174. I Can’t Believe it! The Celebrity Ninja Way: Kinton no Jutsu

Worth watching as a manga-standard episode? Ha. Ha ha. Ha ha ha ha.
Worth watching for the lulz? Kishimoto himself has nightmares about this ep.

Filler writer 2: Number 3? Number 3, where are you?

[Number 3 is in his room, which is also a cave, reading. He covers an ear with a free hand. Number 2 bursts in.]

Filler writer 3: How many times do I have to remind you that if you shout, it echoes for like half an hour. What do you want?

Filler writer 2: Something's wrong with Dave.

Filler writer 3: Is he trying to write an episode where Lee is a time-travelling trapeze artist? I'd say that was pretty normal.

Filler writer 2: I'm serious! I'm really worried about him!

Filler writer 3: What's he done now?

Filler writer 2: It's like Anko's backstory was too brilliant-

Filler writer 3: We had a blob that was the king of the sea or something – let's not go overboard here.

Filler writer 2: I think he's had some kind of breakdown. He keeps muttering to himself about his latest creation, he won't let any of us work on the next episode, saying it's... it's...

Filler writer 3: Are you going to spit it out or can I go back to my book?

Filler writer 2: ...evil.

Filler writer 3: And? We're filler writers, everything we write is evil.

Filler writer 2: This time I think he's gone too far.

Filler writer 3: It can't be that bad.

Filler writer 2: Kane. Bunshin. No jutsu.

Filler writer 3: [The book falls out of his hand, forgotten. The horror sinks in and grips his heart in its icy grasp] ...my god.

This episode is so awful even Naruto can't believe it. I'm not just cashing in on a bad joke either – it's in the title. Any of the following would have been less annoying instead of the brat:

I hate this kid. I hate him with every fibre of my being. His seiyuu is a retarded woman who wandered into the studio seconds before shooting and was given the job because she threatened to keep talking if they didn’t let her 'have a go' at voice acting. Basically, this episode is what would happen if the animators let the show's stupidest, most irritating fanbrat have a cameo.

Kill it with fire.

Little Fucker walks into Konoha – IZUMO AND KOTETSU FAILURE AT PROTECTING THE VILLAGE ALERT, this is their biggest crime of the fillers – and points at every bloody thing, asking if it is real. What the hell? Then he shouts "Ninja!!!" ten times in thirty seconds and already I want to die. Naruto's 'mission' is to babysit for the day and show him the life of a ninja. If he was really going to do that, he'd let him get assassinated by enemy nin or suffer some painful injury during training. That is an episode I would watch.

Little Fucker is flanked by the Blues Brothers because the family is wealthy and his father is happily paying people to keep his son away from him. Naruto goes to clean a swamp as part of his daily duties as a ninja and there's a beautiful moment where it seems as if Little Fucker might drown. But then he snots all over my dreams by using the titular 'kinton no jutsu', where he throws money in the air and a swarm of bodyguards descend to help him. Some other things happen but I was too distracted chewing on shards of glass, which was preferable to watching this episode.

Who can blame them for gouging out their eyes?

Some butt-ugly baddies decide to rob the rick kid. At this point, I would pay them more than LF ever could to stab him in the head and end this episode right now. We get the joyous pun of 'kane bunshin no jutsu' (money clones) which creates this monstrosity:

Gawd, there's a moral and it's painful. Naruto thinks LF doesn't have friends because he thinks money can be used for everything. Wrong! He doesn't have friends because no one can stand more than five minutes in his company without spontaneously combusting in despair. LF runs off but unfortunately the camera follows him and we see him get caught by the old 'fish on a stick' trap. Naruto stops bad things from happening and there is a 'heart-warming' moment where LF finds it is more fun to try and jab innocent fish through the heart with a kunai than it is to go to a shop and buy one. LF runs out of money and the Blues Brothers turn against him as the baddies can pay them. Naruto says he can’t be bought, but if he makes the minimal jump to money = ramen, this kid is screwed.

As the Neanderthal Baddies make chase to capture him for ransom, Naruto ties a rope round LF's middle and makes him swing across a ravine to escape. Snot flies everywhere like the disgusting little freak he is, and he slams into the cliff face. No one can tell if permanent brain damage has been caused because he acts as if he's been slammed into a few cliffs already, if you catch my drift. Back on the other side, the edge where Naruto and the Blues Brothers were fighting breaks up and down they go. LF has some flashbacks within the same episode to drill the moral into us some more and bungee jumps down to save our orange protagonist. LF's irritation defies the laws of physics as he falls faster than Naruto to save him.

WHY IS THERE SO MUCH GODDAMN SNOT?!

Back at his home, in the front garden there is what looks suspiciously like a gravestone. That's his mother after realising she gave birth to that. We end with "If it's pretty, it doesn't really matter whether it has a value or not." I'm not quite sure if this lesson works out. What if Little Fucker grows up and applies this to women? Should the show ever skip ten years ahead, you can bet it will come back to him, with his three dead wives in the basement, on the hunt for more to add to his collection. And now we can rejoice, because the horror has ended.

Team members: Naruto
Number of kage bunshin no jutsus: 2
Number of rasengans: 0!
Next week: Wow, a mission with Naruto, Kiba and Hinata as the team. Haven't had one of those before.

173. Sea Battle! A Power that’s Released over Time

Worth watching as a manga-standard episode? Skip the tear-inducing battle scenes and finish off Anko's shards of memories in her tissue of brain.
Worth watching for the lulz? We'll make our own gonging lulz.

It's battle of the furries as Kabuto-Wannabe has dragged himself up from the Black Lagoon and Naruto's getting in touch with his invisible feline friend:

He slaps the baddie about a bit, de-Kyuubis and sinks due to exhaustion. Bandages goes to save him because it has been one whole minute and no one has saved anyone from anything yet. Just what kind of shonen anime is this?! Past Ninja Dude runs at Ino, her and Shino's prior struggles not being important enough to be shown or explained, and she cowers and asks him not to come near her. If Ino does anything awesome ever, it will always be tainted by this. Shino's swarm defeats Past Ninja Dude and tells him he forgot the most important rule of combat, but we know he's giving Ino a sidelong glance and being grateful that while Hinata may be useless... actually I forgot where I was going with that.

And that's it. Anko ties up Kabuto-Wannabe and everyone goes home. Except not. I didn't mention last time in my rage against the fillers that there was a sea boss, but there was a sea boss (summoned by the leader) and he'd presumably been beaten last time, except he rises out of the sea back for more. I cannot give you more description than a translucent blob, which isn't worth describing, but I wouldn't want you confusing it with something interesting.

Naruto summons Gamabunta, the biggest toad on the block, to do his dirty work, except frogs do not like salt-water as we learned in a previous ep I cannot be bothered looking up. A genuinely weird battle ensues between a giant toad and a giant blob. Surely Kishimoto was not working towards this for his grand finale. I don't know about you, but I get my knowledge from vampiric teen dramas like Angel, which taught me that if a water-based enemy is giving you trouble, go for the vodka and not just to drown your sorrows: it's dehydrating don't you know. Instead, Naruto and Gamabunta go for making it feel hot, hot, hot and that works too I guess. With everyone actually defeated this time, Kabuto-Wannabe admits he doesn't know a way to turn Bandages back to human and Naruto goes to smack him one, only to be stopped by Anko. Thankfully, she redeems herself a minute later when she punches him herself.

Before they leave, Anko remembers this is supposed to be her backstory plot and for the last ep or so it's been ridiculous punch-em-ups. She goes to find some answers and gets poetic en route:

And will they cut through the skull of my head to slice open the base of the boat, letting in a geyser of the ocean to the safety of my being?

The hut where she was given the curse seal and writhed about in is still a hut, so she gets closure. In a shard of memory, Kabuto-Wannabe comes in and is somehow the same age, despite Oro and Anko looking younger.

Out of ten given the curse seal, Anko was the only one to survive. Oro gets bored and wants to go get a milkshake, but Anko clings to his bony ankle and asks why he's abandoning her. He replies thusly: "You lack hatred." Yes, he actually says this. Hatred and 'everything else' in fact, so Anko should be more emo than Sasuke – fact. Instead she channels this into a disturbingly high love of fishnets and gets on with her life. And that's the backstory of Anko.

But don't think that's the end. We then get a glimpse of the best character in the arc – I put it to you that this guy is good enough to challenge The Rower! It is my pleasure to present The Gonger:

Shino: Sensei, I appreciate Konoha is in an economic crisis with an obsessive-compulsive gambler for a Hokage, but why have we boarded a ship where the sole member of the crew exists only to bang a gong to tell people when the ship is about to leave the port? Due to the fact he has stayed still for the last sixteen minutes and the ship is veering into a large group of jagged rocks ahead, I have surmised that banging a gong is his one skill and function.

The Gonger: You are correct, boy with coat.

Naruto: Eh, no one's driving the boat? Ino! Quick, go- oh wait you're a girl, I mean, I'll save us!

Ino: Why, you!

[Ino does nothing. Naruto's point is proved.]

Ino: Your head bow is pretty.

The Gonger: You are correct, girl with purple.

Anko: Do you work only on this boat? Or do you work several boats or something?

The Gonger: You are correct, woman with nakedness.

Anko: But I asked-

Bandages: Oh it's so exciting riding along with the real characters! I can't believe I got to come with you, instead of being left on a rock somewhere.

Naruto: Don't worry, Bandages, you'll have a great time in Konoha with us.

Evil Kakashi: Not so fast!

[The ninjas go into defence poses as the realise an enemy has infiltrated their ship.]

Naruto: Sensei?!

Evil Kakashi: Wrong. I'm here for the final stage of my evil plan!

Ino: Wasn't Sasuke with you in the previous script?

Evil Kakashi: Sasuke has been captured by fangirls who are forcing him to have sex with a clone of himself. I lent them the camera to record it, hilarious, anyway all of you shall cower before me!

Ino: And wasn't your evil plan to commit internet terrorism? What does that have to do with a boat?

Evil Kakashi: [Falters and kicks the side] Damnit, Sasuke's the one who does my bidding, I'm the ideas man! I should have kept him around, not handed him over to horny adolescents!

[At that moment, several Konoha jounin appear for no reason, including Kakashi and Tonbo.]

Kakashi: [On seeing his evil self] Huh. [To everyone else] Tonbo has a random confession.

[Tonbo, in his slightly misguided passion, stabs a finger out at a potted plant behind Bandages' head. (Yes there's a potted plant on this ship. It has The Gonger, why would a potted plant cause any surprise whatsoever.)]

Tonbo: I. Am. Your. FATHER!

Everyone: Gasp!

[Tonbo runs to the plant to hug the child he hasn't seen since all those years ago and Bandages watches in confusion.]

Tonbo: Now for us to go sit on a rock!

Bandages: No, but- wait!

[Tonbo walks overboard, knocking Bandages with him, and she climbs up onto a rock, watching the ship sail away in despair. Everyone cheers and walks away.]

Evil Kakashi: Nothing surprises me about this village anymore.

Kakashi: If anyone was going to be the father of a potted plan, I would have put money on Tenzou.

Evil Kakashi: Like that guy's ever been near bush. Hahaha!

Kakashi: Hahaha!

Evil Kakashi: Have you got a light?

Kakashi: No, but I do have some porn.

Evil Kakashi: That'll do!

[And so all order was restored in Konoha because Evil Kakashi was distracted by porn and no one really cared what happened to Bandages. After Tonbo's exciting announcement, he managed to flounder about in the water unable to find his precious rock and potted daughter, and was nearly eaten by a distant cousin of Kisame, sustaining severe injuries. Wrapped in bandages from head to toe, his comrades lost him for several months, but he made a good wage working in a small scale training-video series, entitled Don't Be the Office Idiot! and Don't Be the Office Idiot 2! showcasing the dangers of trying to staple your hand to a desk or telling people you run a beet farm.]

Team members: Naruto, Shino, Ino and Anko
Number of kage bunshin no jutsus: 0!
Number of rasengans: 0!
Next week: Next week does not lack hatred. Opinions on the new blog design?

172. Despair! The Broken Heart

Worth watching as a manga-standard episode? No.
Worth watching for the lulz? See below.

Despair! This arc is has left me in despair!

I don't know what schedule the subbers were originally looking at, but unless they were planning to fit 48 episodes into 7 weeks, I can't see this one happening. Everyone must have had a lovely shock when they found out how many were left. (I haven't been into Naruto long enough to have watched the eps when they originally aired. I know, I'm a poser.)

The gang are trapped in a cave that's collapsing. Maybe if I updated more often, I wouldn't have to remind you of that. Ino uses the skills she didn't learn at the Academy:

and Anko summons a big-ass snake for them to ride out in, unharmed. A convenient boat allows them to hurry after the convoy they've been hired to protect. Despite, to my knowledge, Konoha being nowhere near the sea, Shino proves his hidden depths are indeed deep but not hidden today with his expert sailing skills. Elsewhere, the convoy gets a message that the kaima has been defeated and so they set off with their non-descript bounty. Bandages attacks the ships, breaking the rudders so they hit each other. One of the guards onboard reveals he is really the...leader guy...of the bad guys in this arc. Gah, what have I been calling him, you know, the guy with the grey hair... Kabuto-Wannabe, that's the one! Bandages flops onto the desk to make some scary faces:

Oh the pain! The pain of it all!
and they fear death is approaching:

Past Ninja Dude summons an illusionary fireball from the sky, which is pretty damn badass, making the crew jump into the sea, where he then creates a whirlpool to drown them. Points for effort, none of that sneaking up on people and stabbing them in the throat malarkey. But then the good guys turn up, Shino facing off with Past Ninja Dude and Ino staying in the boat like a good little kunoichi, trying to scoop up the half-drowned convoy crew. Anko appears on deck and gets in a zinger:

Naruto's not far behind, spouting about if you act like a monster that's what really makes you a monster etc and so Bandages does us all a favour and shoves them both into the sea.

I'm gonna go with pupils.
As Naruto and Bandages battle it out underwater, Naruto sends in the clones but after she punches a few of them and hits the real one, he takes it pretty hard and has to lie down on a rock for a while. I mean, this one punch, from a girl, albeit a fish monster, but. You know. It didn't even look that hard. He's had a giant shuriken in his back, nearly tearing him in two. And he shrugged that one off. But this punch. Reeeeeally takes it out of him. He still gabs while he's working that one off and Bandages says she doesn't care who gets hurt so long as she returns to human. Naruto then bitch-slaps her.

*Awesome alert*

Incidentally a Google for 'awesome alert' brings us this:

So let us not disagree that the occasion has been properly recognised.

Naruto bitch-slapped her so hard he has scales embedded in his hand. There are no words. He thinks back on how she saved him, so she can't be bad deep down. Maybe she got so fed up being a fish person she was taking whatever entertainment was going. "Hmm, I could sit around feeling depressed and moist. Or I could save that orange ninja over there."

Kabuto-Wannabe defeats Anko and asks why Bandages hasn't sorted Naruto. Then

Well, why the fuck not.

That's the climax of the ep, folks, and it happens in the middle. Nothing worth noting happens after this point. Not even going to try.

Right, finale next week and then onto something different, thank Jebus.

Team members: Naruto, Shino, Ino and Anko
Number of kage bunshin no jutsus: 2
Number of rasengans: 0!
Next week: BETTER WORDS THAN THIS WEEK. Oh no wait that'll be the week after won't it. NEVER MIND THEN.

November = not a good month for blogs

This is one of those pathetic posts. Haven't updated for a good while (this arc is eye-scratchingly non-hilarious) and I know I won't be posting for November because I shall be NaNoing on something I've been plotting away at for months.

Thanks for checking back guys, and maybe there will be a Halloween update for Christmas Blink-182 stylee.

171. Intrusion! The Prepared Trap

Worth watching as a manga-standard episode? How do you fill 23 minutes with nothing? Let's find out!
Worth watching for the lulz? So, say I put my brain in a robot body and there's a war. Robots versus humans. What side am I on?

If you're looking for me


you better check under the sea


cos that is where you'll find me, underneath the SEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAALAAAAAAAAAAABBBBB


underneath the water


seeeeeeaaaaalaaaaaab oh god is this arc still going. I mean. Oh hey yeah woooooot! I sure hope everyone is as fired up as I am to find out what's going on with this Kaima! Cos not only do we have this mega-cool, crazy plot, but we're in the MIDDLE of it and everyone knows the middle episodes are the bestest! Wooo! Now if you'll excuse me, I'll be vomiting in this corner.

So what's going on in this exciting ninja show about ninjas? They're sitting. NINJA STYLE. Which is the same way as everyone else does. No, wait, Anko is lying down. Well then. During Anko's one horizontal shuffle Naruto can air at this time of day, we travel back in time:

Iruka and Anko's love child: born scarred and fishnetted, what future awaits this young dolphinette?

Teen!Anko explains it all as she flashes back to drop a pestle. Or a mortar. Hang on a cotton picking minute, isn't it physically impossible for shinobi to drop something? Oh Teen!Anko, getting lost in daydreams about horrific human experiments and growing up to become a witch with two crazy aunts, and dropping pestles! Or mortars.

Bandages changes back to human-mode in a quite frankly disgusting transformation and seems to be suffering from a very mild scratch. Anko tells the team Orochimaru is responsible for the villagers disappearing, as he was nicking people for experiments. How did she 'work it out'? Because he was the jounin she trained under. Awwkwwaaarrrd. Anko ruins the ambience for the rest of the boat ride to the island and, once there, they sneak into the seeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaalaaaaaaaaab. Bandages is sent to stop them, with the promise that she'll be turned back to normal if she does as the researcher guy says. "I'll keep the promise. As long as I don't change my mind" is his exact wording, which isn't really a promise is it. Bandages is one step ahead of them and the genin fall through a conveniently placed trapdoor, while Anko has to face some genetically modified tigers.

Argh no, the memories!

They fall down, but they get up again, you're never going to keep them down and as they're dusting themselves off, one of the bad guys appears. Now, here's where things get interesting (no really, I'm not being sarcastic!) as it's only that dude from that time!


No, I don't remember him either, but the screenshot can't lie. As you've probably gathered, I love stuff like this in the fillers. There's so much to go on already, so rather than creating cardboard cut-out baddies, let's see what happened to some of the ones defeated earlier in the series. They remember he was one of Kabuto's cronies and that he fights by sucking chakra. Shino decides he'll fight him while the others go on, purely because he's encroaching on his thang, despite John Lennon having them both beat:


Anko had no problem with the cats, but her curse seal is giving her grief. That's how it is with tattoos you got in your teens: tribal is so 90s now. She comes across the researcher and Bandages, who are chilling on Oro's throne, but for the later skit, let's pretend they're not because I want to end this entry with some amdram. I like the display that Orochimaru is so powerful, even his lingering presence is enough to set off Anko's curse seal. He's long gone of course and Naruto and Ino catch up. Kabuto-Wannabe explains he's trying to build an underwater ninja army. Because that's where all the major battles take place: underwater. Naruto goes to punch him in the face, but Bandages blocks the way, knowing his one weakness is vagina. She laments that no one comes near her because of her bandages, but if she'd only move to Konoha, she'd be, like, queen of the cheerleaders or something, since bandages = cred. The other lackey blows up a wall and Kabuto-Wannabe and Bandages make their getaway. What's this new player's ninja technique?


Come on now, that's not even trying. Ino does her thing and Mr. Fantastic's body is hers. The wall he knocked down turns out to be the supporting wall for the entire secret hideout and it starts to collapse. What could have been an exciting battle with the hired muscle is over without even a resolution on Shino's part. Kabuto-Wannabe and Bandages are on a boat motherfucker on a motherfucking boat, and are joined by ...Past Ninja Dude, I don't know, coming up with nicknames for filler characters is tough ok, and as the lab caves in, the Konoha Krew make their escape.

By the way, this ending seems to have taken a 40 Days and 40 Nights turn:



[Orochimaru has a secret.]

Orochimaru: Sasuke, has my bidding been done?

Sasuke: Yes.

Orochimaru: Then send for more of my bidding to also be done.

Sasuke: I can't. We both are rooted to the spot for some reason, since whenever we get a scene you are always sat in that throne and I'm stood here.

Orochimaru: Then never mind.

[Silence.]

Sasuke: ...you're acting differently.

Orochimaru: Hmmm?

Sasuke: You're not as camp as a row of tents for one thing. And you haven't sent your snakes on another 'magical journey' that ended up with me taking you to court.

Orochimaru: There are more important things to focus on.

Sasuke: ...you're Evil Kakashi aren't you.

Evil Kakashi: Mwahahaha! Sasuke, you are perceptive. What gave me away? Was it my deliciously evil throne-sitting?

Sasuke: Pretty much that you look like Kakashi except evil. And the fact you asked for a throne made of wood and not the hands of little boys.

Evil Kakashi: You're hitting the paedophilia jokes hard there.

Sasuke: I can change to the Michael Jackson ones if you prefer?

Evil Kakashi: [Thinks] No. Continue.

Sasuke: So how do your evil plans differ from Orochimaru's?

Evil Kakashi: It's quite simple. I've created a program that reads the script of fanfiction.net and detects any unsuitable content. It's very clever; it can read context. It's barely as quick as a hyperactive Chinese boy-

Sasuke: Sorry, wait, a what?

Evil Kakashi: If your story is breaking the terms of service, it is automatically reported and your story will be deleted before the day is through. It has passed testing and will be released shortly. There is nowhere to hide and nothing can be done to stop it – unless you edit out all those sex scenes and swear words and incorrectly rated fics and those godawful lines where tHeY aRe TyPeD lIkE tHiS argh it just makes me so angry! But that's all about to change! Mwahahahahaha!

Sasuke: :O


Team members: Naruto, Shino, Ino and Anko
Number of kage bunshin no jutsus: 0!
Number of rasengans: 0!
Next week: I love how my comments are steadily dissolving into madness. Keep it up guys :D Actually, has anyone seen Jerome?

170. Crash! The Closed Door

Worth watching as a manga-standard episode? Meh, it's probably better to fast-forward to the Anko flashbacks.
Worth watching for the lulz? There are no lulz to be had. Gonna level with you – this review is tiny short because...I didn't have much to say. But quantity over quality always! (That's how that goes, right?)


Anko gives up on looking for Naruto, because her net stocking is disintegrating in the salt water and if she left it any longer, 4Kids would have to cut her out of her own backstory plot. In the bat cave, Oro meets with a guy he left in charge of research before he went a-hunting for some juicy necks to nibble and found an Uchiha. That's dedication right there, I mean that was seasons ago – a promotion for you, good evil villain sir! All the young children to cut into and stitch on gills and horns and whatnot that you could possibly dream of! And a Christmas goose, but of course! We get a glimpse of Sasuke to fool people into keeping watching. He's already wearing the Pedo Shirt and what appears to be some kind of man-skirt that matches Oro's. Oh Saucegay, how the mighty have fallen.

In a hurry to molest? Try Pedo Shirt – instant accessibility for today's pedo on the go!

Despite sending out the bug brigade and Ino emoing (imoing?) it up in a boat, no one can find Naruto. The escort mission has been moved forward and now they only have a day to find him. Elsewhere, Naruto wakes up and he's been turned into a mermaid! Ok no he hasn't. Bandages saved him and Naruto's fine and as orange as ever. They chat and Bandages gets pissy when he says he's going to bag him some Kaima. Hmmm I wonder why – one might say there's something a little fishy about this girl. Ohohohohohochortlechoke. Outside, we see Bandages' house has been vandalised and some village kids are lurking with rocks. This isn't her day. One sneaks up on Naruto, surpassing his ninja skills, to boot him on the shin. Bandages tells him to leave it be and starts pushing all his empathy buttons by explaining that since she was spirited away, it's no surprise people think she's a monster. She's a monster. No surprise. These are all words from the previous sentence that foreshadow nothing.

Shino and Ino are still looking for Naruto while Anko tries and fails to find a less flasher-like trench coat. They hear the tale of the island where anyone who approaches mysteriously disappears. Hmmm, all except our Miss Bump. There's a flashback of Anko being found and interrogated. Tsunade muses that Anko blocked most of her time with Oro, and that this return to where she was abandoned might bring back her memory. From the number of episodes left in this arc, I'm gonna guess yes. Someone gives Naruto a link to y!Gallery:


And this happens:


Bandages fishes up. SHE IS REALLY THE KAIMA OH MY GOD WHAT CONFLICT AND DRAMA SHALL BE BROUGHT FORTH FROM THIS TWIST. Shino and Ino (I enjoy saying their names together. What do people who ship Shino and Ino do when going for the fashionable combining of the names anyway? I genuinely need to know like burning - answers on a postcard, dear readers) are hot on her scaly tail, while Anko's curse seal starts a-throbbing as there's something familiar about that girl/fish. Why, she's only an experiment she saw as a child under Orochimaru's greasy grasp (who hasn't aged?). Naruto catches up as Bandages has been caught for the dish of the day, but she escapes and makes for the ocean, free at last:


Except a dude catches her. Time for a Naruto reaction shot:

Oh come on, we had this only one ep ago.


Team members: Naruto, Shino, Ino and Anko
Number of kage bunshin no jutsus: 0!
Number of rasengans: 0!
Next week:

169. Memory, the Lost Page

Worth watching as a manga-standard episode? I think Anko's backstory is worth it.
Worth watching for the lulz? No, lacking in the lulz department.


We start off with Anko sweating it out over her curse seal. Turns out every jounin must have a photo in their room of their team and a potted plant, on pain of death by order of the Hokage. I can see this as being the kind of thing Yondaime put into force for the lulz and some extremists (like, I dunno, Ebisu) went crazy over it and started making people who disobeyed disappear. Yep, that's right, I just named Ebisu as the next Hitler.


This was actually a great idea for a filler saga: backstory of a minor character. Though this one does go kinda...weird. And by weird I mean fruity. And by fruity I mean 'huh, what else is on?'

Oro is watching YOU! A Michael Jackson joke, by golly that's original.


In a less snake-filled scene, Naruto has an inappropriately shaped balcony. I don't really have much to say on this, I just think it's odd. A twelve year old with the power of a demon fox I got no problems with; an ill-suited attachment to a house that has no apparent purpose? Suspicious. Ino gabs with Sakura, telling her she was excused from missions because she had a cold. Even by filler standards, this is just lame. *Chants* Secretly pregnant by Gai! Secretly pregnant by Gai! Come on, kids, if we're going to deviate from plot, let's at least go for it.


Voiceover: Oh That Lotus! is filmed in front of a live studio audience.

Gai: Honey, I'm home!

Ino: Hello sweetheart. I've just finished cooking this delicious pot roast.

Gai: Not one of your relatives I hope! [Audience pisses itself with laughter.] Mmm, mmm, mmm, that does smell delicious. My beautiful flower is the best housewife in all of Konoha! [Pats her pregnant belly.] And I bet our budding seedling will inherit your talent.

Ino: Oh you! We're so ridiculously happy, aren't we? Please could you set the table?

Gai: Sure can! By the way, my blossom, my boss is coming over in ten minutes for dinner along with the board of directors. If you don't impress him with your delicious cooking, I'll be fired for sure!

Ino: [Gasps] But I'll never be able to satisfy all those men!

[Enter Kakashi.]

Kakashi: Did somebody say 'innuendo'?

[Audience hollers and wolf-whistles. Some middle-aged women have to be restrained by security.]

Gai: Oh no, it's my crude yet hip best friend, Kakashi! If my boss talks to you, I'll be fired for sure!

Kakashi: Your boss can talk to the hand, cos the face ain't listening.

[Gasps at his audacity and murmurs of 'He's so crude yet hip' can be heard. Kakashi seats himself at the table. The doorbell rings.]

Ino: Oh no, it's the board of directors! Quick, stall them while I run to the store to buy a bigger pot roast!

[Ino leaves out the back door while Gai welcomes the suits in.]

Gai's Boss Who Is Probably Sandaime Or Someone: After all your boasting, Lotus, I am looking forward to an excellent pot roast that had better not disappoint. Your job is riding on this!

Gai: You just wait, sir, tonight's the night. I've been trying to get my wife to go the whole hog for years!

Kakashi: [Looking straight at the audience knowingly.] Oh that Lotus!

[He receives a standing ovation. Meanwhile, outside.]

Ino: Ok, keys, purse, I sure hope I can get to the store in ti- oh my stars, it's Lee, Gai's former assistant who was put on a bus and never came back... until now!

Lee: Thought you could get rid of me that easy, huh? Thought I’d gone away forever and taken all your problems with you? Think again, you fucking whore!

Ino: W-What are you holding?

[In the living room.]

Gai: [Sweating profusely] I'm sure you'll be delighted by my wife's pot roast, sir!

Kakashi: I'm sure not delighted with your face!

Boss: LOOOOTUSSSS!

Gai: Wait, what's that noise ?

[They pause. A strange thudding noise can be heard.]

Gai: Kakashi, would you see to that while I entertain the board of directors?

Kakashi: Sure, all those pinstripes were making me cross-eyed anyway.

[Gai begins to say something as inane and repetitive as before, but is interrupted by a loud cry of horror from outside.]

Boss: Lotus, go and see what that ruckus is immediately!

Gai: Sir, yes sir!

[Outside, Gai is met with the less than pleasant sight of his wife ripped to shreds and his best friend's head rolls across the tarmac to his feet. Lee is dripping with blood and licks his hand as a manic grin spread across his face. Gai falls to his knees and begins to weep.]

Gai: Lee... no... how could you...

Lee: This is what you deserve for abandoning me.

Gai: Not my unborn baby...

Lee: I hate you, Gai, and I wanted you to feel the same pain I felt. You brought this on yourself!

[He resumes stabbing what's left of Ino and their unborn child. Gai's sobs are reduced to soundless wretches.]

Voiceover: Oh That Lotus! is sponsored by Yamanaka Flower Shop – flowers for every occasion.


Naruto never says more than two words to Ino – I'm surprised he can remember her name – so the fact he holds a conversation with her could just maybe be foreshadowing. Shino gets the jump on him and the three of them go to the Hokage's office. Sakura presumably wanders off to punch a tree or something. Anko is already there and the work experience animator got to do the beginning of this scene, working under the illusion that 'the crazier the camera angle, the more it will distract from the boredom!'

Shizune pulls down a convenient map;


leaving Tsunade with this lovely view as she explains the mission:




Naruto: so fandom-worthy, even its own characters cosplay each other. Shizune gets a good deal on some Kankuro cat ears on eBay and plays with puppets to animate the details. Anko and the ninjaettes are to go after a Kaima (sea monster) that has been plaguing ships in the Ocean Country.


Tsunade: I believe that this combination is the best one for the mission.

Shizune: All you did was call genin who were available.

Translation: The writers wanted to mix it up and Anko is coming along for backstory reasons, even though Tsunade normally never sends a jounin with genin, especially on the missions that are really dangerous and where normal genin that aren't main characters would get killed easily.


As they set off, Shino discusses the important ninja versus pirates debate. Back in the office, Shizune picks up a book and, not only is it the right book, but she immediately finds the page with information on Anko. There are blanks in her file from her time with Oro, and parts of her memory have been erased. Then we are treated to FIERCE WIND AND BAM! BAM! BAM! MEAN A CHARACTER IS BEING REMINDED OF SOMETHING! Oh work experience kid, you slay me. Anko's curse seal plays up and she remembers a gentler time, when Oro didn't wear a dress and smiled at women in a distinctly Jiraiya-like way! Good gravy, things did use to be different.


In the Ocean Country, a girl, bandaged in ways that defy gravity, delivers some fish and Ino pushes her nose in, complaining the girl isn't paid enough. Ino appears to have a vast knowledge of the fish economy. Random Villager informs our heroes that Bandages was the only one of a group demoned away to return, so everyone is suspicious of her. Perhaps with good cause:


Some Meanies attack her, and show they're serious by squashing an apple with one stomp!

We're hardcore.

Naruto saves her, of course, but Bandages knows ninja = bad, so she scootles off. This corresponds with the natural order of things, because she is female and all females exist for Naruto to prove to them he is Mr. Nice Guy. It would be a lot more interesting if he had to prove he was Mr. Nice Gai. Because you can never cosplay Gai enough. Apparently. Team Blonds and a Bug try to row to the island where Bandages comes from, but are hit by the Kaima and get caught in a battle of the tentacles.

Tentacle rape. When you know the writers are getting desperate.

Ino inexplicably passes out after being grabbed and stays that way, well into the time of 'this must be killing brain cells by now'. Nature Time With Naruto teaches us that frogs don't like salt water, so Naruto's attempt at using an attack that wasn't kage bunshin no jutsu or rasengan sadly fails. I get the feeling he'll take this to heart. But oh wait, it isn't the Kaima, just some dudes. Naruto gets a bump on the head and sinks into the ocean, avoiding drowning despite being unconscious. Bandages appears and gives him a snog. Somehow, I don't see this catching on as a ship.



Team members: Naruto, Shino, Ino and Anko
Number of kage bunshin no jutsus: 0!
Number of rasengans: 0!
Next week: A less Higurashi-inspired entry. Maybe.