuitable content. It's very clever; it can read context. It's barely as quick as a hyperactive Chinese boy-

Sasuke: Sorry, wait, a what?

Evil Kakashi: If your story is breaking the terms of service, it is automatically reported and your story will be deleted before the day is through. It has passed testing and will be released shortly. There is nowhere to hide and nothing can be done to stop it – unless you edit out all those sex scenes and swear words and incorrectly rated fics and those godawful lines where tHeY aRe TyPeD lIkE tHiS argh it just makes me so angry! But that's all about to change! Mwahahahahaha!

Sasuke: :O


Team members: Naruto, Shino, Ino and Anko
Number of kage bunshin no jutsus: 0!
Number of rasengans: 0!
Next week: I love how my comments are steadily dissolving into madness. Keep it up guys :D Actually, has anyone seen Jerome?